Your Parents Would Be DIsappointed

Well before I speak my piece (peace?) here, I want to commend Hansel for still posting. I get it, no one reads this but us, but fuckin' a do I enjoy it. So thanks Hansel, you make everyday a little brighter with that big smile, beautiful blonde hair and your rapist's wit.

Thank you Tom, Charlie...where are you guys? I feel like a boyfriend at the end of a relationship that I know is over but I keep fighting to make it work. Am I holding onto strings much better left to fray here? Tom, I miss your gifs and blunt force sexism and bigotry. How do I go on without it? Charlie, I miss the rhetoric and insightful, yet degenerative advice that you provide. How do I go on without it? Tell me how?

I sit here, alone, drinking a Bud Light because that's what single 26 year olds do. We drink alone. I haven't had a girlfriend in two years now and I'm more comfortable with the fact that no one loves me and that I will die alone than I am with the fact that this blog looks like it's dying for a 2nd time. I'm not a vet but blogs aren't cats. They don't have 9 lives. They have an undefined amount of lives because they're digital and they don't actually live, per se. But that's besides the fact. The fact of the matter is I miss you guys. Make me feel again. Make me alive.

 Also, rest in peace to those camo boxers. Oh, to have spent that much time close to your buttsack; what I would give. I envy the life that they had. RIP Camo Mammie Jammies, I think we all owe them a moment of silence. -DSA

Your Weekly Horoscope with Hansel

What's up dingle berries, it's me again, Hansel, with another one of my completely totally awesome 100% true horoscopes. Seriously. Jennie boo and I are back at it again this week, and I'm really excited about this one. I think I'll focus on the "Key words" portion of Jennifer's rants, because those are the most insightful and fun. Should be super. Or not. Either way, enjoy.

Aries: Optimism is contagious; don't be afraid to spread them around! (This is not referring to your STDs; never be optimistic about those, so don't spread those, or your legs for that matter, anymore.)

Taurus: It's time to forgive and forget. (Fuck that noise; holding grudges is awesome. As long as you're doing that you have the upper hand. It's not immature, it's human nature. Stay stalwart, and think about things as if it were a hostage situation.)

Gemini: Release your emotional baggage. (Jennifer is clearly writing this for all the females out there, because dudes don't carry around emotional baggage. We try to limit our baggage altogether, all the time, I think. I suppose everyone is entitled to a good cry every now and then, though, so if you take this route at least put those tears to good use... also, just get ride of whatever doucher is causing you to have emotional baggage.)

Cancer: Opportunity can cross your path. (Really, Jennifer? Real fucking specific. This is about as generic as a rest stop condom. You know, the one's you buy for .75 cents and they just say "condom" on the box." Anyways, just tackle opportunities as if you were Terry Tate.)

Leo: Be realistic in your expectations. (Seriously, don't be an asshole with your wishes and aspirations. Better yet, wish in one hand and shit in the other. See which fills up first.)

Virgo: Be strategic, not emotional, in your decision-making process. (Bangarang. Jenny from the Block nailed this bitch. This might actually be good advice. Just approach all of your decisions as if you're playing a game of "Risk" or "Monopoly". We all know you play for keeps in those games.)

Libra: Positivity is your most alluring trait. (False. Kate Upton could be the most negative person in the world and I would still notice those bodacious chest beefers before I ever considered her positivity. Fact. It's science, look her up.)

Scorpio: Life is about to speed up, so get your affairs in order. (Life will only speed up if you let it. Quit being a nerd and take that life money shot to the face like a man.)

Sagittarius: Focus on the big picture, but don't neglect the details. (I respectfully disagree, Dr. Angelface. Focus on the details and the big picture will take care of itself. Process goals, not outcome goals, you guys.)

Capricorn: Anything is possible, don't give up. (Unless you want to be a professional athlete, or a successful recording artist, or the president. I'm losing faith in you, Jennifer. Add Gogurt to your diet, though, and watch the changes happen.)

Aquarius: Be ready to accept a different situation in your life. (Different = weird. Strap in, kiddies, because you're in for a ride. Yeehaw.)

Pisces: Stay true to your desires and believe in your ability to achieve your dreams. (We makin' dick soup, y'all.)

BTW, have you tweeted Jesus today? Sinner. Happy Thursday, peeps.