UDWOTD

Apologies for my absence from the blog, mates. Been a long few days for Uncle Hansel because I finalized the move into my new place. Still waiting to hear if MTV is interested in reincarnating Cribs just for my new pad. Anyways, this UDWOTD is a throwback to years past - one of the first words to ever grace the pages of Duke and Hansel. This one in particular is Duke's favorite. #proudhair

Tony Danza - When giving it to a chick (or dude I suppose?), from behind, you yell out "Who's the boss?" She'll be confused, turn her head around, and at this moment, you donkey punch the shit out of her and yell "TONY DANZA!!"

"I gave the girl I brought home from the bar a Tony Danza, and I haven't heard from her since."

Tuesday Bluesday

Hey E'ryone,

S'crackin'? Been a slow weekend/week on the blog. I think that's due to the fact that, in speaking to all of you individually, we are a pretty busy bunch. That's aight, fear not, for the Duke has what you need to snap out of this blogless funk.

Welp, the weekend was a success. If by success you mean that I did absolutely nothing, and you really mean failure, then yes, the weekend was a rousing success. I think the extent of my productivity was tuning my guitars. All 2 of them. Tuned. Perfectly. EADGBE. Right in a row. 12 strings tuned perfectly. Taking up all of 4 minutes, most of which was spent rubbing my forehead from bouncing said guitar off of my dome piece. Whatever. I needed it to bleed. That's so Rock n' Roll. Properly spelling and punctuating Rock n' Roll is so totally not Rock n' Roll. My head's spinning. So yea, 4 minutes spent tuning guitars and the other 2876 minutes spent sleeping, drinking and distaturbating. So yea, rousing success.

I know it's Tuesday, so here it is, your Tuesday Bluesday jam of the week. Don't forget; proud hair. The Duke, over and out.

-DSA

A True Work Story

Gentlemen, I feel as if I need to share this story with y'all about a lady I work with. I know, I know it's a story about work so how can this possibly not be terrible? I agree with the initial disdain because let's face it, the only exciting thing about work is the paychecks it provides me to be able to provide myself with booze and the occasional dinner date to schmooze a lady friend here and there.

I digress. Before I begin I need to paint a couple pictures. First, this lady I speak of, who we shall refer to as CP because those are her initials which I just realized as I typed that that those are the same initials as mine for this blog (disclaimer: I did not pick my name to reflect her initials but she probably seeped into my subconscious somehow). This is the lady at work, 40ish with two kids an ex-husband that she absolutely loathes, and will deal with personal matters consistently and loudly on her work phone not giving two shits who is within earshot and very animated. She also cleans houses and apartments on the side for extra cash and this becomes important later. I, however, have no problem with her because she works hard, a little neurotic at times, but most of all it keeps me entertained. I overheard her tell a story one morning that during her morning commute to work an angry road rager behind her got out of his car and was pounding on her window for something she may or may not have done. The weirdest shit happens to this lady and I love it.

Picture number 2. At my job, before we kick off any meeting we always have to start with a safety moment. For example, put sunscreen on before lengthened exposure in the sun. Boom! Safety moment. Yesterday morning was my weekly team meeting and as soon as I cross under the doorway she announces that she has a safety moment. Yes. I grab a chair, grab my proverbial bowl of popcorn and sit back and wait. The night prior she was cleaning a vacant apartment and had her little daughter with her because apparently she has her own tiny little cleaning supplies and cleans the little tiny crevices because she likes to help mommy out. At one point CP's vacuum catches on fire. As soon as that leaves her mouth I'm already hearing the crescendo building for what is about to come. Shortly after this is ablaze the smoke detectors start going off and now she's worried that sprinkler system might kick on and she's trying to figure out what to do with the sweeper. Amidst all this chaos and confusion (hilarity for me) her little daughter (who is not on fire) begins to stop, drop and roll because that is what they taught her in school. During her frantic fight or flight instincts playing tug of war to decide which action she should take, she decides to usurp the instinctual decision makers and throws the flaming sweeper into the abyss which I can only imagine looks like a comet with a majestic tail cascading into the night.

This had myself and the rest of our team in hysterics and I feel as if I could have weekly blog posts just about CP. Now that I think about it, I hired her to clean my house before I put it on the market. I don't even have a balcony. What if that vacuum catches on fire in the most heavily carpeted area of my house, the basement?

