Don't Call it a Comeback?

I see two new posts in a week? Dare I say that we may be back? Dare I say it?!?!?!?!

The rare triple negative ladies and gentlemen

People are dumb. I'm not racist I just hate humans in general. The following is a quote and a video link from a multi-millionaire in this country.

"I didn't know nothing about no snow."

Marshawn Lynch isn't smart - per say

Xylophone

There are not many things in this world that we can rely on. Death, taxes and masturbation are the only things that we know are in our future. This blog is the one place within the interwebs that I know I can go to and get away from my 2-year old daughter and Siamese hooker girlfriend. I have not been posting as much as I should and for that I apologize. I was sad to see that my pathetic last post was the most recent article available for the millions of loyal fans that this blog has. I ask us all to come back together, reset our batteries and bust a collective nut all over the world wide web. I will have my AOL messenger on all weekend if anyone needs me @kooldude69. Just type in you’re a/s/l and I will ping you back as soon as I can.

Together we will be together! 

I'm back

It Feels Like The First Time......

I remember my first time. After years of working towards a goal of putting part of my body inside another human, I accomplished my goal. There is something to be said for when a man works towards a goal and he accomplishes what he set out to do. Since that day my though process returns to the female vagina once every 7.2 seconds - and that is after I fire one off that morning. If I forgo said morning drainage, that number is cut down to 4.8 seconds.

You guys have become my new vagina lust. Ever since my first post I have been chasing that initial rush. I am not sure if I will ever gain it back but I owe it to the 7 visitors to this blog to try my best.

I guess what I am trying to say is. I missed posting on this blog.

My First Trip to Canada

A buddy from back home and I have birthdays that are a week apart (he is a year younger so I guess technically 358 days apart, sans leap year). In this particular year I was turning 20 and he was turning 19 and we all know 19 is the ripe year to let yourself out in the wild in the homeland of our neighbors to the north. He approaches me at school one day and says he's planning to go to Canada for the weekend, rattles off the name of three of our other friends and says I should come with. Abso-fucking-lutely I'm coming. And here is how, despite my many brown outs, this whole weekend went down:

We were all full of piss and vinegar to get there but realizing that this trip is all boring-ass highway, we were subdued rather quickly.

After a solid 3 hours of driving we finally get to the Rainbow Bridge and our spirits quickly picked back up.

We pull off the main stretch of glowing lights and beautiful babies (Vince Vaughn, Swingers, great movie) and pull into a hotel. Well get out and walk up to it as the guy managing it comes out to approach us at the same time.

We tell him we need a room. He looks at us and says, "5 guys no thanks." We all walk away, and he's all like this.

After learning from our first mistake, we split up and two of us, one being myself, peacock into another hotel and were blessed with a room....


... this my friends, will be continued.

Random Thought...

So, we all know that it is necessary to have an arranged order when dealing with numbers. We need 1 to come before 2 and on down the line. We need 2 to have a higher value than 1 for mathematical purposes. A large portion of our lives are based off of these numerical values, and when you really get down to it, everything we experience is math in some way, shape or form. So arranging numbers is absolutely necessary.

But why did we have to arrange our alphabet? Does Z really need to be the last letter? Is there any purpose behind that? I don't see a value in that and until one of you can explain this to me, I will stop doing my ABCs and start doing my TBFs or my PKHs. Anarchy- DSA

What Hansel Said

I was about to comment on Hansel's last post (scroll down, read it, dick) but I realized that the only thing that is read less than this blog is the comments. So I didn't comment. I posted. He's right though. We started out with such fire and passion and now it's dead much like that of many of my other dreams. I find myself laying in bed, alone, on a Saturday and still I'm undrafted. I had hopes that'd I'd go in a late round this year, but yet another year goes and the only draft I'm apart of is the Smuttynose Summer Ale on special for $3 a pint (btw, maybe this is just a Raleigh thing, but when did we start measuring things in pints? My metric is a bit rusty). Anywho, I will not be the one responsible for this fizzling out. The blood will NOT be on my hands. So what say you bloggers, will you be the change you want to see in this world? I know I will, will you?

-DSA

Your Weekly Horoscope with Hansel

Not many peeps logging blog hours this week. I'll be checking timesheets to make sure that you're not cheating the corporation on hours. Anyways, in the past this is what has happened with the blog. We make it a month or two before people realize that nobody actually reads this stuff and the same silly poop and fart jokes can be shared via text messages, facebook posts, or tweets. Based on this sad truth, this week's horoscopes are not based on Jennifer Angel or the New York Times or anything like that. There is but one horoscope for us all: If you believe in something (such as this blog), and you don't want to see that good thing die (or be deleted from the web), then do something about it (such as tell a friend, write a damn post, etc.). Take a little bit of responsibility if you enjoy this POS and let's make a conscious, team decision to push forward, or let this thing fizzle out like a shitty campfire. Do we need more writers? A suggestion box? I just don't know anymore. At this point, I'm good either way. I've done as much as I could for this little dream, but not all dreams become reality, and though this is reality, it is pathetic. If you want funny comments and quips, just text me. I'm full of stupid statements. If you want it posted for masses to see, then let's get masses to read, huh? Is that so much to ask? The decision is yours, America.

Dead Week

It's been a dead week here on the blog. Just making observations. Here's a cat picture.



I miss you all. -DSA

Zooey Davechappelle

Your Weekly (Video) Horoscope with Hansel

Yes, that's right faithful readers, something a bit different this week. Perhaps because I think it will be entertaining, or perhaps because I have a flight to catch in a few hours and need to finish packing, but I think this should be entertaining regardless. I'm still putting thought into these posts and I may even base them off of Jennie-bears horoscopes so that they are somewhat legit...orrrrrrr I'm just going to post the first thing that comes to mind when I get to each sign. Bear with me. I recommend that you listen to/watch each video in it's entirety in order to feel the full effect of the 'scope. Also, check out all of the videos, not just your own. Don't be selfish. Enjoy.

Aries

Taurus

Gemini

Cancer

Leo

Virgo

Libra

Scorpio

Sagittarius

Capricorn

Aquarius

Pisces

I'm gonna go ahead and claim Sagittarius as the winner. These were based on Jennifer's horoscopes, btw, with the exception of Virgo. It's my birthday month coming up. Deal with it. Sorry Capricorn. Byeeeeee.

And the Responses...

