Tuesday Jam(s)

Well it's Tuesday again and I'm here with another installment of my weekly jam. This is usually just the song I've listened to the most over the past week that is friendly for the whole gang. As we all know, The Duke tends to have a taste for the heavier stuff which can be very niche. Well, this week, you get two suggestions. I call them suggestions 'cuz I doubt any of you listen to these. So here goes:

1.) Well the king of respected white people rapping (all 2 of them) is back with the first single off of his newest album set to drop in November. He has been and always will be my favorite rapper (mostly based off of race and the fact that we were both born in a trailer park) and his fucked up side also appears to be back. Good. For what it's worth the new album is named Marshall Mathers LP 2 which sets the bar since that's the best rap album since...fuck I don't know. I'm not urban enough to give honest insight into that. Anywho, here he is.

2.) This is more geared towards The Duke as he raises his devil horns to the sky, but the album was released today and so was my cold dark heart into the depths of hell. I know you guys don't like it but I do and this is MY post. In whatever case, check this thing out, it's actually more rock than metal. Duke likey

So there you go, a single from my favorite rapper and the album from one of my favorite modern rock/metal bands both released on the same day. Walk a mile in my musical shoes. Love you. Seacrest, out! -DSA

Your Weekly Horoscope with Hansel

What's up dingle berries, it's me again, Hansel, with another one of my completely totally awesome 100% true horoscopes. Seriously. Jennie boo and I are back at it again this week, and I'm really excited about this one. I think I'll focus on the "Key words" portion of Jennifer's rants, because those are the most insightful and fun. Should be super. Or not. Either way, enjoy.

Aries: Optimism is contagious; don't be afraid to spread them around! (This is not referring to your STDs; never be optimistic about those, so don't spread those, or your legs for that matter, anymore.)

Taurus: It's time to forgive and forget. (Fuck that noise; holding grudges is awesome. As long as you're doing that you have the upper hand. It's not immature, it's human nature. Stay stalwart, and think about things as if it were a hostage situation.)

Gemini: Release your emotional baggage. (Jennifer is clearly writing this for all the females out there, because dudes don't carry around emotional baggage. We try to limit our baggage altogether, all the time, I think. I suppose everyone is entitled to a good cry every now and then, though, so if you take this route at least put those tears to good use... also, just get ride of whatever doucher is causing you to have emotional baggage.)

Cancer: Opportunity can cross your path. (Really, Jennifer? Real fucking specific. This is about as generic as a rest stop condom. You know, the one's you buy for .75 cents and they just say "condom" on the box." Anyways, just tackle opportunities as if you were Terry Tate.)

Leo: Be realistic in your expectations. (Seriously, don't be an asshole with your wishes and aspirations. Better yet, wish in one hand and shit in the other. See which fills up first.)

Virgo: Be strategic, not emotional, in your decision-making process. (Bangarang. Jenny from the Block nailed this bitch. This might actually be good advice. Just approach all of your decisions as if you're playing a game of "Risk" or "Monopoly". We all know you play for keeps in those games.)

Libra: Positivity is your most alluring trait. (False. Kate Upton could be the most negative person in the world and I would still notice those bodacious chest beefers before I ever considered her positivity. Fact. It's science, look her up.)

Scorpio: Life is about to speed up, so get your affairs in order. (Life will only speed up if you let it. Quit being a nerd and take that life money shot to the face like a man.)

Sagittarius: Focus on the big picture, but don't neglect the details. (I respectfully disagree, Dr. Angelface. Focus on the details and the big picture will take care of itself. Process goals, not outcome goals, you guys.)

Capricorn: Anything is possible, don't give up. (Unless you want to be a professional athlete, or a successful recording artist, or the president. I'm losing faith in you, Jennifer. Add Gogurt to your diet, though, and watch the changes happen.)

Aquarius: Be ready to accept a different situation in your life. (Different = weird. Strap in, kiddies, because you're in for a ride. Yeehaw.)

Pisces: Stay true to your desires and believe in your ability to achieve your dreams. (We makin' dick soup, y'all.)

BTW, have you tweeted Jesus today? Sinner. Happy Thursday, peeps.

Tuesday Jelly

Here is ya dingus'. Dingi? Dingæ? Dinguses? For what it's worth, that last one doesn't have a squiggly red line under it.




Just 'cuz today sucked. Enjoy- DSA

A Long Week's Friday

Gentleman, let me be the first to apologize for my absence this week. Sometimes the planets align and you just don't have the necessary time to do some proper blogging. After last Sunday's ramblings, which still make no sense, I am back for good. I also think the Chuck is prepping a post as well so we should be getting some increased activity here. Chuckle, we await your brilliance.