I need a beer.
-Chuck

Your Weekly Horoscope with Hansel

Greetings earthlings. Still reeling from the spot-on-ness of last week's horoscope? Well read on, because apparently this stuff changes on the reg according to your zodiac cycle (whatever the hell that means). If you start taking this stuff to heart, and let's be honest I'm not sure why you wouldn't, your life will change. It won't necessarily change for the better at all, but it will change. Here goes.

Aries: You're feeling lonely, most likely because you scare the shit out of people with your intensity. Try chilling the fuck out and using the "4 second rule" between statements like they do in Night at the Roxbury (e.g., "What's up!?" 2, 3, 4...). Lucky numbers: 2, 3, 4

Taurus: It's getting hot in hurr, so take off all your clothes. No seriously, there is a heat wave spreading across the country, so try shedding a layer or 3. Also, start using deoderant, because you smell foul. Lucky numbers: 25, 6

Gemini: Become one with nature. Try taking a walk through a park or taking a swim in a lake or stream. Just kidding, sit in the air conditioning and work on your fupa. Lucky numbers: pi, 98*

Cancer: You're feeling romantic lately, so try spicing things up with your partner in the bedroom. Order one of those wedge things for sex positions, then please post a review in the comments section so I...I mean we...know how it works. Lucky numbers: 29.99, 39.99

Leo: Take the bull by the horns and relish in new opportunities. If rodeo clowning isn't for you, try pilates. Lucky numbers: 8, 1492, 9.67

Virgo: Your lack of sleep lately should be a concern, but there are more pressing matters ahead. Your zodiac cycle color is red, so stock up on Bud heavies, twizzlers, and as much pepperoni that you can fit into those little basket things at the grocery store. Lucky numbers: any number written in red.

Libra: Time has been an issue for you lately, so try replacing your watch battery, or carry an alarm clock on your shoulder like it's a boombox from the nineties. Set trends, be a leader. Lucky numbers: #, 4, 8===D

Scorpio: Just do you, whatever that means. I wouldn't recommend actually try to "do" yourself though, because that could get messy and never works. Talk to a Cancer, they're into romance, so maybe you can do each other. Lucky numbers: 69

Sagittarius: You can get a good look at a t-bone steak by sticking your head up a bull's ass, but wouldn't you rather take the butcher's word for it? Lucky numbers: n/a

Capricorn: Get in touch with some old high school or college friends and reminisce on memories of the past. Don't live in the past though, because that's just stupid. Lucky numbers: high school graduation year, college graduation year, year you lost our virginity

Aquarius: relive an episode of Naked and Afraid in your apartment/house. In order to do this, it will require that you find a like-minded stranger who is ok to be naked and afraid in your apartment for 21 days. Good luck. Number numbers: 2, 21

Pisces: It's not herpes, after all. However, it is The Clap, so join a support group and enjoy the burn.

:)

My New Hero

Take 2 minutes out of your day and watch this if you haven't already. This kid is my hero. The money shot is at about 1:17 but watch the whole thing.

   

You're all welcome. -DSA

This guy...drugs? Noooooo

So Von Miller tested positive for Marijuana and Molly. This has caused him to creep up the list as one of my favorite players in the NFL. This guy isn't out here to cheat with PEDs. He doesn't want to digest the insides of deer antlers. He just wants to pop a few molly, have an impressionable white girl blow him and slip away into the abyss.

No, I am not a drug advocate, I am just a consumer of them. 

I never dabbled in anything hard drugs.. By the time I took it, we had already broken it down into powder form.

BUT I have danced with Molly twice in my life. And like everything else related to women… It was fun, it was bad for me, and I ended up with less money and self-respect than I did before we started.

There should be suspensions for steroids and murder. And even with that said, I may draft Aaron Hernandez on my fantasy team and play the waiting game. 

Quit being a cock block Rodger. Geez, what's next? Suspensions for back-to-back rape allegations? Loosen up.

FREE VON

A Little Self-Reflection

Last week before going to see the Duke, I was in Houston for work purposes. Well, the second night there I decide to get good and drunk, stay up drinking till around 5 in the morning, hit on my co-worker (who sits two cubes away from me) who is married with a kid, and show up late and still drunk to the next day's festivities. Professionalism.

On a more positive note, I did throw up a significant amount of weight on the incline bench yesterday.

Tuesday Bluesday

Here is your Tuesday Blueday jam of the week. Before I plant this little YouTube video below, I'd like to have a confession of my own. Last night I had sex. Last night, I lasted 2 minutes during the aforementioned sex. The Duke is not proud of himself. This song goes out to the poor lady laying beneath.