Welp fellas here comes on of those "Little Bit of Everything" posts from The Duke. Before we do that let's take a look at the feedback we've received from this week's endeavors. #nowplaying Shinedown- 45 (acoustic)

First, my attempt to publish 'Dick Knickers' was...well here is the outcome

Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa? How could they not publish this? It's gold. Next time Hansel, next time. #nowplaying Alter Bridge- Shed My Skin

Next up my Craigslist ad for a footjob posted on Sunday and again on Tuesday. Here are screenshots from a few of my favorite answers. I am doing screenshots to 1.) prove legitimacy cuz text is easily tampered with and 2.) Because the links provided are likely viruses. Having majored in Cyber Security, that's kinda a bonehead move. Anywho, here they are. #nowplaying 2pac- How Do You Want It

If I really wanna get hooked or hoked? I hope (s)he is asking if I wanna get hoked. I wanna get hoked.

That's just Conkwright Beneke being Conkwright Beneke. I know these are all scams but I hope to god someone out there is names Conkwright Beneke.

Plain and simple, I'm looking for love in all the wrong places. Nothing screams "searching for love" quite like a footjob ad on the shadiest site ever created. Easy Hangartner, down girl. #nowplaying Barry Manilow- Mandy

So this is the closest one to a real response I got. She is 34, soon 35. That kind of grammar actually makes me think s(he) is the type of person to provide footjobs to strangers. Bear in mind that I did not offer money or anything, I just offered someone the unbridled joy of giving me a footjob. This ad actually provided a phone number to text. Running a quick google search on that phone number gives little to no info outside of the fact that its a NJ area code...once again, leading me to believe that this could be real. Jersey people, what can you do? #nowplaying Guns n Roses- Civil War

For what it's worth you can click on the pictures to enlarge. I wouldn't suggest doing so at your place of employment. Also, I got a response with a picture of some BBW and her bappers. I won't post this here because I don't peddle porn like some sort of barbarian. But anyways, how was your hump day? Full of humping? Mine wasn't so my hump day was very misleading and therefore disappointing. Where's a shoulder to cry on when you need it?

How come 2 chicks make out and are still 'straight' but I get caught jacking off to shemale porn and I'm the gay one? Double standards I tell ya. #nowplaying Dave Grohl ft. Corey Taylor- From Can to Can't

Here is some good/bad news depending on which side of this situation you're on. For me, it's quite satisfying to watch karma catch up to people. The girl that broke up with me back in February for her ex-boyfriend recently had her phone abducted and texts viewed. For those of you paying attention, this is the same girl that admitted to still having strong feelings (drunk me thinks 'in love' may have been dropped but sober me doubts it). Said ex-boyfriend/now current actual boyfriend saw texts from me from "a long time ago". Me thinks he saw some dirt on his chick and is not happy. She has not contacted me since. I'm pretty sure she won't be allowed to do so. I don't care because she wasn't much of a friend to begin with so I'm not losing much, but what goes around comes around. Now to not find pleasure in this so nothing comes around to me. #nowplaying Stone Sour- Zzyzx Rd.

How the fuck am I supposed to cheat on my girlfriend when Facebook is around? Fuck did our parents have the infidelity game easy. Shit wasn't even a challenge. I mean Christ, I'm a certified ninja and can't even get away with it. Also, I don't have a girlfriend, so that presents a different challenge when it comes to cheating. Cheating man...put your chick in her rightful place by cheating on her with someone 3 points less than her. It'll really erode that self esteem that hardly exists to begin with. Chicks that do anal do NOT hold themselves in high regard. I can't figure out why I can't find a girlfriend with that talk.

I'm guessing most of you didn't make it this far so I will wrap this up. I have a girl calling me in 20 minutes to break up (or whatever you call it when you're 'just talking') with me. I can't figure out if I should take the high road and be nice and understanding about it or if I should make this a joke. Chances are I will take the high road because that's who I am. But sometimes, just sometimes, I really want to take the low road just to see how satisfying it can be. But then again, what goes around comes around and I HATE karma. That bitch. #nowplaying Slipknot- Wait and Bleed

Adios amigos. One love- DSA

Tuesday Jam(s)

Well it's Tuesday again and I'm here with another installment of my weekly jam. This is usually just the song I've listened to the most over the past week that is friendly for the whole gang. As we all know, The Duke tends to have a taste for the heavier stuff which can be very niche. Well, this week, you get two suggestions. I call them suggestions 'cuz I doubt any of you listen to these. So here goes:

1.) Well the king of respected white people rapping (all 2 of them) is back with the first single off of his newest album set to drop in November. He has been and always will be my favorite rapper (mostly based off of race and the fact that we were both born in a trailer park) and his fucked up side also appears to be back. Good. For what it's worth the new album is named Marshall Mathers LP 2 which sets the bar since that's the best rap album since...fuck I don't know. I'm not urban enough to give honest insight into that. Anywho, here he is.

2.) This is more geared towards The Duke as he raises his devil horns to the sky, but the album was released today and so was my cold dark heart into the depths of hell. I know you guys don't like it but I do and this is MY post. In whatever case, check this thing out, it's actually more rock than metal. Duke likey

So there you go, a single from my favorite rapper and the album from one of my favorite modern rock/metal bands both released on the same day. Walk a mile in my musical shoes. Love you. Seacrest, out! -DSA

Don't Judge a Book by It's Cover, Jerks

Holy smokes was I wrong about this "awkward grownup party" that I referenced in my Friday post. It was pretty wild in a very strange and unique way. I'd put some money on the fact that you've never attended party that included the following characteristics and attendees. But first, let me set the stage and refresh your mems on some of the deets of this shindig. Fall semester started yesterday, so the end of last week was orientation week for new students, both undergraduate and graduate. The nerderiffic program that I am in always does some sort of dinner/barbeque/hangout thing preceded by a trip to local bars as an opportunity for "old" and "new" students to meet, mingle, and get comfortable with their surroundings. Since my roommates and I moved into a titties new house recently with plenty of space, we suggested that this little party be thrown at our crib. I wasn't quite sure how many people (or who specifically) would show up and who wouldn't, who would drink and who wouldn't, and who would choose to engage into rage mode once it entered the witching hour. Here is what ensued. 

Who showed up? Plenty of people. I'd guess 35-40 in total, both young and old - literally. There was a baby present for a while, that little nugget clocked in at the youngest. The oldest was probably mid- to late-thirties, so we were really across the board as far as the type of person that in my house for this get-together. Oh, and how could I have forgotten - there was an Olympian there, of course. Not really sure how that one worked out, but he was in attendance nonetheless.

Was it awkward? Not really. Sure there is some general apprehension and awkward-turtlesque stuff bound to happen in a room full of strangers, but more the most part, everyone that came drank and those who didn't seemed to be the type of people who are used to being the non-drinkers in a crowd full of boozers. Everyone was kind enough to bring some type of food or beverage, and not even the baby minded that there were people taking shots on one side of his baby-carrying device and beer pong on the other side. Things got weird. There was even a discussion on dick knickers.

