Don't Judge a Book by It's Cover, Jerks

Holy smokes was I wrong about this "awkward grownup party" that I referenced in my Friday post. It was pretty wild in a very strange and unique way. I'd put some money on the fact that you've never attended party that included the following characteristics and attendees. But first, let me set the stage and refresh your mems on some of the deets of this shindig. Fall semester started yesterday, so the end of last week was orientation week for new students, both undergraduate and graduate. The nerderiffic program that I am in always does some sort of dinner/barbeque/hangout thing preceded by a trip to local bars as an opportunity for "old" and "new" students to meet, mingle, and get comfortable with their surroundings. Since my roommates and I moved into a titties new house recently with plenty of space, we suggested that this little party be thrown at our crib. I wasn't quite sure how many people (or who specifically) would show up and who wouldn't, who would drink and who wouldn't, and who would choose to engage into rage mode once it entered the witching hour. Here is what ensued. 

Who showed up? Plenty of people. I'd guess 35-40 in total, both young and old - literally. There was a baby present for a while, that little nugget clocked in at the youngest. The oldest was probably mid- to late-thirties, so we were really across the board as far as the type of person that in my house for this get-together. Oh, and how could I have forgotten - there was an Olympian there, of course. Not really sure how that one worked out, but he was in attendance nonetheless.

Was it awkward? Not really. Sure there is some general apprehension and awkward-turtlesque stuff bound to happen in a room full of strangers, but more the most part, everyone that came drank and those who didn't seemed to be the type of people who are used to being the non-drinkers in a crowd full of boozers. Everyone was kind enough to bring some type of food or beverage, and not even the baby minded that there were people taking shots on one side of his baby-carrying device and beer pong on the other side. Things got weird. There was even a discussion on dick knickers.

What happened next? Well, things begin to get a bit hazy for Mr. Hansel at this point. We all made our way to the bar in small groups, and it pretty much just turned into a standard hammed-up night of more drinking, dancing, and conversing. The moral of this post is to not judge a book by its cover. What I expected to be a judgement fest at the sheer speed and amount of Busch Lights that I was consuming ended up being a killer time. Everyone was on the same page and wanted to let loose and enjoy a night out. This pleased me. 

How was your hangover, Hansel? Pretty fucking terrible, of course. I spent most of the day sitting at my kitchen table in a house full of filth discussing the night's events with my inner circle of homies. I capped the day off by gorging in Chinese food. Cowabunga.

Sunday Craigslist

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Your Parents Would Be DIsappointed

Well before I speak my piece (peace?) here, I want to commend Hansel for still posting. I get it, no one reads this but us, but fuckin' a do I enjoy it. So thanks Hansel, you make everyday a little brighter with that big smile, beautiful blonde hair and your rapist's wit.

Thank you Tom, Charlie...where are you guys? I feel like a boyfriend at the end of a relationship that I know is over but I keep fighting to make it work. Am I holding onto strings much better left to fray here? Tom, I miss your gifs and blunt force sexism and bigotry. How do I go on without it? Charlie, I miss the rhetoric and insightful, yet degenerative advice that you provide. How do I go on without it? Tell me how?

I sit here, alone, drinking a Bud Light because that's what single 26 year olds do. We drink alone. I haven't had a girlfriend in two years now and I'm more comfortable with the fact that no one loves me and that I will die alone than I am with the fact that this blog looks like it's dying for a 2nd time. I'm not a vet but blogs aren't cats. They don't have 9 lives. They have an undefined amount of lives because they're digital and they don't actually live, per se. But that's besides the fact. The fact of the matter is I miss you guys. Make me feel again. Make me alive.

 Also, rest in peace to those camo boxers. Oh, to have spent that much time close to your buttsack; what I would give. I envy the life that they had. RIP Camo Mammie Jammies, I think we all owe them a moment of silence. -DSA

A Long Week's Friday

Gentleman, let me be the first to apologize for my absence this week. Sometimes the planets align and you just don't have the necessary time to do some proper blogging. After last Sunday's ramblings, which still make no sense, I am back for good. I also think the Chuck is prepping a post as well so we should be getting some increased activity here. Chuckle, we await your brilliance.

With that said, I have a few items to discuss and some to catch up on, they are:

Item 1- Brazilians are nuts; also, there are Brazil nuts. I believe there is irony in there, but I'm not smart enough to point it out. Please, deduce away. If crazy was a kamikaze she'd be Pearl Harbor. I've had to remove all contact with her due to the new mayor Bat Shit Bonkersville. All of you know who 'her' is. I should have known, pray for me people.

Item 2- For my birthday, I was given a personal Keurig that I have placed in my cubicle at work. So far this has been clutch in ways that I cannot even begin to describe (I actually can but coffee from said machine hasn't kicked in yet and that hamster in my head is not spinning on the wheel yet) but one massive issue remains; cup size. I have one of those traveling Starbucks cups that stand tall much like the actual Starbucks cup. Its ceramic and was a delightful purchase but it's too tall for under my new mini personal Keurig. So instead of using breakroom mugs like some sort of neanderthal, I had to go out and purchase my very own mug. Next, I need my own recliner and I'm bordering on dad status. Well anyone that knows The Duke knows that I have a special place in my heart for some of the internet's cliches, and thus the following mug has been purchased for my enjoyment:

So yea, instead of the 2 dollar mug from Target, I decided to spend tenfold and drink from a mug where a cat is debating the purchase of a water vessel. Sure, we've all made better purchases or have we?

