And the Responses...

Welp fellas here comes on of those "Little Bit of Everything" posts from The Duke. Before we do that let's take a look at the feedback we've received from this week's endeavors. #nowplaying Shinedown- 45 (acoustic)

First, my attempt to publish 'Dick Knickers' was...well here is the outcome

Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa? How could they not publish this? It's gold. Next time Hansel, next time. #nowplaying Alter Bridge- Shed My Skin

Next up my Craigslist ad for a footjob posted on Sunday and again on Tuesday. Here are screenshots from a few of my favorite answers. I am doing screenshots to 1.) prove legitimacy cuz text is easily tampered with and 2.) Because the links provided are likely viruses. Having majored in Cyber Security, that's kinda a bonehead move. Anywho, here they are. #nowplaying 2pac- How Do You Want It

If I really wanna get hooked or hoked? I hope (s)he is asking if I wanna get hoked. I wanna get hoked.

That's just Conkwright Beneke being Conkwright Beneke. I know these are all scams but I hope to god someone out there is names Conkwright Beneke.

Plain and simple, I'm looking for love in all the wrong places. Nothing screams "searching for love" quite like a footjob ad on the shadiest site ever created. Easy Hangartner, down girl. #nowplaying Barry Manilow- Mandy

So this is the closest one to a real response I got. She is 34, soon 35. That kind of grammar actually makes me think s(he) is the type of person to provide footjobs to strangers. Bear in mind that I did not offer money or anything, I just offered someone the unbridled joy of giving me a footjob. This ad actually provided a phone number to text. Running a quick google search on that phone number gives little to no info outside of the fact that its a NJ area code...once again, leading me to believe that this could be real. Jersey people, what can you do? #nowplaying Guns n Roses- Civil War

For what it's worth you can click on the pictures to enlarge. I wouldn't suggest doing so at your place of employment. Also, I got a response with a picture of some BBW and her bappers. I won't post this here because I don't peddle porn like some sort of barbarian. But anyways, how was your hump day? Full of humping? Mine wasn't so my hump day was very misleading and therefore disappointing. Where's a shoulder to cry on when you need it?

How come 2 chicks make out and are still 'straight' but I get caught jacking off to shemale porn and I'm the gay one? Double standards I tell ya. #nowplaying Dave Grohl ft. Corey Taylor- From Can to Can't

Here is some good/bad news depending on which side of this situation you're on. For me, it's quite satisfying to watch karma catch up to people. The girl that broke up with me back in February for her ex-boyfriend recently had her phone abducted and texts viewed. For those of you paying attention, this is the same girl that admitted to still having strong feelings (drunk me thinks 'in love' may have been dropped but sober me doubts it). Said ex-boyfriend/now current actual boyfriend saw texts from me from "a long time ago". Me thinks he saw some dirt on his chick and is not happy. She has not contacted me since. I'm pretty sure she won't be allowed to do so. I don't care because she wasn't much of a friend to begin with so I'm not losing much, but what goes around comes around. Now to not find pleasure in this so nothing comes around to me. #nowplaying Stone Sour- Zzyzx Rd.

How the fuck am I supposed to cheat on my girlfriend when Facebook is around? Fuck did our parents have the infidelity game easy. Shit wasn't even a challenge. I mean Christ, I'm a certified ninja and can't even get away with it. Also, I don't have a girlfriend, so that presents a different challenge when it comes to cheating. Cheating man...put your chick in her rightful place by cheating on her with someone 3 points less than her. It'll really erode that self esteem that hardly exists to begin with. Chicks that do anal do NOT hold themselves in high regard. I can't figure out why I can't find a girlfriend with that talk.

I'm guessing most of you didn't make it this far so I will wrap this up. I have a girl calling me in 20 minutes to break up (or whatever you call it when you're 'just talking') with me. I can't figure out if I should take the high road and be nice and understanding about it or if I should make this a joke. Chances are I will take the high road because that's who I am. But sometimes, just sometimes, I really want to take the low road just to see how satisfying it can be. But then again, what goes around comes around and I HATE karma. That bitch. #nowplaying Slipknot- Wait and Bleed

Adios amigos. One love- DSA

Tuesday Jam(s)

Well it's Tuesday again and I'm here with another installment of my weekly jam. This is usually just the song I've listened to the most over the past week that is friendly for the whole gang. As we all know, The Duke tends to have a taste for the heavier stuff which can be very niche. Well, this week, you get two suggestions. I call them suggestions 'cuz I doubt any of you listen to these. So here goes:

1.) Well the king of respected white people rapping (all 2 of them) is back with the first single off of his newest album set to drop in November. He has been and always will be my favorite rapper (mostly based off of race and the fact that we were both born in a trailer park) and his fucked up side also appears to be back. Good. For what it's worth the new album is named Marshall Mathers LP 2 which sets the bar since that's the best rap album since...fuck I don't know. I'm not urban enough to give honest insight into that. Anywho, here he is.