I'm really sorry about that babe, that's the first time that's ever happened to me. -DSA

Confession

Though this probably won't be as lyrically exquisite as Usher's Confessions (Part I or II), I'm just as in need to get it off my chest. So, as I've stated in previous posts, I'm sort of in the process of moving. My belongings are between my "old" apartment and my "new" house and it's gotten hard to keep track of what is where. I pretty much have the bare essentials left at the apartment, but I've still been spending most of my time there since the house will not be furnished until this weekend. Moreover, cable and internet is not set up to this point, and I'll be damned if I'm going to live like a fucking caveman for a week. I digress. My confession is that I have been living very much like a homeless person in recent days, minus the fact that I still shower and dress like a productive member of society. Admittedly, however, I haven't been to the grocery store in Godknowshowlong, so I've been scraping by in the food department strictly because I don't want to have to buy groceries and then move them to my new house. That just seems stupid. Even more stupid than eating a bag of popcorn for lunch. Finally, and perhaps most strangely, is that I left my hair gel/product/stuffthatmakesitlookgood at the house over the weekend, and since then I've been using cocoa butter as hair gel. I thought I remembered someone saying that you could use lotion as hair product, and it was going to be either that, toothpaste, or something from the kitchen, so it seemed like my only (best) option. This been more or less fine so far, despite the fact that it doesn't quite hold these golden locks in place as well as I would like. However, I realize now that I smell like a walking masturbation station. Thankfully nobody has called me out on it so far, but I'm just waiting for the moment when someone asks me if I just got done j'ing the bird because I smell like "alone time." I'll keep you updated on this, because it's bound to happen. So, if you happen to be going about your business within the next few days and smell the sweet aroma of buttsack and cocoa butter, just smile to yourself and know that it's just your gold ole pal Hansel.

The Duke/Charlie Pius Weekend Recap

Welp, prepare yourself for a letdown here. It's not that we didn't have a great weekend, but nothing of epic proportions happened. Also, I'll be sure to never use epic again. It's epically(not a real word) overused. I had a terrific weekend with my brown bear, but everything that happened were just good jokes, the kinds of things that don't translate well to story telling over a blog. As you can imagine, the drinking started immediately and was consistent through my final drink at about midnight last night. I feel delightful today and really want to be at work. I would highlight the weekends events but it would eventually turn into a jerkfest of inside jokes that you don't want to hear.

I threw up Saturday night....so there's that. Neither of us brought anyone home nor did we so much as get a number. Well I got a number Saturday, but it was from someone that I had previously met. Plus she is about 6'2 and weighs a metric ton. Aka the kind of girl that I would love to bang just to prove a point to all of you males that not only do I have no standards but I have no self respect or dignity either. Is this what rock bottom feels like or do I still have some falling to do? Also, am I supposed to pick myself up out of this black hole or do one of you trick me into and intervention and self-esteem rehab? How does this recovery process work? I need details before I commit to this.

On the bright side of things, I found out that the girl that I almost dated earlier in the year is in love with me months later. I had a feeling but hearing her admit it was the kind of karmic justice that keeps The Duke tickin'. Yea, maybe you shouldn't have left me for no reason to get back with that walking erection you call your boyfriend. It's kinda embarrassing for him that you're texting me these things while sitting in between the two of us. It's also embarrassing for you when you go thru my phone and see texts about me banging my Brazilian beauty and you get angry at me. As my boy Adam from Workaholics says "Mmmmmm jealousy does not look good on you.". It's embarrassing for me that this sort of stuff gets me off. In any event, I'm ending this mindless post with the quote of the weekend from Charlie "time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana". Godspeed bitches. -DSA

Simple thoughts

Movie titles are often misleading. for example, the movie "Good Will Hunting" has nothing to do with thrift stores OR hunting. Major bummer. It DOES have Jason Bourne and Peter Pan, though, so that's pretty sweet. It makes you wonder how they got paired together in a film, however. Chew on that for a while. 

UDWOTD

Joined at the dick - at least two heterosexual men (i.e., "bros") who cannot be mentioned without each other because they never leave the other's side.

Sentence:
Guy 1: "Hey, have you seen Jimmy today?"
Guy 2: "You mean Jimmy and Tony, right?"
Guy 1: "Oh yeah, I forgot they're joined at the dick."

As a side note, I hope that the other contributors to this blog are still alive. Happy Monday.