With that said, I have a few items to discuss and some to catch up on, they are:

Item 1- Brazilians are nuts; also, there are Brazil nuts. I believe there is irony in there, but I'm not smart enough to point it out. Please, deduce away. If crazy was a kamikaze she'd be Pearl Harbor. I've had to remove all contact with her due to the new mayor Bat Shit Bonkersville. All of you know who 'her' is. I should have known, pray for me people.

Item 2- For my birthday, I was given a personal Keurig that I have placed in my cubicle at work. So far this has been clutch in ways that I cannot even begin to describe (I actually can but coffee from said machine hasn't kicked in yet and that hamster in my head is not spinning on the wheel yet) but one massive issue remains; cup size. I have one of those traveling Starbucks cups that stand tall much like the actual Starbucks cup. Its ceramic and was a delightful purchase but it's too tall for under my new mini personal Keurig. So instead of using breakroom mugs like some sort of neanderthal, I had to go out and purchase my very own mug. Next, I need my own recliner and I'm bordering on dad status. Well anyone that knows The Duke knows that I have a special place in my heart for some of the internet's cliches, and thus the following mug has been purchased for my enjoyment:

So yea, instead of the 2 dollar mug from Target, I decided to spend tenfold and drink from a mug where a cat is debating the purchase of a water vessel. Sure, we've all made better purchases or have we?

Item 3- I took a panoramic picture yesterday in which I appear twice. No Photoshop, just The Duke cloned.  Faces blurred to protect the identity of the innocent. Here, enjoy:

Magic, I tell you. Magic!

Item 4- A random girl from South Carolina is driving to see me today. We have never met in person and she is staying for the weekend.  The obvious answer is online dating but that is not the case. How I get in the situations are beyond me but, fuck it, Yolo...amirite? #SWAG.

Item 5- I missed Tuesday (like literally I skipped Tuesday...fast forward button and everything) so therefore I missed my Tuesday Bluesday jam of the week. Although the days are a bit off, I will not deprive you of my music selection. Today we will go with a song and video that is appropriate for today. Lady and Gentlemen, I present to you:

Item 6- This item is meta. When posting, use labels. It's on the right side and it says "Labels". Click it and then select the appropriate labels for your post (as many as you want) or create your own. Just do it, mmk?

Well that's about all I got for now. I will be posting about this weekend in a weekend recap as I am sure to have something for you noodniks. Until then, drive fast, take chances and condoms are for sailors.- DSA

Your Weekly Horoscope with Hansel

It seems as though the other contributors to this blog have up and vanished like farts in the wind (Shawshank Redemption), but fear not! Hanselpants is here to dance, and I shan't disappoint. My Astrology hoe Jennifer Angel and I are back at it again and we are ready to give you the skinny on your week to come. Hunker down and have yourself a read, ladies and gents.

Aries - Money: If your finances are in chaos, make changes in your financial behavior to alleviate stress. (Put back that case of Bud Light and grab that Natty Light case with a $5 mail-in rebate form. Besides, every day is Naturday).

Taurus - Love: Be realistic about what you want in your life and avoid trying to control someone. (Don't try to outkick your coverage - if you're a 6, go for a 6 and leave the 10s alone. But, don't settle for a 4 and be an asshole).

Gemini - Key words: Do not take gossip personally. (Seriously, this is actually really good advice. People talk shit on the reg, even you. It's a part of life. If you are going to talk shit, though, make sure it's really hurtful and the rumors you spread are totally outlandish. That'll show 'em).

Cancer - Career: Take regular breaks to refresh your thought process. (This sounds a lot like, "Get high during work and coast through the rest of your face like a stoned-faced goblin).

Leo - Love: When it comes to love, intellectual stimulation is what keeps the spark alive. (Don't date a dumb bitch or a bimbro. We've all been there, and it's completely mentally taxing, even if they're a sweet piece of ass or have a hand crank for a ween).

Virgo - Key words: People come and go throughout life. (If you aren't already a social butterfly, you better get used to j'ing it/flicking the bean alone in the dark. Sack up and meet some new people.)

Libra - Week ahead: Follow your intuition and do what you know to be right. (If your intuition is about as effective as the pull-out method as a contraceptive, just strap on your WWHD bracelet and think about what I would do, because I'm clearly a super successful grad student blogging juggernaut of a human).

Scorpio - You have a small window of time this week to get your affairs in order before life takes on a pace all of its own. (You're fucked. Hold onto your nipples and try to stay afloat).

Sagittarius - Week ahead: No matter what you do, you can't please everyone. (Seriously, even the best prostitutes have limits. If I were you, I'd shave that massive bush so your pedro looks a bit bigger, or if you're a lady, try getting vajazzled and see how that pleases your partner. Then let me know how that goes. #imcurious)

Capricorn - Career: This is an ideal time to collect your facts, plan, and research. (If you're a fucking nerd like me this makes a ton of sense. For everyone else, this means that you should start reading up on Fantasy Football hype or else your shitty team with your loser witty name is going to be the laughing stock of your league...again...)