2.) This is more geared towards The Duke as he raises his devil horns to the sky, but the album was released today and so was my cold dark heart into the depths of hell. I know you guys don't like it but I do and this is MY post. In whatever case, check this thing out, it's actually more rock than metal. Duke likey

So there you go, a single from my favorite rapper and the album from one of my favorite modern rock/metal bands both released on the same day. Walk a mile in my musical shoes. Love you. Seacrest, out! -DSA

Your Parents Would Be DIsappointed

Well before I speak my piece (peace?) here, I want to commend Hansel for still posting. I get it, no one reads this but us, but fuckin' a do I enjoy it. So thanks Hansel, you make everyday a little brighter with that big smile, beautiful blonde hair and your rapist's wit.

Thank you Tom, Charlie...where are you guys? I feel like a boyfriend at the end of a relationship that I know is over but I keep fighting to make it work. Am I holding onto strings much better left to fray here? Tom, I miss your gifs and blunt force sexism and bigotry. How do I go on without it? Charlie, I miss the rhetoric and insightful, yet degenerative advice that you provide. How do I go on without it? Tell me how?

I sit here, alone, drinking a Bud Light because that's what single 26 year olds do. We drink alone. I haven't had a girlfriend in two years now and I'm more comfortable with the fact that no one loves me and that I will die alone than I am with the fact that this blog looks like it's dying for a 2nd time. I'm not a vet but blogs aren't cats. They don't have 9 lives. They have an undefined amount of lives because they're digital and they don't actually live, per se. But that's besides the fact. The fact of the matter is I miss you guys. Make me feel again. Make me alive.

 Also, rest in peace to those camo boxers. Oh, to have spent that much time close to your buttsack; what I would give. I envy the life that they had. RIP Camo Mammie Jammies, I think we all owe them a moment of silence. -DSA

Tuesday Jelly

Here is ya dingus'. Dingi? Dingæ? Dinguses? For what it's worth, that last one doesn't have a squiggly red line under it.




Just 'cuz today sucked. Enjoy- DSA

A Long Week's Friday

Gentleman, let me be the first to apologize for my absence this week. Sometimes the planets align and you just don't have the necessary time to do some proper blogging. After last Sunday's ramblings, which still make no sense, I am back for good. I also think the Chuck is prepping a post as well so we should be getting some increased activity here. Chuckle, we await your brilliance.

With that said, I have a few items to discuss and some to catch up on, they are:

Item 1- Brazilians are nuts; also, there are Brazil nuts. I believe there is irony in there, but I'm not smart enough to point it out. Please, deduce away. If crazy was a kamikaze she'd be Pearl Harbor. I've had to remove all contact with her due to the new mayor Bat Shit Bonkersville. All of you know who 'her' is. I should have known, pray for me people.

Item 2- For my birthday, I was given a personal Keurig that I have placed in my cubicle at work. So far this has been clutch in ways that I cannot even begin to describe (I actually can but coffee from said machine hasn't kicked in yet and that hamster in my head is not spinning on the wheel yet) but one massive issue remains; cup size. I have one of those traveling Starbucks cups that stand tall much like the actual Starbucks cup. Its ceramic and was a delightful purchase but it's too tall for under my new mini personal Keurig. So instead of using breakroom mugs like some sort of neanderthal, I had to go out and purchase my very own mug. Next, I need my own recliner and I'm bordering on dad status. Well anyone that knows The Duke knows that I have a special place in my heart for some of the internet's cliches, and thus the following mug has been purchased for my enjoyment:

So yea, instead of the 2 dollar mug from Target, I decided to spend tenfold and drink from a mug where a cat is debating the purchase of a water vessel. Sure, we've all made better purchases or have we?

Item 3- I took a panoramic picture yesterday in which I appear twice. No Photoshop, just The Duke cloned.  Faces blurred to protect the identity of the innocent. Here, enjoy:

Magic, I tell you. Magic!

Item 4- A random girl from South Carolina is driving to see me today. We have never met in person and she is staying for the weekend.  The obvious answer is online dating but that is not the case. How I get in the situations are beyond me but, fuck it, Yolo...amirite? #SWAG.

Item 5- I missed Tuesday (like literally I skipped Tuesday...fast forward button and everything) so therefore I missed my Tuesday Bluesday jam of the week. Although the days are a bit off, I will not deprive you of my music selection. Today we will go with a song and video that is appropriate for today. Lady and Gentlemen, I present to you:

Item 6- This item is meta. When posting, use labels. It's on the right side and it says "Labels". Click it and then select the appropriate labels for your post (as many as you want) or create your own. Just do it, mmk?

Well that's about all I got for now. I will be posting about this weekend in a weekend recap as I am sure to have something for you noodniks. Until then, drive fast, take chances and condoms are for sailors.- DSA

Tom Ace- Bat Signal

It's not often that we have to do this, but it is a necessary evil. It seems one of our own has disappeared. When Gotham falls victim to crime, sometimes we need to throw up the bat signal. Commissioner Gordon, do your thing...