What happened next? Well, things begin to get a bit hazy for Mr. Hansel at this point. We all made our way to the bar in small groups, and it pretty much just turned into a standard hammed-up night of more drinking, dancing, and conversing. The moral of this post is to not judge a book by its cover. What I expected to be a judgement fest at the sheer speed and amount of Busch Lights that I was consuming ended up being a killer time. Everyone was on the same page and wanted to let loose and enjoy a night out. This pleased me. 

How was your hangover, Hansel? Pretty fucking terrible, of course. I spent most of the day sitting at my kitchen table in a house full of filth discussing the night's events with my inner circle of homies. I capped the day off by gorging in Chinese food. Cowabunga.

Sunday Craigslist

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

UDWOTD- Dick Knickers

I don't mean to push Hansel's beautiful work further down the page, but I wanted to give proof that this is submitted to UD for approval. What happens to it next is God's work, but since it doesn't have it's own page, yet, all I can do is offer this screenshot.

Yea, sometimes you gotta quit bein' such a fag and take action. Your move UD.

Also, next time you post, just take a look at the available Labels. It's gold. My favorite 3 word span is "hogan, horoscope, jerkoff". -DSA

An original UDWOTD by Hansel

So listen to this, chaps. I was lying in bed last night thinking Hansel things, and the most hilarious phrase popped into my head, along with an accompanying visual. I decided I had to look it up on urbandictionary.com to see if it was an original idea or something that has already been created. I am happy to say that though the word had already existed, my interpretation of the word did not. The word/phrase is: dick knickers. According to urban dictionary, it's just a pair of pants that make your wee wee show. That's child's play. Those are called skinny jeans, morons. My usage is much better, and I hope you agree.

Dick knickers (n): synonym of condoms; a contraceptive pair of pants worn over the penis.

[Bedroom scene]

Guy: "I'm sorry random girl, but I'm all out of dick knickers. I'll have to run down to the 711 to get a box."

[moments later, at the 711]

Guy: "$9.99 for a box of 12 dick knickers?! These things better be made of silk!"

Please feel free to use this phrase whenever you'd like, and if you want to, add it to urbandictionary.com, because I was too lazy to do so.

Enjoy ye's Friday. I might hit y'all up this weekend to rant about getting drunk at awkward grownup parties, because that's what's on the agenda for me today. Peace and love.

Hiatal Stagnatory Irreverence for the Blog

Gentlemen, pay no attention to the title of this post. It's just a pretentious way for me to acknowledge my stale state of leave and lack of respect for giving a good quality post contribution. Having said that, tits are in order for this weekend. That's right, literal tits. I want you all to go out and experience a lovely (or gross, lopsided, innie nippled, etc.) set of sweater denizens this weekend. I don't care if it's a new set or a set already traveled just go out and get lost in one of the greatest creations known to man. Some of us might have to do the 2 AM, 2 minute drill in order to complete this task and some of us might already have a phone number punched in and ready to hit send. It doesn't matter because none of us are here to judge another. We should be encouraging each other. We should be guiding each others cocks.

Make us all proud men and come back Sunday to this post and stand with your chest puffed with your chin resting on cloud nine and tell us all about the set or sets.

I love you all you beautiful sons a bitches!

Your Parents Would Be DIsappointed

Well before I speak my piece (peace?) here, I want to commend Hansel for still posting. I get it, no one reads this but us, but fuckin' a do I enjoy it. So thanks Hansel, you make everyday a little brighter with that big smile, beautiful blonde hair and your rapist's wit.

Thank you Tom, Charlie...where are you guys? I feel like a boyfriend at the end of a relationship that I know is over but I keep fighting to make it work. Am I holding onto strings much better left to fray here? Tom, I miss your gifs and blunt force sexism and bigotry. How do I go on without it? Charlie, I miss the rhetoric and insightful, yet degenerative advice that you provide. How do I go on without it? Tell me how?

I sit here, alone, drinking a Bud Light because that's what single 26 year olds do. We drink alone. I haven't had a girlfriend in two years now and I'm more comfortable with the fact that no one loves me and that I will die alone than I am with the fact that this blog looks like it's dying for a 2nd time. I'm not a vet but blogs aren't cats. They don't have 9 lives. They have an undefined amount of lives because they're digital and they don't actually live, per se. But that's besides the fact. The fact of the matter is I miss you guys. Make me feel again. Make me alive.

 Also, rest in peace to those camo boxers. Oh, to have spent that much time close to your buttsack; what I would give. I envy the life that they had. RIP Camo Mammie Jammies, I think we all owe them a moment of silence. -DSA

Your Weekly Horoscope with Hansel

What's up dingle berries, it's me again, Hansel, with another one of my completely totally awesome 100% true horoscopes. Seriously. Jennie boo and I are back at it again this week, and I'm really excited about this one. I think I'll focus on the "Key words" portion of Jennifer's rants, because those are the most insightful and fun. Should be super. Or not. Either way, enjoy.

Aries: Optimism is contagious; don't be afraid to spread them around! (This is not referring to your STDs; never be optimistic about those, so don't spread those, or your legs for that matter, anymore.)

Taurus: It's time to forgive and forget. (Fuck that noise; holding grudges is awesome. As long as you're doing that you have the upper hand. It's not immature, it's human nature. Stay stalwart, and think about things as if it were a hostage situation.)

Gemini: Release your emotional baggage. (Jennifer is clearly writing this for all the females out there, because dudes don't carry around emotional baggage. We try to limit our baggage altogether, all the time, I think. I suppose everyone is entitled to a good cry every now and then, though, so if you take this route at least put those tears to good use... also, just get ride of whatever doucher is causing you to have emotional baggage.)

Cancer: Opportunity can cross your path. (Really, Jennifer? Real fucking specific. This is about as generic as a rest stop condom. You know, the one's you buy for .75 cents and they just say "condom" on the box." Anyways, just tackle opportunities as if you were Terry Tate.)

Leo: Be realistic in your expectations. (Seriously, don't be an asshole with your wishes and aspirations. Better yet, wish in one hand and shit in the other. See which fills up first.)

Virgo: Be strategic, not emotional, in your decision-making process. (Bangarang. Jenny from the Block nailed this bitch. This might actually be good advice. Just approach all of your decisions as if you're playing a game of "Risk" or "Monopoly". We all know you play for keeps in those games.)

Libra: Positivity is your most alluring trait. (False. Kate Upton could be the most negative person in the world and I would still notice those bodacious chest beefers before I ever considered her positivity. Fact. It's science, look her up.)

Scorpio: Life is about to speed up, so get your affairs in order. (Life will only speed up if you let it. Quit being a nerd and take that life money shot to the face like a man.)