Oops...I did it again, and some other ranting

Good afternoon folks,

Firstly, I apologize for my brief hiatus from posting to our little blog here. Rest assured I wasn't just ignoring my devoted 3-4 readers, and my hiatus was from everything in life other than laying on the couch and partaking in some good, quality self-loathing. Why? Well, since it was Friday it meant I had to dust off my drinking shoes and hit the town with my group of comrades. There was plenty to drink to, as Hansel-pants was celebrating a recent move to a lovely little home in a less sketchy part of town. Long story short, mucho cervezas were consumed by all, good times were had, and yesterday ended up being a pretty wasted day. No seriously, I was still drunk all day I think. Not even a large latte and calzone that ended in a food baby could put a dent in this bad boy of a hangover, so most of my day was spent on the couch drifting in and out of shitty drunken naps. This, of course, led to a horrible night of sleep, and thus I have been up since 6:45AM. There are only so many times that one can check Facebook and twitter and all forms of social media in a matter of hours, which even led me to check my LinkedIn account, and where this rant will now target its focus.

For those of you who may be unfamiliar with LinkedIn, the best way to describe it is as a "professional Facebook." You fill out a profile with your educational and work history, you can post resumes, provide and receive recommendations from colleagues, etc. What I find pretty hilarious, though, is that when people go all out and take their LinkedIn profiles uber serious. They make a special trip to Walgreen's and take a passport-type photo of them in a shirt/tie or a killer new blouse from J.Crew, and they eloquently word their education and work history in a way that makes it seem like their community college was Harvard-esque and that shitstain of a summer internship four years ago was as important as a Navy SEAL mission. Even better is when these jabroni's have public Facebook, twitter, or Instagram profiles that can be just as easily accessed by potential employers. So, these boners clean up their LinkedIn profile to make themselves sound like real fucking boy scouts, unbeknownst to the fact that their employers are checking all forms of social media and can still see their shirtless, duck face, hammered drunk party pictures. Oh, you didn't get that job that you recently applied for? Maybe it's because you tweeted a picture of yourself wearing an empty beer case on your head and your most recent Facebook status is "Fuuuuuuuuccccked up." Here's the moral to this little tirade: Don't be a mench and keep your shit private. If you go about these things correctly, you can still party on, Wayne, AND make career moves like a G. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna grab some couch time and kick it Hansel-style.

Friends helping friends

As we all know by now, I am currently in the same locale as Duke. We are going out soon to meet up a couple of our female friends down here and Duke asked me to trim up his neck and any stragglers that may have started to slowly vine their way down his back. And as I was lost in that lustrous forest of back pubes I started to wonder, "what would other people say right now if the saw one grown man trimming that back of another grown man?" Then I quickly realized, since I'm a borderline sociopath, that I really wouldn't care what others thought about me trimming my friends back beard. So I started to wonder about more profound things such as, am I that good of a friend? If I had never been conceived does Duke's back still get a fresh line up?

What are some interesting things you have done to/for your friends (or them for you) that make you say, "if this dude wasn't my boy by choice there's no fucking way this would slide."

My best friend peed on me one night while drunk and sleep walking.

The Duke/Charlie Weekend

Just a fair warning to all of you hoodlums that The Duke and Charlie Pius will be reunited in just over two hours. This, of course, will lead to a lack of posts and comments Friday and Saturday but I am hoping that it should lead to an awesome weekend recap.

So what's on the agenda, you might be asking yourself. Well last night I get a random text from CP simply stating that 'trim is the word of the weekend'. Why yes, CP. Why yes it is. Woke up to one this morning asking if he can take his flask on the plane with him. I think it's clear to see where his head is. He is close to boarding his aeroplane as we speak and I will use this time to enter a similar frame of mind. I could use a beer during lunch, but I have to skip my lunch in order to pick his dumbass up from the airport. So instead I sit here, at work, but not working. Instead I am posting about not being able to post. Instead I am thinking about how I should be thinking tonight. I am a sitting paradox at the moment.

In any event, wish us good luck in the chase this weekend. Hopefully Sunday's recap is filled with fun and debauchery. And, as always, stories before standards. -DSA

Throwback Thursday

#tbt is what all the kids on the twitter and instagram are calling it these days. I don't really get it, but I'm totally into trends so we'll give this a try. Here's a little gem of me in my younger years. So young. So foolish. So hot right then. Classic Hansel. 

PS I'm still a huge Richard Gere fan. Pretty Woman is a remarkable movie. I wonder what that silver fox is up to these days? Richard, if you're reading this give me a shout.

