Greetings earthlings. Still reeling from the spot-on-ness of last week's horoscope? Well read on, because apparently this stuff changes on the reg according to your zodiac cycle (whatever the hell that means). If you start taking this stuff to heart, and let's be honest I'm not sure why you wouldn't, your life will change. It won't necessarily change for the better at all, but it will change. Here goes.
Aries: You're feeling lonely, most likely because you scare the shit out of people with your intensity. Try chilling the fuck out and using the "4 second rule" between statements like they do in Night at the Roxbury (e.g., "What's up!?" 2, 3, 4...). Lucky numbers: 2, 3, 4
Taurus: It's getting hot in hurr, so take off all your clothes. No seriously, there is a heat wave spreading across the country, so try shedding a layer or 3. Also, start using deoderant, because you smell foul. Lucky numbers: 25, 6
Gemini: Become one with nature. Try taking a walk through a park or taking a swim in a lake or stream. Just kidding, sit in the air conditioning and work on your fupa. Lucky numbers: pi, 98*
Cancer: You're feeling romantic lately, so try spicing things up with your partner in the bedroom. Order one of those wedge things for sex positions, then please post a review in the comments section so I...I mean we...know how it works. Lucky numbers: 29.99, 39.99
Leo: Take the bull by the horns and relish in new opportunities. If rodeo clowning isn't for you, try pilates. Lucky numbers: 8, 1492, 9.67
Virgo: Your lack of sleep lately should be a concern, but there are more pressing matters ahead. Your zodiac cycle color is red, so stock up on Bud heavies, twizzlers, and as much pepperoni that you can fit into those little basket things at the grocery store. Lucky numbers: any number written in red.
Libra: Time has been an issue for you lately, so try replacing your watch battery, or carry an alarm clock on your shoulder like it's a boombox from the nineties. Set trends, be a leader. Lucky numbers: #, 4, 8===D
Scorpio: Just do you, whatever that means. I wouldn't recommend actually try to "do" yourself though, because that could get messy and never works. Talk to a Cancer, they're into romance, so maybe you can do each other. Lucky numbers: 69
Sagittarius: You can get a good look at a t-bone steak by sticking your head up a bull's ass, but wouldn't you rather take the butcher's word for it? Lucky numbers: n/a
Capricorn: Get in touch with some old high school or college friends and reminisce on memories of the past. Don't live in the past though, because that's just stupid. Lucky numbers: high school graduation year, college graduation year, year you lost our virginity
Aquarius: relive an episode of Naked and Afraid in your apartment/house. In order to do this, it will require that you find a like-minded stranger who is ok to be naked and afraid in your apartment for 21 days. Good luck. Number numbers: 2, 21
Pisces: It's not herpes, after all. However, it is The Clap, so join a support group and enjoy the burn.
:)
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