Sagittarius: Focus on the big picture, but don't neglect the details. (I respectfully disagree, Dr. Angelface. Focus on the details and the big picture will take care of itself. Process goals, not outcome goals, you guys.)

Capricorn: Anything is possible, don't give up. (Unless you want to be a professional athlete, or a successful recording artist, or the president. I'm losing faith in you, Jennifer. Add Gogurt to your diet, though, and watch the changes happen.)

Aquarius: Be ready to accept a different situation in your life. (Different = weird. Strap in, kiddies, because you're in for a ride. Yeehaw.)

Pisces: Stay true to your desires and believe in your ability to achieve your dreams. (We makin' dick soup, y'all.)

BTW, have you tweeted Jesus today? Sinner. Happy Thursday, peeps.

Sad panda

Hey guys,

Sorry for taking a break from the blog for a few days. I've been in mourning for a few hours now after realizing that I'm going to have to toss a trusty favorite pair of boxers. I'm more of a boxer briefs guy these days, but these Camo bad boys have been with me for years, so when I had to make the decision to let them go instead of get them framed, it was tough. I only keep a few pairs of boxers around these days, including a blue pair with green pears on them that read "nice pear" and of course my purple ones with Christmas penguins. And finally, the old faithfuls, these Camo mamma jammas. They didn't have shit stains or anything, just some natural wear and tear over time caused by plenty of use, and perhaps my little bean bag. Anyways, here's to them. May they keep some homeless mans bits and tackle swinging freely for as long as they are not shreds.

Tuesday Jelly

Here is ya dingus'. Dingi? Dingæ? Dinguses? For what it's worth, that last one doesn't have a squiggly red line under it.




Just 'cuz today sucked. Enjoy- DSA

Google Image- Fixed DSA

This is the first image that comes up when you google image search 'best picture on the Internet.

A Long Week's Friday

Gentleman, let me be the first to apologize for my absence this week. Sometimes the planets align and you just don't have the necessary time to do some proper blogging. After last Sunday's ramblings, which still make no sense, I am back for good. I also think the Chuck is prepping a post as well so we should be getting some increased activity here. Chuckle, we await your brilliance.

With that said, I have a few items to discuss and some to catch up on, they are:

Item 1- Brazilians are nuts; also, there are Brazil nuts. I believe there is irony in there, but I'm not smart enough to point it out. Please, deduce away. If crazy was a kamikaze she'd be Pearl Harbor. I've had to remove all contact with her due to the new mayor Bat Shit Bonkersville. All of you know who 'her' is. I should have known, pray for me people.

Item 2- For my birthday, I was given a personal Keurig that I have placed in my cubicle at work. So far this has been clutch in ways that I cannot even begin to describe (I actually can but coffee from said machine hasn't kicked in yet and that hamster in my head is not spinning on the wheel yet) but one massive issue remains; cup size. I have one of those traveling Starbucks cups that stand tall much like the actual Starbucks cup. Its ceramic and was a delightful purchase but it's too tall for under my new mini personal Keurig. So instead of using breakroom mugs like some sort of neanderthal, I had to go out and purchase my very own mug. Next, I need my own recliner and I'm bordering on dad status. Well anyone that knows The Duke knows that I have a special place in my heart for some of the internet's cliches, and thus the following mug has been purchased for my enjoyment:

So yea, instead of the 2 dollar mug from Target, I decided to spend tenfold and drink from a mug where a cat is debating the purchase of a water vessel. Sure, we've all made better purchases or have we?

Item 3- I took a panoramic picture yesterday in which I appear twice. No Photoshop, just The Duke cloned.  Faces blurred to protect the identity of the innocent. Here, enjoy:

Magic, I tell you. Magic!

Item 4- A random girl from South Carolina is driving to see me today. We have never met in person and she is staying for the weekend.  The obvious answer is online dating but that is not the case. How I get in the situations are beyond me but, fuck it, Yolo...amirite? #SWAG.

Item 5- I missed Tuesday (like literally I skipped Tuesday...fast forward button and everything) so therefore I missed my Tuesday Bluesday jam of the week. Although the days are a bit off, I will not deprive you of my music selection. Today we will go with a song and video that is appropriate for today. Lady and Gentlemen, I present to you:

Item 6- This item is meta. When posting, use labels. It's on the right side and it says "Labels". Click it and then select the appropriate labels for your post (as many as you want) or create your own. Just do it, mmk?

Well that's about all I got for now. I will be posting about this weekend in a weekend recap as I am sure to have something for you noodniks. Until then, drive fast, take chances and condoms are for sailors.- DSA

Your Weekly Horoscope with Hansel

It seems as though the other contributors to this blog have up and vanished like farts in the wind (Shawshank Redemption), but fear not! Hanselpants is here to dance, and I shan't disappoint. My Astrology hoe Jennifer Angel and I are back at it again and we are ready to give you the skinny on your week to come. Hunker down and have yourself a read, ladies and gents.

Aries - Money: If your finances are in chaos, make changes in your financial behavior to alleviate stress. (Put back that case of Bud Light and grab that Natty Light case with a $5 mail-in rebate form. Besides, every day is Naturday).

Taurus - Love: Be realistic about what you want in your life and avoid trying to control someone. (Don't try to outkick your coverage - if you're a 6, go for a 6 and leave the 10s alone. But, don't settle for a 4 and be an asshole).

Gemini - Key words: Do not take gossip personally. (Seriously, this is actually really good advice. People talk shit on the reg, even you. It's a part of life. If you are going to talk shit, though, make sure it's really hurtful and the rumors you spread are totally outlandish. That'll show 'em).

Cancer - Career: Take regular breaks to refresh your thought process. (This sounds a lot like, "Get high during work and coast through the rest of your face like a stoned-faced goblin).

Leo - Love: When it comes to love, intellectual stimulation is what keeps the spark alive. (Don't date a dumb bitch or a bimbro. We've all been there, and it's completely mentally taxing, even if they're a sweet piece of ass or have a hand crank for a ween).

Virgo - Key words: People come and go throughout life. (If you aren't already a social butterfly, you better get used to j'ing it/flicking the bean alone in the dark. Sack up and meet some new people.)

Libra - Week ahead: Follow your intuition and do what you know to be right. (If your intuition is about as effective as the pull-out method as a contraceptive, just strap on your WWHD bracelet and think about what I would do, because I'm clearly a super successful grad student blogging juggernaut of a human).

Scorpio - You have a small window of time this week to get your affairs in order before life takes on a pace all of its own. (You're fucked. Hold onto your nipples and try to stay afloat).