You Weekly Horoscope with Hansel

Hey there sweetpeas. I decided that we should all take a lesson from Vickie Valencourt and get up on our astrology. Let's be honest, horoscopes are usually 100% spot on true. Although I'm not formally versed in astrology and I only knew like 3 of the sign things before I googled them, I think that my educational background more than makes up for the fact that I don't worship the Chinese New Year. Anyways, let's begin. Please note that the months/days of each sign are not included out of sheer laziness. If you don't know your sign then you suck anyway. Take 14 seconds and look it up yourself. Here goes.

Aries: You've recently experienced a loss in your life. Don't worry, however, because your appetite will return as soon as you stop dating that slampig of a human. Lucky numbers: 8, 498, *

Taurus: You will soon experience confusion over your sexuality after becoming aroused at a person of interest of the same sex. Good luck with that. Luck numbers: 43, 44, -45

Gemini: You're feeling old-school lately so you get back to your roots and listen to Outkast's album "Aquemini." After all, it rhymes with your sign name. Lucky numbers: .98, threve

Cancer: You do not have cancer, but you may soon catch a cough-due cold. Load up on tissues and Robitussin. Drink all of the Robitussin at once, and use the tissues to wipe the drool from your face. Lucky numbers: -832, 1, eleventy

Leo: You're really nailing it in life lately. Your construction job is going well, but you're thinking about making a career move. Steer clear of Pisces, fore they have herpes. Lucky numbers: n/a

Virgo: You're pretty butthurt about the amount of work you've been doing lately, but stay positive - there are good times ahead. Eat vegan for a few days and lose a few pounds, and people will like you more. Lucky numbers: 7, 99, 00

Libra: You will soon experience romance in an unexpected place from an unexpected person. Stay away from Taurus's of the same sex, because they probably want to bang you. Lucky numbers: 18, 4569, 2.1

Scorpio: You may or may not be developing wings, so prepare to fly in life. Or something... Lucky numbers: 10, 20, 30, 40, 50, 60, 70, 80, 100

Sagittarius: Alcohol brings you out of your depression and helps you realize your fully potential. You're not just a drunk, your an addict, too. Seek help ASAP. Lucky numbers: 12 oz, 40 oz, 500mg

Capricorn: Your loose stools are concerning and you should consider adding fiber to your diet. Try Fiber One bars, they are fabulous. Lucky numbers: 2, 4, 11000

Aquarius: Be wary of heights, because they should not be trifled with. Also, stay away from bear traps. Ask the coworker that you've become fond of on a date, you may be pleasantly surprised with what you find in his/her pants. Lucky numbers: 69

Pisces: You have herpes.

Everyone in the room is now dumber from having read that. I award myself 0 points, and may God have mercy on my soul.

Public Restroom Etiquette

So I am going to touch on a few pieces of public restroom etiquette here. When I see public restroom use, I tend to judge harshly. Certain things have been installed for specific uses. When I see these certain things being used for anything other than it's specific use, I tend to get angry. I then have this discussion with fellow co-workers that do not share my beliefs. Should I be in the minority, I will change my ways and what better place to turn than to you fine gentlemen. Ironically, or not (I'm not sure how to use this word properly), I am composing this post from the aforementioned public restroom. Yay, technology.

1.) Coincidentally, this will focus on- you guessed it- going #1. There are urinals. These are specifically designed to corral and dispose of your piss. When walking into a public restroom with intentions of expelling liquid waste, you should always head towards the urinals. But what do I do if there is already someone at one of the urinals and I don't want to pee next to someone? Well, firstly, I'd suggest you quit being such an infant about it. It's the men's restroom...we all got one...and we all pee out of it. Secondly, should you act like such a namby-pamby, the rule is to allow one urinal as a buffer zone. This can get tricky when there are even amount of urinals, but as a rule, use one as the buffer zone. Do NOT use 2. Why? Well assume there are 4 urinals (note: everyone knows even amounts of urinals is just a bad idea). Someone is at the far left one and you decide to use 2 as a buffer and take the far right. Well now what happens when someone else walks in and needs to make pee-pee? You've created a no win situation for this guy. No matter which one he chooses, it's next to someone, so you've forced him to select which wiener he'd rather catch in his peripherals. Congratulations, you're the worst person.

Should there be a barrier up between urinals, all bets are off. Pee wherever you want. There is a fucking wall there and they can't see your dangle, so quit your bitchin'.