Item 3- I took a panoramic picture yesterday in which I appear twice. No Photoshop, just The Duke cloned.  Faces blurred to protect the identity of the innocent. Here, enjoy:

Magic, I tell you. Magic!

Item 4- A random girl from South Carolina is driving to see me today. We have never met in person and she is staying for the weekend.  The obvious answer is online dating but that is not the case. How I get in the situations are beyond me but, fuck it, Yolo...amirite? #SWAG.

Item 5- I missed Tuesday (like literally I skipped Tuesday...fast forward button and everything) so therefore I missed my Tuesday Bluesday jam of the week. Although the days are a bit off, I will not deprive you of my music selection. Today we will go with a song and video that is appropriate for today. Lady and Gentlemen, I present to you:

Item 6- This item is meta. When posting, use labels. It's on the right side and it says "Labels". Click it and then select the appropriate labels for your post (as many as you want) or create your own. Just do it, mmk?

Well that's about all I got for now. I will be posting about this weekend in a weekend recap as I am sure to have something for you noodniks. Until then, drive fast, take chances and condoms are for sailors.- DSA

Pardon the Format

This post is appropriately named 'Pardon the Format' as I am posting this from my phone...at a bar...alone. So naturally my grammer a puncshuashun may be a bit off; please forgive. As I type this some clown plays Kings of Leon on the jukebox. Easy there fella, this isn't the type of sensitive music that gets you laid. Ugh, some people's kids. And yes I'm at a bar alone. But only because this goddamn grilled cheese is from places unknown. If gold had a taste, it'd be the grilled cheese. I'm probably going to get balls deep in this Bud Light, but only because 'just the tip' never stops at just the tip. Next thing you know your ballsack is violently slapping her anus and both parties are sweating.

I have no direction for this post, just that sometimes the moons align with the Jupiters and you gotta follow that gut instinct. Is it good for you? Probably not but those flutters for drunken gluttony state a fact that simply cannot be argued. So stand up, salute and be proud. After all, you're all from one of the original 13 colonies in a universe that knows no border. If you want your mind blown talk to Cobain, if you want enlightened there is a light switch for that shit. You guys got this. Also, the license plate 'CerelKilr' will get you nowhere but incarcerated. Be above it. Many people ask that you take the high road so that they have more room on the low road. But fuck it, you aren't in traffic...you ARE traffic. Don't ever forget where you were.

You sometimes might wonder how you got here or where you're going but in the grand scheme of things, since when did such nonsense matter?  You've been given a gift that trillions have been denied by bed sheets and stomach linings but yet you choose to sit around and contemplate if the knife goes across or down the road. Buck up or shut up John Doe. If you see the light at the end of the tunnel, it's either freedom or a train coming your way. You gonna run to it or from it? They say the early bird gets the worm, but don't ever forget that the second mouse gets the cheese. It's paradoxical to think that we'll never know until we open the box but can't assume until we do, just ask Schrodinger's cat.  But hey, this is the type of shit you have to seek out. Flight or fight. I know it's backwards but I refuse to be submissive before aggressive. You want a knight in shining armor? Have him. To me, that means his meddle has never been tested. Is that who you really want standing in your corner, down in the trenches or changing your diaper? I didn't think so. Find me someone with a real heart and I'll ask you to stop killing people and exposing their innards. Psycho.

Anyways, back to my original thought, college football starts in under 3 weeks and my face can't wait.

-DSA

Fuzzy's Taco Shop

Hey y'all,

The title of the post has nothing to do with the content of the post. It's just what's written on the cup that is sitting in front of my roommate next to me. Inspiration is all around you if you just look for it, you guys. Anyways, in my most recent quest to drink all of the beers in the southern region of the U.S. of A, a friend introduced this little YouTube gem to me. Enjoy. For the record, I only left a few hundred thousand beers on the table, but those 15-20 poor empties wish they were never born and bottled. I will reimbark on this booze journey next weekend and hope to take out another 15-20 unsuspecting beer-shmucks. Oh yea, here is the video.

Happy Hangover Day.

Your Weekly Horoscope with Hansel

This week Hansel is doing things a bit differently. I found the New York Times horoscopes section, which are written by some blonde hag named Jennifer Angel. I'm going to use this nerd's format and see what she has to say about our horoscopes, but add my own little Hansel twist. After all, I've been doing this for a while now and I don't think I've ever been wrong when it comes to my horoscopes. If you disagree, kindly direct yourself away from this page and unkindly suck it. Let's see what Jennifer and Hansel have in store for us. Her statements will be predominantly listed, with my thoughts in parentheses. This is going to take a while, so I may just focus on some highlights.

