Whuttup blog world. Hansel has had an especially shit-filled week, so excuse me if these are a bit harsher and dark than normal. I blame it on the fact that my chi is fucked and the world is temporarily against me. However, things are darkest before dawn, so I'm sure there will soon be some sunlight on the horizon. Either that or this hurricane of awful luck will continue and I'll fall into a deep depression. To be continued. Anyways, here goes.
Aries: Keep your friends close and your enemies closer. Keep your frienemies somewhere in between. Lucky numbers: 8, 18, 28
Taurus: Try smiling more and see what happens. If you get smiles in return, congratulations. If you get stares and/or vomiting, you likely need to see a dentist because you have a snaggle tooth. Lucky numbers: 26, 41, ninety-four
Gemini: Your next visit to a Chinese restaurant will provide you with the meaning of life. Pass on the first fortune cookie, but take the second. Lucky numbers: you tell me, you know the meaning of life.
Cancer: People are going to start calling you a serial killer if you keep killin it like you have been. Try playing second fiddle to another to boost his/her morale. (Only relevant if you're in a band with fiddles). Lucky numbers: 2
Leo: Your talents will take you to unexpected places...in bed. Put that giant tongue and those man-hands to good use. Lucky numbers: uno, 27, 65
Virgo: Once it stops raining diarrhea on your parade and eases to a spray-fart, you will be able to think more clearly. Hang tight and weather the storm. Lucky numbers: $450 for a new car starter
**Hint: Hansel is a virgo.**
Libra: Keep hangin' and bangin' like a G and watch good fortunes come your way. Try adding smoothies to your diet, though, because they're fab. Lucky numbers: 13, eighteen, III
Scorpio: You've been acting very Riley Cooper-esque lately, and maybe you should take some racial sensitivity classes, bigot. Lucky numbers: 1582, 1757
Sagittarius: Try some masturbation to ease the tension that has recently crept into your life. It should also take care of that epic morning wood you've been sporting and the occasional wet dream. Lucky numbers: 7, 23, 28
Capricorn: Give a man a fish and he will eat for a night. Teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime. If you are a fish, ignore this horoscope because it will probably hurt your feelings. Lucky numbers: 22, 49
Aquarius: You know that alcoholic beverage that you never touch? You know, the one that when someone offers you always reply, "I don't do wine (or beer, liquor)" Give it another try. It's not so bad and you're just being a pussy. Lucky numbers: 12oz, 1.75L
Pisces: At this point I'm usually running out of material, which is why Pisces are the shit stain of the whole horoscope thing. However, I've been particularly negative with you and unrightfully so. Your fortunes are changing, even if your sexual promiscuity is not. Keep it in the pants and try taking a road trip or something. Just stay away from me. Maybe try trading up a few spots to get a more favorable draw next week. Lucky numbers: n/a, don't push your luck.
See you next week, campers.
These posts are gold. Never stop them.
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