Aquarius - Love: It is often not what you say, but how you deliver the message that makes the difference. (Try dirty talking in a Christian Bale Batman voice. Film the reaction.)

Pisces - Week ahead: There is potential to implement a major change in your life; the choices are ultimately yours. (Seriously you Pisces jagaloons, quit being little weiners and make some decisions. I've had bowel movements that are more productive and have more backbone than you.)

That'll do it folks. Until next week...

UDWOTD

This one is classic guy stuff. Like Dude Things 101 status. Act like you've never done it.

Piss muting - when you piss on the insides of the toilet bowl instead of the water to make for a less noisy piss.

Random Girl: Make sure you put your piss on mute, I don't want my roommates to know that I have a guy sleeping over.

Your Weekly Horoscope with Hansel

This week Hansel is doing things a bit differently. I found the New York Times horoscopes section, which are written by some blonde hag named Jennifer Angel. I'm going to use this nerd's format and see what she has to say about our horoscopes, but add my own little Hansel twist. After all, I've been doing this for a while now and I don't think I've ever been wrong when it comes to my horoscopes. If you disagree, kindly direct yourself away from this page and unkindly suck it. Let's see what Jennifer and Hansel have in store for us. Her statements will be predominantly listed, with my thoughts in parentheses. This is going to take a while, so I may just focus on some highlights.

Aries: Week ahead: in a single day, there is never enough time to cross off every item on your to-do list (so just procrastinate the fuck out of all of it and let someone else pick up the slack). Money: Hard work will soon yield a reward (C.R.E.A.M. - get strippers and make it rain).

Taurus: Love: A conversation to determine your commitment may need to take place (but since those are about as cool as AIDS, just do what everyone does and take boo out for drinks. Once hammered, we all know those conversations eventually happen and are way better to tolerate if you're both fucked-in-half drunk).

Gemini: Week ahead: The influence of Venus can brighten your home life (the influence of penis an brighten it even more). Key words: Beware of taking on too much (penis) and running yourself into the ground (with penis).

Cancer: Money: Fiscal news is on the way. (So is fistula news, so be prepared. Not sure what that is? Google it.) Be patient - good things will happen at the perfect time. (Once money does come your way, link up with an Aries because that motherfucker is about to have an awesome time).

Leo: This week's new moon in your sign is the start of your next 12-month solar phase. (Huh? WTF Jen. I think this means you need to moon someone in the next 12 months or you might die.) Key words: Communication planet Mercury moves to your sign, prompting a discussion on the home front. (Again, no idea what the hell that means. I think it also means show someone your "home front", AKA your dangle or clam.)

Virgo: Love: With love planet Venus in your sign, make yourself available for social situations (AKAe everyone wang chung tonight.) Key words: Knowledge is valuable, but don't forget to take your own good advice. (Hood advice is important, too, so listen to your heart when making important decisions pertaining to the ghetto. Trill.)

Libra: Career: With Mercury coming out of its retrograde shadow (Mercury is gay and coming out of the closet), communications can move ahead (so try talking to Mercury about his/her gayness).Key words: Get ready for developments at home (#freakybedroomshit).

Scorpio: Keep an open mind to all possibilities (you may wind up playing naked games with someone weird). Key words: Pace yourself (when pleasuring yourself; it's not a race, you guys.)

Sagittarius: With the sun in your seventh house, love shines directly on your heart. (nothing to say about this one, Jennifer fucking nailed it. Absolute perfection, particularly with the seventh house.) Money: News regarding financial security is on the way (I'M RICH BIIIIATTCCCCHH!)

Capricorn: Love: Romance and travel are both on the agenda (so join the Mile High Club while flying or pull over and have a quickie at a rest stop, if you're driving). Career: Some things are just meant to be; go with the flow of energy (first fryer at Mickie D's is nothing to complain about. Good work, sport.)

Aquarius: Love: You have an opportunity to discard anything negative and have a fresh start (but get one last anger-bang in real quick for good measure). Key words: Sharpen your time-management skills (but sharpen your pencils first; nothing is worse than having to take time to sharpen pencils; better yet, just use pens, perhaps ball-point Bics - sturdy and reliable).

Pisces: Week ahead: The love vibe is still strong (AKA you're horny), and an electric moment (with your vibrator) could send your head and heart into a spin. Love: Be patient. If love is not knocking on your door (it's probably for a reason), it will when the time is right (hang in there, champ).

Welp, that about does it for me. Good thing I didn't want to be productive today or anything. I think I'll go procrasturbate.

#Hanselout