Sagittarius - Week ahead: No matter what you do, you can't please everyone. (Seriously, even the best prostitutes have limits. If I were you, I'd shave that massive bush so your pedro looks a bit bigger, or if you're a lady, try getting vajazzled and see how that pleases your partner. Then let me know how that goes. #imcurious)

Capricorn - Career: This is an ideal time to collect your facts, plan, and research. (If you're a fucking nerd like me this makes a ton of sense. For everyone else, this means that you should start reading up on Fantasy Football hype or else your shitty team with your loser witty name is going to be the laughing stock of your league...again...)

Aquarius - Love: It is often not what you say, but how you deliver the message that makes the difference. (Try dirty talking in a Christian Bale Batman voice. Film the reaction.)

Pisces - Week ahead: There is potential to implement a major change in your life; the choices are ultimately yours. (Seriously you Pisces jagaloons, quit being little weiners and make some decisions. I've had bowel movements that are more productive and have more backbone than you.)

That'll do it folks. Until next week...

A bit of advice

Did you know that a "bit" is a piece of information that reduces uncertainty by half? I knew that.

And to answer the question that's been burning in your burn since we re-started this blogging expedition: Garnier Fructis 2-in-1 Shampoo-Conditioner.

Moving forward, onto my advice. While spending some daily time on the porcelain throne earlier, I couldn't help but think about how comfortable I've become pooing away from home base.  In fact, I often prefer it. This particular chud was even taking place while in the comfort of my own home, but this thought still popped into my head. There are certain subtleties that you can't help but miss when doing your business as a member of the visiting team (e.g., a cozy clean toilet seat, magazines and reading of your choice, toilet paper that doesn't feel like sand paper, pictures next to the toilet like the one listed in Figure 1, etc), but those are just comforts, and comforts are such a small part of the deuce equation.

Figure 1

Honestly, if you're shitting at work or school, those toilets are probably getting cleaned more often (daily) than your home commode (whenever someone of the opposite sex is coming over). Furthermore, and this one is HUGE for me, you're using someone else's TP. Nothing grinds my gears more than having to buy stupid shit like TP, paper towels, deodorant, toothpaste, etc. If I can minimize on those costs, I'm going to do it. Each time I have to waste my hard-earned greenbacks on garbage like that, it's just a reminder of how many beers I can no longer purchase because of it. If you're taking a dumper away from home though, you're just pooing on someone else's tab. Score! You can go to town and use as much of that shit as you want (see Figure 2) - wad it up thick enough and it's almost like you're not scraping our b-hole with coarse sand paper. Listen, long story short: home provides you with luxuries, but luxuries come with a price. My advice is to get comfortable defecating at school or work. If you can avoid gas stations, bars, and restaurants (particularly since people treat public restrooms like an R-Kelly slam), that's OK, but if work and school poops are possible - get used to them! A lot of the time you'll be on the clock anyways, so you'll be getting paid to lay cable. Double score.

Figure 2

Happy shitting, friends!

UDWOTD

This one is classic guy stuff. Like Dude Things 101 status. Act like you've never done it.

Piss muting - when you piss on the insides of the toilet bowl instead of the water to make for a less noisy piss.

Random Girl: Make sure you put your piss on mute, I don't want my roommates to know that I have a guy sleeping over.

Pardon the Format

This post is appropriately named 'Pardon the Format' as I am posting this from my phone...at a bar...alone. So naturally my grammer a puncshuashun may be a bit off; please forgive. As I type this some clown plays Kings of Leon on the jukebox. Easy there fella, this isn't the type of sensitive music that gets you laid. Ugh, some people's kids. And yes I'm at a bar alone. But only because this goddamn grilled cheese is from places unknown. If gold had a taste, it'd be the grilled cheese. I'm probably going to get balls deep in this Bud Light, but only because 'just the tip' never stops at just the tip. Next thing you know your ballsack is violently slapping her anus and both parties are sweating.

I have no direction for this post, just that sometimes the moons align with the Jupiters and you gotta follow that gut instinct. Is it good for you? Probably not but those flutters for drunken gluttony state a fact that simply cannot be argued. So stand up, salute and be proud. After all, you're all from one of the original 13 colonies in a universe that knows no border. If you want your mind blown talk to Cobain, if you want enlightened there is a light switch for that shit. You guys got this. Also, the license plate 'CerelKilr' will get you nowhere but incarcerated. Be above it. Many people ask that you take the high road so that they have more room on the low road. But fuck it, you aren't in traffic...you ARE traffic. Don't ever forget where you were.

You sometimes might wonder how you got here or where you're going but in the grand scheme of things, since when did such nonsense matter?  You've been given a gift that trillions have been denied by bed sheets and stomach linings but yet you choose to sit around and contemplate if the knife goes across or down the road. Buck up or shut up John Doe. If you see the light at the end of the tunnel, it's either freedom or a train coming your way. You gonna run to it or from it? They say the early bird gets the worm, but don't ever forget that the second mouse gets the cheese. It's paradoxical to think that we'll never know until we open the box but can't assume until we do, just ask Schrodinger's cat.  But hey, this is the type of shit you have to seek out. Flight or fight. I know it's backwards but I refuse to be submissive before aggressive. You want a knight in shining armor? Have him. To me, that means his meddle has never been tested. Is that who you really want standing in your corner, down in the trenches or changing your diaper? I didn't think so. Find me someone with a real heart and I'll ask you to stop killing people and exposing their innards. Psycho.

Anyways, back to my original thought, college football starts in under 3 weeks and my face can't wait.

-DSA

Fuzzy's Taco Shop

Hey y'all,

The title of the post has nothing to do with the content of the post. It's just what's written on the cup that is sitting in front of my roommate next to me. Inspiration is all around you if you just look for it, you guys. Anyways, in my most recent quest to drink all of the beers in the southern region of the U.S. of A, a friend introduced this little YouTube gem to me. Enjoy. For the record, I only left a few hundred thousand beers on the table, but those 15-20 poor empties wish they were never born and bottled. I will reimbark on this booze journey next weekend and hope to take out another 15-20 unsuspecting beer-shmucks. Oh yea, here is the video.

Happy Hangover Day.

I'm back in the saddle again.. I"M BACK

I learned many things while growing up a fan of the WWF. One was to eat my vitamins and drink my milk. Another was to tell my fifth grade teachers to “Suck It,” as I crossed my arms over and towards my under-developed genitals. A third was the ability to have a burst of energy right before my arm hit the mat for the third time.

But one thing stuck with me throughout my years. It is the notion that I am a real American, I fight for the rights of every man, I am a real American, I fight for what’s right, I fight for my life!

I also used to jerk off to centerfolds of Sable.

Love,

The Comeback Kid

Tom Ace- Bat Signal

It's not often that we have to do this, but it is a necessary evil. It seems one of our own has disappeared. When Gotham falls victim to crime, sometimes we need to throw up the bat signal. Commissioner Gordon, do your thing...