...we miss you Tom- DSA and the Gang

The Duke turns 20-something

I'd like to special happy birthday to our guy, Duke St. Albans, as he turns 26 (+/- 1, to be safe). The Duke and I have had our share fond of memories together, and it's about time I acknowledge some of these homo-erotic fantasies to the rest of you. Tom and Charlie, I'm sure you have some classic Duke-isms, as well, and I'd love for you to share these, too. Since I'm both poor and cheap as shit, I will not be splurging on a birthday present for my man DSA. Rather, this compilation of memories will have to suffice until I see him in about a month's time. Then, I shall buy birthday beers and celebrating can commence. Anyways, here are my Top 5 Duke and Hansel Moments, in no particular order (because they're all equally as awesome). Many of these will revolve around The Duke's trip to NYC to visit me in the summer of 2011, because it was a debauchery-filled trip of nonsense and drunken good times. Here goes.

1. Drunken Tour of NYC: We snuck bottles of liquor onto a NYC double-decker bus as we took a tour of Manhattan. There was Jaeger (however the fuck you spell it), there was Vodka, there were good times. We got belligerent, yelled at animate and inanimate objects, probably groped each other, and had an all around good time.

2. Father's Day Baseball Game at Citi Field: We had breakfast sandwiches and 40s of Olde English delivered to my apartment at like 10AM. Drank the 40s on the subway ride over to Queens for the Mets game. Proceeded to play a rousing game of "If you guess what the next batter does at the plate correctly, the other person has to drink some of his $8 beer". This quickly went from "I bet he singles" or "I bet he walks" to, "I bet he bunt singles down the first base line" to, "I bet the pitcher boks and the runners advance" and etc. It went from sips of beers to full beers, and soon enough, Citi Field had probably collected well over $100 of our money and fathers everywhere were ashamed.

3. Duke and Hansel Eat Italian: It's no secret that the Duke loves him some Italian food. Post-Mets game, I took him to a little spot in midtown Manhattan, where in our drunken stuper, Duke and I fed each other food, wiped each other's mouths, and were just a complete all around mess.

4. Post-Italian food gayfest naptime: Things got pretty hazy throughout that meal, and by the time we got back to my place in the Upper West Side, we were hammered drunk, full of food, and ready to pass out. So we did. Apparently, we did so in our boxers in the same bed. I'm almost ashamed to admit it, but when we woke up and realized, we had a good laugh about it. Classic Duke and Hansel. We're totally straight though.

5. Black Velvet in the Basement: Many moons ago, The Duke came over to Hansel's house when we were both back in the homeland for a night of hanging out, catching up, and just watching some TV. Poppa Hansel had an unopened bottle of Black Velvet likely from a few decades ago when perhaps that was popular, so Duke and Hansel polish that poor sucker off in no time. Momma Hansel made breakfast the next morning. All around good 12 hours, I'd say.

And many, many more to come. Next up: Hansel visits The Duke in Raleigh in early September, and The Duke ventures southward at the end of October for some food old-fashioned Florida fun.

Happy Birthday, Duke!

<3
Hansel

Tuesday Bluesday

Hey All. It's been a few days for the big guy. After returning to the homeland for the better part of 5 days, I return to my current state of residence about 8 pounds heavier and with a few thousand less brain cells. When I wasn't being the world's greatest uncle, I was being the world's greatest drunk. I usually combine the two and call myself the world's greatest drunkle, but the novelty has since worn off on that and I realize that it wasn't that funny of a joke to begin with. My worst joke is still better than most's best joke so go fuck yourself imaginary judgmental man that reads this blog.

I usually keep my Tuesday posts short and sweet and just provide a YouTube video of some classic song to cheer you up and remind you that sometimes 5 grown men in spandex and makeup is acceptable and completely hetero, but since it's been a few days, I just wanted to touch base and let you know that I'm here and I'm queer. Not really, but kind of.

I'd like to give to digital round of applause to the two of you still posting. Hansel and Charlie, you two keep me young. Your posts actually had me laughing at work today like an idiot. Since I am an idiot, it turned out to be quite fitting. Well done gents. Tom Ace, wheredafuckyoubeen? I wanted you all to know that I have been thinking of ways to expand this blog and it's readers. I don't have any ideas but wanted you to know that I was thinking about it. I will keep you posted. *bated breath waits*

OK, so onto today's song. I usually try to keep it at a nice classic number or something that's easy to listen to regardless of tastes. My Queen post was evidence of this. Tenacious D was for humor and Dire Straits cuz that song is just so damn catchy. Well today, The Duke is going to be a little more selfish. Tomorrow is my 26th annual birthday (that's right, it's an annual event). With that said, here comes a song from my favorite band that has a little sex, drugs and some good old fashioned rock n' roll. And yes, that is actually a girl getting the brakes beat off in the middle interlude. Oh to be a rock star...the life you live. Without further ado.

And that, my friends, is how you play the fucking guitar. The Duke; over and out. -DSA