Here is ya dingus'. Dingi? Dingæ? Dinguses? For what it's worth, that last one doesn't have a squiggly red line under it.
Just 'cuz today sucked. Enjoy- DSA
Tuesday, August 20, 2013
Monday, August 19, 2013
Google Image- Fixed DSA
This is the first image that comes up when you google image search 'best picture on the Internet.
Friday, August 16, 2013
A Long Week's Friday
Gentleman, let me be the first to apologize for my absence this week. Sometimes the planets align and you just don't have the necessary time to do some proper blogging. After last Sunday's ramblings, which still make no sense, I am back for good. I also think the Chuck is prepping a post as well so we should be getting some increased activity here. Chuckle, we await your brilliance.
With that said, I have a few items to discuss and some to catch up on, they are:
Item 1- Brazilians are nuts; also, there are Brazil nuts. I believe there is irony in there, but I'm not smart enough to point it out. Please, deduce away. If crazy was a kamikaze she'd be Pearl Harbor. I've had to remove all contact with her due to the new mayor Bat Shit Bonkersville. All of you know who 'her' is. I should have known, pray for me people.
Item 2- For my birthday, I was given a personal Keurig that I have placed in my cubicle at work. So far this has been clutch in ways that I cannot even begin to describe (I actually can but coffee from said machine hasn't kicked in yet and that hamster in my head is not spinning on the wheel yet) but one massive issue remains; cup size. I have one of those traveling Starbucks cups that stand tall much like the actual Starbucks cup. Its ceramic and was a delightful purchase but it's too tall for under my new mini personal Keurig. So instead of using breakroom mugs like some sort of neanderthal, I had to go out and purchase my very own mug. Next, I need my own recliner and I'm bordering on dad status. Well anyone that knows The Duke knows that I have a special place in my heart for some of the internet's cliches, and thus the following mug has been purchased for my enjoyment:
So yea, instead of the 2 dollar mug from Target, I decided to spend tenfold and drink from a mug where a cat is debating the purchase of a water vessel. Sure, we've all made better purchases or have we?
Item 3- I took a panoramic picture yesterday in which I appear twice. No Photoshop, just The Duke cloned. Faces blurred to protect the identity of the innocent. Here, enjoy:
Magic, I tell you. Magic!
Item 4- A random girl from South Carolina is driving to see me today. We have never met in person and she is staying for the weekend. The obvious answer is online dating but that is not the case. How I get in the situations are beyond me but, fuck it, Yolo...amirite? #SWAG.
Item 5- I missed Tuesday (like literally I skipped Tuesday...fast forward button and everything) so therefore I missed my Tuesday Bluesday jam of the week. Although the days are a bit off, I will not deprive you of my music selection. Today we will go with a song and video that is appropriate for today. Lady and Gentlemen, I present to you:
Item 6- This item is meta. When posting, use labels. It's on the right side and it says "Labels". Click it and then select the appropriate labels for your post (as many as you want) or create your own. Just do it, mmk?
Well that's about all I got for now. I will be posting about this weekend in a weekend recap as I am sure to have something for you noodniks. Until then, drive fast, take chances and condoms are for sailors.- DSA
With that said, I have a few items to discuss and some to catch up on, they are:
Item 1- Brazilians are nuts; also, there are Brazil nuts. I believe there is irony in there, but I'm not smart enough to point it out. Please, deduce away. If crazy was a kamikaze she'd be Pearl Harbor. I've had to remove all contact with her due to the new mayor Bat Shit Bonkersville. All of you know who 'her' is. I should have known, pray for me people.
Item 2- For my birthday, I was given a personal Keurig that I have placed in my cubicle at work. So far this has been clutch in ways that I cannot even begin to describe (I actually can but coffee from said machine hasn't kicked in yet and that hamster in my head is not spinning on the wheel yet) but one massive issue remains; cup size. I have one of those traveling Starbucks cups that stand tall much like the actual Starbucks cup. Its ceramic and was a delightful purchase but it's too tall for under my new mini personal Keurig. So instead of using breakroom mugs like some sort of neanderthal, I had to go out and purchase my very own mug. Next, I need my own recliner and I'm bordering on dad status. Well anyone that knows The Duke knows that I have a special place in my heart for some of the internet's cliches, and thus the following mug has been purchased for my enjoyment:
So yea, instead of the 2 dollar mug from Target, I decided to spend tenfold and drink from a mug where a cat is debating the purchase of a water vessel. Sure, we've all made better purchases or have we?
Item 3- I took a panoramic picture yesterday in which I appear twice. No Photoshop, just The Duke cloned. Faces blurred to protect the identity of the innocent. Here, enjoy:
Magic, I tell you. Magic!