2.) Under no circumstances should you choose to piss in a stall unless every single last urinal is currently occupied and you just can't hold it. Although peeing in a stall is very warm and cozy, it creates a mess in the complex ecosystem that is the bathroom. Not only do people piss on the seat and not clean up but this creates a log jam (pun intended) for those that have to deuce. Let's face it, 100% of the poops you have are more important than your pisses. Nothing makes me more irate than when I walk into an empty bathroom, or I'm the only other one in there, and someone walks right past and starts pissing in the stall. It's just disrespectful. I'd rather you hit my wife. This happens at least once a day and infuriates me beyond control.

Here should be your thought process when entering the bathroom to piss:

1. Are there other people here? 
1. No? Take an end urinal and enjoy
2. Yes? Advance to step 2
2. Is there an open urinal?
1. Yes? Using a 1 urinal buffer, settle in, and enjoy. Not enough open spaces for the buffer? Choose whom you'd like to stand next to and go.
2. No? Advance to step 3.
3. Can this wait an extra minute?
1. Yes? Wait for an opening. These things rarely last more than a minute. One is gonna clear up soon.
2. No, go into the stall, lift the goddamn seat (use your foot like a ninja if you're 5 and still afraid of germs), and make it quick. When finished, clean any splashing and put the seat down. Putting the clean seat down is key for anyone that's ever had a case of the mud butt and didn't have time to put the seat down and wipe the seat. Be courteous.

3.) Now that we got peeing outta the way, let's discuss pooping. We are going to assume that everyone has followed the rules above, we should have an open stall for your pooping pleasure. There are no rules for selecting a stall. Everyone has a favorite. Depant, plop down and ride out the storm. Let loose. This is your moment. Don't worry about what anyone else is gonna think. But be sure to acknowledge when you play a good game of battleshits. Sportsmanship is key with such a classy game. You don't need to shake hands, keep in mind you probably just wiped, but a nod will do. Pooping is fun and should be fun, do your part to help others enjoy.

4.) This one is less important but feel that it needs mentioned. When someone talks to you in the bathoom, simple responses are nice. Don't get weird cuz the guy touching his penis made eye contact and asked how your day was. Answer the question. I personally never start conversations at the urinal, but some do and to each his own. Being the respectable gentleman that I am, I converse. 

These are 4 simple rules that all boil down to one large problem. Don't pee in the stalls. It's pretty simple and I hate you if you do it. What about you guys? Thoughts? Agree or disagree? Drop a comment and let me know. -DSA

Simple thoughts

Do you think aliens can feel aliented? Or do they feel humanated? I'd hate for them to feel either. Everyone should just get along.

Also, here's this:

Happy Wednesday.

UDWOTD

It's that time again for another installment of UDWOTD. I decided that I probably won't do this every single day, but right now I'm proscrasturbating, so posting something seems better than doing real work.

Guysmaids - a guy man's groomsmen 

Sentence: "That's so super fabulous, Alex! Of course I'll be one of your guysmaids!"

Simple thoughts

Although rappers are apparently experts at rapping, they likely have below average wrapping skills. I wonder if white rappers and black wrappers are equally as rare in their respective fields? I google imaged "black wrapper" and it suggested "rapper" instead. Hmmm...I'm not sure if this tells us everything or nothing at all. You decide.

UDWOTD with Hansel

Hey to all of my travelling salesman friends out there. Duke prompted me to bring back an old Hansel tradition - the UDWOTD. For all you greenhorns out there, that stands for Urban Dictionary Word of the Day. This was something that I started doing with the original blog to have a bit of a giggle beyond the ridiculous shit that we already write about on a daily basis. So, here is the first installment of UDWOTD for the new blogspot. Remember, these are someone else's ideas, not mine. I'm certainly not intelligent enough to come up with this stuff. Enjoy.

Procrasturbating - Variant of procrastinate; using masturbation to otherwise occupy yourself while pressing matters await.

Sentence: "I had a paper due today, but I spent all night procrasturbating, so fuck that noise."

Tuesday Bluesday

Here is your Tuesday-Bluesday song of the week. Snap you outta that funk.

Don't do it Freddie...you monster. 

Also, let this serve as a public cry for the UDWOTD- DSA

What the heck?

A Pittsburgh Pirate is in the Home Run Derby. There are four Pittsburgh Pirates in the All Star Game. I wanted to post this for documentation so when the aliens take over they can have proof in text.

It's July..Baseball is all that is on.. This sucks

Because it's Monday.