...we miss you Tom- DSA and the Gang

Your Weekly Horoscope with Hansel

This week Hansel is doing things a bit differently. I found the New York Times horoscopes section, which are written by some blonde hag named Jennifer Angel. I'm going to use this nerd's format and see what she has to say about our horoscopes, but add my own little Hansel twist. After all, I've been doing this for a while now and I don't think I've ever been wrong when it comes to my horoscopes. If you disagree, kindly direct yourself away from this page and unkindly suck it. Let's see what Jennifer and Hansel have in store for us. Her statements will be predominantly listed, with my thoughts in parentheses. This is going to take a while, so I may just focus on some highlights.

Aries: Week ahead: in a single day, there is never enough time to cross off every item on your to-do list (so just procrastinate the fuck out of all of it and let someone else pick up the slack). Money: Hard work will soon yield a reward (C.R.E.A.M. - get strippers and make it rain).

Taurus: Love: A conversation to determine your commitment may need to take place (but since those are about as cool as AIDS, just do what everyone does and take boo out for drinks. Once hammered, we all know those conversations eventually happen and are way better to tolerate if you're both fucked-in-half drunk).

Gemini: Week ahead: The influence of Venus can brighten your home life (the influence of penis an brighten it even more). Key words: Beware of taking on too much (penis) and running yourself into the ground (with penis).

Cancer: Money: Fiscal news is on the way. (So is fistula news, so be prepared. Not sure what that is? Google it.) Be patient - good things will happen at the perfect time. (Once money does come your way, link up with an Aries because that motherfucker is about to have an awesome time).

Leo: This week's new moon in your sign is the start of your next 12-month solar phase. (Huh? WTF Jen. I think this means you need to moon someone in the next 12 months or you might die.) Key words: Communication planet Mercury moves to your sign, prompting a discussion on the home front. (Again, no idea what the hell that means. I think it also means show someone your "home front", AKA your dangle or clam.)

Virgo: Love: With love planet Venus in your sign, make yourself available for social situations (AKAe everyone wang chung tonight.) Key words: Knowledge is valuable, but don't forget to take your own good advice. (Hood advice is important, too, so listen to your heart when making important decisions pertaining to the ghetto. Trill.)

Libra: Career: With Mercury coming out of its retrograde shadow (Mercury is gay and coming out of the closet), communications can move ahead (so try talking to Mercury about his/her gayness).Key words: Get ready for developments at home (#freakybedroomshit).

Scorpio: Keep an open mind to all possibilities (you may wind up playing naked games with someone weird). Key words: Pace yourself (when pleasuring yourself; it's not a race, you guys.)

Sagittarius: With the sun in your seventh house, love shines directly on your heart. (nothing to say about this one, Jennifer fucking nailed it. Absolute perfection, particularly with the seventh house.) Money: News regarding financial security is on the way (I'M RICH BIIIIATTCCCCHH!)

Capricorn: Love: Romance and travel are both on the agenda (so join the Mile High Club while flying or pull over and have a quickie at a rest stop, if you're driving). Career: Some things are just meant to be; go with the flow of energy (first fryer at Mickie D's is nothing to complain about. Good work, sport.)

Aquarius: Love: You have an opportunity to discard anything negative and have a fresh start (but get one last anger-bang in real quick for good measure). Key words: Sharpen your time-management skills (but sharpen your pencils first; nothing is worse than having to take time to sharpen pencils; better yet, just use pens, perhaps ball-point Bics - sturdy and reliable).

Pisces: Week ahead: The love vibe is still strong (AKA you're horny), and an electric moment (with your vibrator) could send your head and heart into a spin. Love: Be patient. If love is not knocking on your door (it's probably for a reason), it will when the time is right (hang in there, champ).

Welp, that about does it for me. Good thing I didn't want to be productive today or anything. I think I'll go procrasturbate.

#Hanselout

2013: The Year of Me

By now we should have all realized that we successfully survived the December 21, 2012 apocalypse:


But enough about that. I have decided that this year, the year 2013, MMXIII, dos mil trece, you get the picture, will be my year. And not to be a braggart but so far it has been. I've been killing it and I want to give myself a little proverbial back pat and express this to my fellow bloggers. Making strides at work? Check. Traveling whenever the fuck I get the chance to or get bored? Check. Females up and down the east coast? Check. Using the line, "smile if you're as horned up as I am," to a majority of said females and it working? Check that shit.

Shit, I've seen Duke, happy birthday by the way, more times this year than I've seen my family and friends back in the home stomping grounds. Who can say that and not consider it a solid year? Probably Trev, but that's here nor there.

Anyways I'm off my boastful monologue and I now invite you, fellow bloggers, to tell the rest of us how you've made this year, the year 2013, your year. Did you dodge a bullet from a crazy one night stand? Did you get that promotion at work you've been working towards? Did you, after them knocking on your door trying to spread to you the word of The Lord, successfully turn a Jehovah's Witness into an agnostic or even an atheist?

Spill it.
-Chuck

The Duke turns 20-something

I'd like to special happy birthday to our guy, Duke St. Albans, as he turns 26 (+/- 1, to be safe). The Duke and I have had our share fond of memories together, and it's about time I acknowledge some of these homo-erotic fantasies to the rest of you. Tom and Charlie, I'm sure you have some classic Duke-isms, as well, and I'd love for you to share these, too. Since I'm both poor and cheap as shit, I will not be splurging on a birthday present for my man DSA. Rather, this compilation of memories will have to suffice until I see him in about a month's time. Then, I shall buy birthday beers and celebrating can commence. Anyways, here are my Top 5 Duke and Hansel Moments, in no particular order (because they're all equally as awesome). Many of these will revolve around The Duke's trip to NYC to visit me in the summer of 2011, because it was a debauchery-filled trip of nonsense and drunken good times. Here goes.

1. Drunken Tour of NYC: We snuck bottles of liquor onto a NYC double-decker bus as we took a tour of Manhattan. There was Jaeger (however the fuck you spell it), there was Vodka, there were good times. We got belligerent, yelled at animate and inanimate objects, probably groped each other, and had an all around good time.

2. Father's Day Baseball Game at Citi Field: We had breakfast sandwiches and 40s of Olde English delivered to my apartment at like 10AM. Drank the 40s on the subway ride over to Queens for the Mets game. Proceeded to play a rousing game of "If you guess what the next batter does at the plate correctly, the other person has to drink some of his $8 beer". This quickly went from "I bet he singles" or "I bet he walks" to, "I bet he bunt singles down the first base line" to, "I bet the pitcher boks and the runners advance" and etc. It went from sips of beers to full beers, and soon enough, Citi Field had probably collected well over $100 of our money and fathers everywhere were ashamed.