Aries: Week ahead: in a single day, there is never enough time to cross off every item on your to-do list (so just procrastinate the fuck out of all of it and let someone else pick up the slack). Money: Hard work will soon yield a reward (C.R.E.A.M. - get strippers and make it rain).

Taurus: Love: A conversation to determine your commitment may need to take place (but since those are about as cool as AIDS, just do what everyone does and take boo out for drinks. Once hammered, we all know those conversations eventually happen and are way better to tolerate if you're both fucked-in-half drunk).

Gemini: Week ahead: The influence of Venus can brighten your home life (the influence of penis an brighten it even more). Key words: Beware of taking on too much (penis) and running yourself into the ground (with penis).

Cancer: Money: Fiscal news is on the way. (So is fistula news, so be prepared. Not sure what that is? Google it.) Be patient - good things will happen at the perfect time. (Once money does come your way, link up with an Aries because that motherfucker is about to have an awesome time).

Leo: This week's new moon in your sign is the start of your next 12-month solar phase. (Huh? WTF Jen. I think this means you need to moon someone in the next 12 months or you might die.) Key words: Communication planet Mercury moves to your sign, prompting a discussion on the home front. (Again, no idea what the hell that means. I think it also means show someone your "home front", AKA your dangle or clam.)

Virgo: Love: With love planet Venus in your sign, make yourself available for social situations (AKAe everyone wang chung tonight.) Key words: Knowledge is valuable, but don't forget to take your own good advice. (Hood advice is important, too, so listen to your heart when making important decisions pertaining to the ghetto. Trill.)

Libra: Career: With Mercury coming out of its retrograde shadow (Mercury is gay and coming out of the closet), communications can move ahead (so try talking to Mercury about his/her gayness).Key words: Get ready for developments at home (#freakybedroomshit).

Scorpio: Keep an open mind to all possibilities (you may wind up playing naked games with someone weird). Key words: Pace yourself (when pleasuring yourself; it's not a race, you guys.)

Sagittarius: With the sun in your seventh house, love shines directly on your heart. (nothing to say about this one, Jennifer fucking nailed it. Absolute perfection, particularly with the seventh house.) Money: News regarding financial security is on the way (I'M RICH BIIIIATTCCCCHH!)

Capricorn: Love: Romance and travel are both on the agenda (so join the Mile High Club while flying or pull over and have a quickie at a rest stop, if you're driving). Career: Some things are just meant to be; go with the flow of energy (first fryer at Mickie D's is nothing to complain about. Good work, sport.)

Aquarius: Love: You have an opportunity to discard anything negative and have a fresh start (but get one last anger-bang in real quick for good measure). Key words: Sharpen your time-management skills (but sharpen your pencils first; nothing is worse than having to take time to sharpen pencils; better yet, just use pens, perhaps ball-point Bics - sturdy and reliable).

Pisces: Week ahead: The love vibe is still strong (AKA you're horny), and an electric moment (with your vibrator) could send your head and heart into a spin. Love: Be patient. If love is not knocking on your door (it's probably for a reason), it will when the time is right (hang in there, champ).

Welp, that about does it for me. Good thing I didn't want to be productive today or anything. I think I'll go procrasturbate.

#Hanselout

Tuesday Bluesday

Hey All. It's been a few days for the big guy. After returning to the homeland for the better part of 5 days, I return to my current state of residence about 8 pounds heavier and with a few thousand less brain cells. When I wasn't being the world's greatest uncle, I was being the world's greatest drunk. I usually combine the two and call myself the world's greatest drunkle, but the novelty has since worn off on that and I realize that it wasn't that funny of a joke to begin with. My worst joke is still better than most's best joke so go fuck yourself imaginary judgmental man that reads this blog.

I usually keep my Tuesday posts short and sweet and just provide a YouTube video of some classic song to cheer you up and remind you that sometimes 5 grown men in spandex and makeup is acceptable and completely hetero, but since it's been a few days, I just wanted to touch base and let you know that I'm here and I'm queer. Not really, but kind of.

I'd like to give to digital round of applause to the two of you still posting. Hansel and Charlie, you two keep me young. Your posts actually had me laughing at work today like an idiot. Since I am an idiot, it turned out to be quite fitting. Well done gents. Tom Ace, wheredafuckyoubeen? I wanted you all to know that I have been thinking of ways to expand this blog and it's readers. I don't have any ideas but wanted you to know that I was thinking about it. I will keep you posted. *bated breath waits*

OK, so onto today's song. I usually try to keep it at a nice classic number or something that's easy to listen to regardless of tastes. My Queen post was evidence of this. Tenacious D was for humor and Dire Straits cuz that song is just so damn catchy. Well today, The Duke is going to be a little more selfish. Tomorrow is my 26th annual birthday (that's right, it's an annual event). With that said, here comes a song from my favorite band that has a little sex, drugs and some good old fashioned rock n' roll. And yes, that is actually a girl getting the brakes beat off in the middle interlude. Oh to be a rock star...the life you live. Without further ado.

And that, my friends, is how you play the fucking guitar. The Duke; over and out. -DSA