A Reflective Post on the Dichotomy of Being Both A Drunk and a Productive Member of Society

I'm a pretty reflective guy (not because I live in a house full of mirrors, either), and so when I got done teaching this morning I took a (metaphorical) step back and considered the fact that my job is to shape the young minds of this great country of ours. For those of you who don't know, Uncle Hansel is not just a model; I am also pursuing an academic career and thus I am a 25-year-old burnt out graduate student at a large southeastern university. To help pay some tuition, I teach an undergraduate psychology class. This work also provides a small stipend, which helps support my drinking habit. Back to the matter at hand, though, is the fact that someone saw fit to place me in charge of between 15-30 college students for a few months at a time. However, my most recent blog was about how Jack Blacked out I was on Friday night and was dealing with a Stage 2 hangover all day Saturday (thank you, Duke). These things are certainly not expected to go hand-in-hand (e.g., teaching and being a drunken animal), but let's be honest, they do and always will. Should I feel guilty about this? I say nay nay. It doesn't matter what line of work you're in or how "professional" you may think your job is. The fact of the matter is that probably >90% of all of our coworkers, employers, and bosses do the same exact thing that we do on weekends - they drink to excess in attempt to forget Monday-Friday and likely make some irresponsible and silly decisions. On Monday morning, we all take a minute to pack away our irresponsibility and put on our "I'm a productive member of society" mask until Friday evening. So the next time you run into one of your coworkers at the water cooler (which I don't think ever actually happens - who the fuck just posts up by the water cooler?), look them in the eye, remember old Uncle Hansel's words, and take comfort in the fact that they too are a belligerent drunk just like you. If they are a member of that rare 10% that doesn't party hardy, the majority of them probably wish that they could be, and the remaining mongoloids that just don't drink don't deserved to be looked in the eye, anyway. So here's to us - the boozed-up majority shareholders in this thing called life. Hansel out. Take it away, Kesha.

Favor

Hey guys. Does anyone have the DVD or VHS collection of Andy Richter Controls The Universe? I have had a hankering to watch it and can't find it anywhere. 

Thanks

Weekend Recap/Random Nonsense

So here we are...in blog land again. Population 4 and there are no gas stations. The weekend is concluding rapidly and we quickly find ourselves with a full to-do list, an empty wallet and some baby seed drying on the floor at our feet. For those of you that believe in a deity, this certainly is not honoring the Sabbath. But worry not gentleman, for I am here with some random thoughts specially tailored for you. First I shall grab a beer and then I will return to resume this post...

...ahhhhh, much better. Walking to the kitchen I caught a glimpse of some Jack Daniels on my bar and decided that if I truly want to kick this hangover, and I do, I had better come at it a little harder than beer; Jack and Coke was my choice. Come at me bro. It's funny that I live in the South but refuse to conform to the whole soda/pop norms down here. I still hang on to my roots and call it pop. Soda is too proper and fuck proper. What I find silly is people that brand all pop as "Coke". They are fewer and further between than the soda/poppers but they still exist. They're dumb and I have no respect for them. Yet every time I order some Jack or Captain Morgan, I always order it with Coke. I realize that it's a 50/50 shot that I'm drinking Pepsi but I still call it Coke. Scroll up to the top of this paragraph, I call it a Jack and Coke but it's really Jack and Harris Teeter Brand Cola. Does this mean that I have no respect for myself anymore? Possibly. But fuck, I like the mystique behind it when I order Jack and Coke and the person next to me doesn't know if I want some Cola or a goddamn 8-ball of that white girl. We all know I don't dabble in the booger sugar, but Johnny Stares-a-lot doesn't know that and maybe that mystique just might prevent him from getting the worst Charlie horse of his life. But I digress.

As I sip this I am reminded of the rough Friday night that I had. Please, allow me to tell. So as all of you bloggers may already know, I am 'dating' a Brazilian girl whom we will call Favela. I put the word dating in quotes because she isn't my girlfriend and will likely never be but we see each other more than just friends with benefits. If you're into to titles, we will classify as 'dating'. If you're not into titles, then this sentence is irrelephant. Anywho, the ladyfriend left town early Saturday morning so she wanted to spend some time with me and hop aboard The Duke one last time for 8 days. So we hung out Friday night. I got some beer and she got some whiskey. I ordered a pizza and we grabbed a few movies; a basic date night. Well we started playing cards, and I, of course, was losing terribly because I don't know how to play your dumb Brazilian games. This then led to wagering on the games. We began to trade shots of whiskey, chugs of beer and articles of clothing as each game passed. 3 triple shots and 4 beers later, The Duke enters invincible mode. She gets a call from a friend that's down the street and away we go. We go out, we drink, we dance and I bump into a friend of mine. I get all sorts of drunk excited from seeing him and forget to introduce her. She is drunk. She overreacts. The first fight is underway. Ding...ding...ding