3. Duke and Hansel Eat Italian: It's no secret that the Duke loves him some Italian food. Post-Mets game, I took him to a little spot in midtown Manhattan, where in our drunken stuper, Duke and I fed each other food, wiped each other's mouths, and were just a complete all around mess.

4. Post-Italian food gayfest naptime: Things got pretty hazy throughout that meal, and by the time we got back to my place in the Upper West Side, we were hammered drunk, full of food, and ready to pass out. So we did. Apparently, we did so in our boxers in the same bed. I'm almost ashamed to admit it, but when we woke up and realized, we had a good laugh about it. Classic Duke and Hansel. We're totally straight though.

5. Black Velvet in the Basement: Many moons ago, The Duke came over to Hansel's house when we were both back in the homeland for a night of hanging out, catching up, and just watching some TV. Poppa Hansel had an unopened bottle of Black Velvet likely from a few decades ago when perhaps that was popular, so Duke and Hansel polish that poor sucker off in no time. Momma Hansel made breakfast the next morning. All around good 12 hours, I'd say.

And many, many more to come. Next up: Hansel visits The Duke in Raleigh in early September, and The Duke ventures southward at the end of October for some food old-fashioned Florida fun.

Happy Birthday, Duke!

<3
Hansel

You belong with me in my sweet...hot dogs

No explanation necessary.

Tuesday Bluesday

Hey All. It's been a few days for the big guy. After returning to the homeland for the better part of 5 days, I return to my current state of residence about 8 pounds heavier and with a few thousand less brain cells. When I wasn't being the world's greatest uncle, I was being the world's greatest drunk. I usually combine the two and call myself the world's greatest drunkle, but the novelty has since worn off on that and I realize that it wasn't that funny of a joke to begin with. My worst joke is still better than most's best joke so go fuck yourself imaginary judgmental man that reads this blog.

I usually keep my Tuesday posts short and sweet and just provide a YouTube video of some classic song to cheer you up and remind you that sometimes 5 grown men in spandex and makeup is acceptable and completely hetero, but since it's been a few days, I just wanted to touch base and let you know that I'm here and I'm queer. Not really, but kind of.

I'd like to give to digital round of applause to the two of you still posting. Hansel and Charlie, you two keep me young. Your posts actually had me laughing at work today like an idiot. Since I am an idiot, it turned out to be quite fitting. Well done gents. Tom Ace, wheredafuckyoubeen? I wanted you all to know that I have been thinking of ways to expand this blog and it's readers. I don't have any ideas but wanted you to know that I was thinking about it. I will keep you posted. *bated breath waits*

OK, so onto today's song. I usually try to keep it at a nice classic number or something that's easy to listen to regardless of tastes. My Queen post was evidence of this. Tenacious D was for humor and Dire Straits cuz that song is just so damn catchy. Well today, The Duke is going to be a little more selfish. Tomorrow is my 26th annual birthday (that's right, it's an annual event). With that said, here comes a song from my favorite band that has a little sex, drugs and some good old fashioned rock n' roll. And yes, that is actually a girl getting the brakes beat off in the middle interlude. Oh to be a rock star...the life you live. Without further ado.

And that, my friends, is how you play the fucking guitar. The Duke; over and out. -DSA

It's hot as hell.

This little gem comes courtesy of one of our (2 or 3) faithful readers. In order to protect her identity, I will not mention her name, however, I do wish that she continues to lasso life like a champ. "See you around."

It's hot as hell, y'all, and this is another internet sensation of a human that gets it.  Have a looksie.

I agree with Lafonda. I hope you're staying cool, friends.

This guy gets it.

I stumbled across this today on Facebook. Click on the link below and scroll down to the first one-star review entitled "Just don't. Unless it's a gift for someone you hate." This guy guy gets it. His words create an eloquent story of anger and diarrhea. Love it. We need to find this dude to be our featured blogger, because he is way better than us.

Haribo Gummy Bears Review

Happy Hungover Saturday, friends.

Simple Thoughts

There is a saying by Mark Twain that goes something like, "The world owes you nothing. It was here first." As long as the world is going to be a one-upper I'm not going to give it anything, either. If the world did owe me something though, I think it would be a hand massage. If I owed the world anything (which I would of course pay, because as we all know, a Hansel always pays his debts), I think it would be an apology. Not an apology for anything in particular, just a simple "I'm sorry" or "My b". Sometimes you just need to clear your conscience, I guess.

10 Movie Cameos

I've shared this with The Duke already via email; listed below, in no particular order are some of my favorite movie cameos (feel free to add):

 

1.) Seann William Scott - Old School - Character name: Peppers

The mullet, the denim cut off top, and an overbearing excitement on the possibility to use an extremely powerful tranq gun.

 

 

2.) Harland Williams - Dumb & Dumber - Character name: State Trooper

He's just trying to keep the streets clean and safe. His only mistake made is that he stumbled upon pulling over the wrong 1985 Sheep Dog at the wrong time.

 

 

3.) Will Ferrell - Wedding Crashers - Character name: Chazz Reinhold

The first sentence he speaks in this movie is, "what the fuck do you want?" while adorned with a kimono and nunchucks that he almost used on Owen Wilson is an instant classic. Also, the fact that, according to IMDB, his character is uncredited makes it even better because this cameo was a complete and pleasant surprise to all who watched the movie. Unless you don't like Will Ferrell in which case I would refer to you as a commie. Simple.

 

 

4.) Bill Murray - Zombieland - Character name: Himself

He was never good with practical jokes.

 

 

5.) Lance Armstrong - Dodgeball - Character name: Himself

Yeah he lied about doping and we've heard he may or may not be an incredible douche, but his condescending speech to Vince Vaughn was awesome:  “Once I was thinkin’ about quitting, when I was diagnosed with brain, lung and testicular cancer – all at the same time. But with the love and support of my friends and family I got back on the bike and won the Tour de France five times in a row. But I’m sure you have a good reason to quit. So what are you dying of?”

 

 

6.) Alice Cooper - Wayne's World - Character name: Himself

He's a Rock God. His mere presence and demeanor bring both Wayne and Garth to their knees declaring they're "not worthy." In reality, who is?

 

 

7.) Cam Neely - Dumb & Dumber - Character name: Sea Bass

He just has horrible luck in dealing with Lloyd and Harry. Somehow these 2 always end up with the upperhand and what Sea Bass boasts in brawn, he apparently lacks in brain. Seemingly less than Dunn and Christmas.

 

 

8.) Bob Barker - Happy Gilmore - Character name: Himself

Bob shows he can stick and move and it's the absolute best when he starts heckling Happy Gilmore about how bad his golf game is causing a kerfuffle to ensue.

 

 

9.) Kevin Hart - The 40-Year Old Virgin - Character name - Smart Tech Customer

This, in my opinion, is one of the best random scenes in a movie. His energy and their volatility towards each other is absolutely awesome. I laughed non-stop during this entire scene.

 

 

10.) Dan Marino - Ace Ventura: Pet Detective - Character name: Himself

You're a Dolphins fan. A fan of this movie and this is one of the better cameos of an athlete in any movie. He has some good banter with Ace that is of solid quality.

 

10.)

Your Weekly Horoscope with Hansel

Whuttup blog world. Hansel has had an especially shit-filled week, so excuse me if these are a bit harsher and dark than normal. I blame it on the fact that my chi is fucked and the world is temporarily against me. However, things are darkest before dawn, so I'm sure there will soon be some sunlight on the horizon. Either that or this hurricane of awful luck will continue and I'll fall into a deep depression. To be continued. Anyways, here goes.

Aries: Keep your friends close and your enemies closer. Keep your frienemies somewhere in between. Lucky numbers: 8, 18, 28

Taurus: Try smiling more and see what happens. If you get smiles in return, congratulations. If you get stares and/or vomiting, you likely need to see a dentist because you have a snaggle tooth. Lucky numbers: 26, 41, ninety-four

Gemini:  Your next visit to a Chinese restaurant will provide you with the meaning of life. Pass on the first fortune cookie, but take the second. Lucky numbers: you tell me, you know the meaning of life.

Cancer:  People are going to start calling you a serial killer if you keep killin it like you have been. Try playing second fiddle to another to boost his/her morale. (Only relevant if you're in a band with fiddles). Lucky numbers: 2

Leo: Your talents will take you to unexpected places...in bed. Put that giant tongue and those man-hands to good use. Lucky numbers: uno, 27, 65

Virgo:  Once it stops raining diarrhea on your parade and eases to a spray-fart, you will be able to think more clearly. Hang tight and weather the storm. Lucky numbers: $450 for a new car starter
**Hint: Hansel is a virgo.**

Libra: Keep hangin' and bangin' like a G and watch good fortunes come your way. Try adding smoothies to your diet, though, because they're fab. Lucky numbers: 13, eighteen, III

Scorpio:  You've been acting very Riley Cooper-esque lately, and maybe you should take some racial sensitivity classes, bigot. Lucky numbers: 1582, 1757

Sagittarius: Try some masturbation to ease the tension that has recently crept into your life. It should also take care of that epic morning wood you've been sporting and the occasional wet dream. Lucky numbers: 7, 23, 28

Capricorn: Give a man a fish and he will eat for a night. Teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime. If you are a fish, ignore this horoscope because it will probably hurt your feelings. Lucky numbers: 22, 49

Aquarius: You know that alcoholic beverage that you never touch? You know, the one that when someone offers you always reply, "I don't do wine (or beer, liquor)" Give it another try. It's not so bad and you're just being a pussy. Lucky numbers: 12oz, 1.75L

Pisces: At this point I'm usually running out of material, which is why Pisces are the shit stain of the whole horoscope thing. However, I've been particularly negative with you and unrightfully so. Your fortunes are changing, even if your sexual promiscuity is not. Keep it in the pants and try taking a road trip or something. Just stay away from me. Maybe try trading up a few spots to get a more favorable draw next week. Lucky numbers: n/a, don't push your luck.

See you next week, campers.

Flights and Randoms

Happy August! Let's kick this shit off:

As you all know, The Duke is close, but he is not perfect. As a young man living far away from home, having a relatively successful career and just being adventurous, the need for flying is a very real one. The Duke, however, is terrified of those iron eagles. Today, he must hop aboard one and go home. Cue the Ozzy Osbourne. Rest assured that I will be pump full of Bud Light, Jager and Xanax. I'm hoping by the time I sit down on that plane that there will be zero fucks given regarding life and death thus releasing all fears. This is the hope and is completely obtainable. It's a short flight but you gotta do what you gotta do.

Random Thought: I need a haircut today so I am going to get a haircut today. Coincidentally, Sports Clips sent me a free haircut coupon this morning. A sign from the Gods? Likely. I am getting a haircut today.

Random Complaint: This is aimed at the social medialites that plague my newsfeeds and timelines with your mindless drivel. You do NOT have insomnia, you just had a bad night of sleep. You do NOT have ADD, you're just distracted. You do NOT have OCD, you're just particular. You do NOT have a migraine, your head just hurts and you're a pussy. Everything has to be a fucking disease to you people. It's all apart of being a goddamn human being. Fuck you and your narcissistic being. I hate you and everything you stand for. Go watch the Kardashians and fly a fucking kite.

Random Observation: Everyone around me is buying a house, getting married, having kids etc... and I am just sitting here masturbating. I'll get it together. Next year.

Random Pun: My hamster died last night. Yea, he fell asleep at the wheel

-DSA

UDWOTD

Apologies for my absence from the blog, mates. Been a long few days for Uncle Hansel because I finalized the move into my new place. Still waiting to hear if MTV is interested in reincarnating Cribs just for my new pad. Anyways, this UDWOTD is a throwback to years past - one of the first words to ever grace the pages of Duke and Hansel. This one in particular is Duke's favorite. #proudhair

Tony Danza - When giving it to a chick (or dude I suppose?), from behind, you yell out "Who's the boss?" She'll be confused, turn her head around, and at this moment, you donkey punch the shit out of her and yell "TONY DANZA!!"

"I gave the girl I brought home from the bar a Tony Danza, and I haven't heard from her since."

Tuesday Bluesday

Hey E'ryone,

S'crackin'? Been a slow weekend/week on the blog. I think that's due to the fact that, in speaking to all of you individually, we are a pretty busy bunch. That's aight, fear not, for the Duke has what you need to snap out of this blogless funk.

Welp, the weekend was a success. If by success you mean that I did absolutely nothing, and you really mean failure, then yes, the weekend was a rousing success. I think the extent of my productivity was tuning my guitars. All 2 of them. Tuned. Perfectly. EADGBE. Right in a row. 12 strings tuned perfectly. Taking up all of 4 minutes, most of which was spent rubbing my forehead from bouncing said guitar off of my dome piece. Whatever. I needed it to bleed. That's so Rock n' Roll. Properly spelling and punctuating Rock n' Roll is so totally not Rock n' Roll. My head's spinning. So yea, 4 minutes spent tuning guitars and the other 2876 minutes spent sleeping, drinking and distaturbating. So yea, rousing success.

I know it's Tuesday, so here it is, your Tuesday Bluesday jam of the week. Don't forget; proud hair. The Duke, over and out.

-DSA