Now let's take a step back for a second. Everyone knows that drunk fights are the worst. Emotions run high when they shouldn't, words are spoken that aren't meant and both parties lose. Well let's take that and pepper in the tiny fact that her first language is Portuguese and has only been speaking English for a little over a year. So just imagine a guy getting scolded outside of a bar by a girl that is weaving in and out of English and Portuguese. I don't even know what was said. I didn't win the fight. Favela- 1 The Duke- 0. Cliche about wars and battles here.

Saturday was filled with masturbation, drinking and a lack of regret for those two activities. Do any of you make yourself a drink before you settle into a jerk session? I don't do it all the time, in fact I rarely do it, but I think that's one of my favorite activities. 

I didn't brush my teeth until 3pm today. I disappoint even me.

Welp The Duke will be signing off for the evening. I have a movie to watch. I just watched Silver Linings Playbook. I didn't much care for it but didn't hate it. Bradley Cooper wasn't even hot in it. Here is to hoping the next movie is better. 'Broken City' is the name of it, anyone see it? Good movie, good movie? It's a Redbox pick so sometimes you take what you can get. Alright fellas, see y'all tomorrow. -DSA

Gentlemen

Gentlemen. We fought hard out on the battlefield this weekend. Today is a day to honor those who have chased trim before us and those who dream of the pursuit one day.

To trim!

Saturday stuff

Hello blog nation (otherwise known as the 3 other people that actually read this). So as Duke reminded us, yesterday was in fact Friday, and since Uncle Hansel has a bit of a drinking problem, he hit the town last night with all intentions of getting hammed up. Well it was certainly a success, and I managed to get myself Rebecca Blacked out last night so needless to say I've been pretty useless today. I managed to make it to my bed last night before I passed out on top of my comforter, so that was a relative win for me. I don't think I even came close to accomplishing my goal of drinking all of the beers in town, but damnit I tried, and that's the best you can do sometimes. Anyways, today's biggest accomplishments have been locating my pants, boiling pasta, and making a cup of coffee. AKA I'm really killing it considering I feel like a bag of mashed up buttsacks. Of course I don't regret it one bit, because there was plenty to celebrate and like Rebecca says, you gotta get down on Friday. Some people like to "sweat out" their hangovers by getting a workout in, but I'm way too old school for that new age hip stuff. My hangovers are a pleasant reminder that alcohol is poison and I should be thankful for even being alive, let alone in good enough shape to boil some rigatoni. So, I'm going to be a man and lay on the couch all day and meet this thing head on. That's the American thing to do after all, #amiright? How do you deal with your hangovers, blogging buddies? This should make for an interesting discussion between 4 like minds. Can't wait to hear all about it. I hope your Saturdays are as awesome and rocking as mine, and here's to making Sunday as useless as today.

Hansel

Beautiful Day

Got stung by a bee today while mowing my yard. Ran over their hive, which was a hole in the ground, and a kerfuffle ensued. They weren't happy, I wasn't and am still not happy. Since those little bastards decided to attack my lawn mower and me I am eradicating those winged satan spawns with pure vengeance.

Thank you, Budget Pest Control; fuck you, bees.

Arrivederci.

Happy Stamos Day Everyone

You can have your Sunday to rest God, but Friday belongs to one man. I would like to dedicate my performance today to one of my role models. This man has seen more boxes than the UPS guy. He out-AIDS Magic Johnson in Los Angeles. He had a reign of terror over America each and every Friday night. Women want him, and so does Uncle Joey.

TGIStamosDay

Feedback

Not a rant but if you have feedback on the title, picture, font, layout blah blah blah let The Duke know and we will consider it. I said consider 'cuz I don't make changes willy-nilly ya bimbos -DSA

Simple thoughts

I ate some almonds today. They were Wonderful. I prefer Planter's peanuts though.

We're Back and It's Friday!!!!!!

Welp, I suppose it's my turn for the "Welcome Back" post. It feels good. Can't wait to rant mindlessly. Until then, I'll leave you with a video on this rainy Friday. -DSA

We're back.

Pucker up, because Duke and Hansel are reunited.