Item 4- A random girl from South Carolina is driving to see me today. We have never met in person and she is staying for the weekend. The obvious answer is online dating but that is not the case. How I get in the situations are beyond me but, fuck it, Yolo...amirite? #SWAG.
Item 5- I missed Tuesday (like literally I skipped Tuesday...fast forward button and everything) so therefore I missed my Tuesday Bluesday jam of the week. Although the days are a bit off, I will not deprive you of my music selection. Today we will go with a song and video that is appropriate for today. Lady and Gentlemen, I present to you:
Item 6- This item is meta. When posting, use labels. It's on the right side and it says "Labels". Click it and then select the appropriate labels for your post (as many as you want) or create your own. Just do it, mmk?
Well that's about all I got for now. I will be posting about this weekend in a weekend recap as I am sure to have something for you noodniks. Until then, drive fast, take chances and condoms are for sailors.- DSA
Thursday, August 15, 2013
Your Weekly Horoscope with Hansel
It seems as though the other contributors to this blog have up and vanished like farts in the wind (Shawshank Redemption), but fear not! Hanselpants is here to dance, and I shan't disappoint. My Astrology hoe Jennifer Angel and I are back at it again and we are ready to give you the skinny on your week to come. Hunker down and have yourself a read, ladies and gents.
Aries - Money: If your finances are in chaos, make changes in your financial behavior to alleviate stress. (Put back that case of Bud Light and grab that Natty Light case with a $5 mail-in rebate form. Besides, every day is Naturday).
Taurus - Love: Be realistic about what you want in your life and avoid trying to control someone. (Don't try to outkick your coverage - if you're a 6, go for a 6 and leave the 10s alone. But, don't settle for a 4 and be an asshole).
Gemini - Key words: Do not take gossip personally. (Seriously, this is actually really good advice. People talk shit on the reg, even you. It's a part of life. If you are going to talk shit, though, make sure it's really hurtful and the rumors you spread are totally outlandish. That'll show 'em).
Cancer - Career: Take regular breaks to refresh your thought process. (This sounds a lot like, "Get high during work and coast through the rest of your face like a stoned-faced goblin).
Leo - Love: When it comes to love, intellectual stimulation is what keeps the spark alive. (Don't date a dumb bitch or a bimbro. We've all been there, and it's completely mentally taxing, even if they're a sweet piece of ass or have a hand crank for a ween).
Virgo - Key words: People come and go throughout life. (If you aren't already a social butterfly, you better get used to j'ing it/flicking the bean alone in the dark. Sack up and meet some new people.)
Libra - Week ahead: Follow your intuition and do what you know to be right. (If your intuition is about as effective as the pull-out method as a contraceptive, just strap on your WWHD bracelet and think about what I would do, because I'm clearly a super successful grad student blogging juggernaut of a human).
Scorpio - You have a small window of time this week to get your affairs in order before life takes on a pace all of its own. (You're fucked. Hold onto your nipples and try to stay afloat).
Sagittarius - Week ahead: No matter what you do, you can't please everyone. (Seriously, even the best prostitutes have limits. If I were you, I'd shave that massive bush so your pedro looks a bit bigger, or if you're a lady, try getting vajazzled and see how that pleases your partner. Then let me know how that goes. #imcurious)
Capricorn - Career: This is an ideal time to collect your facts, plan, and research. (If you're a fucking nerd like me this makes a ton of sense. For everyone else, this means that you should start reading up on Fantasy Football hype or else your shitty team with your loser witty name is going to be the laughing stock of your league...again...)
Aquarius - Love: It is often not what you say, but how you deliver the message that makes the difference. (Try dirty talking in a Christian Bale Batman voice. Film the reaction.)
Pisces - Week ahead: There is potential to implement a major change in your life; the choices are ultimately yours. (Seriously you Pisces jagaloons, quit being little weiners and make some decisions. I've had bowel movements that are more productive and have more backbone than you.)
That'll do it folks. Until next week...
Aries - Money: If your finances are in chaos, make changes in your financial behavior to alleviate stress. (Put back that case of Bud Light and grab that Natty Light case with a $5 mail-in rebate form. Besides, every day is Naturday).
Taurus - Love: Be realistic about what you want in your life and avoid trying to control someone. (Don't try to outkick your coverage - if you're a 6, go for a 6 and leave the 10s alone. But, don't settle for a 4 and be an asshole).
Gemini - Key words: Do not take gossip personally. (Seriously, this is actually really good advice. People talk shit on the reg, even you. It's a part of life. If you are going to talk shit, though, make sure it's really hurtful and the rumors you spread are totally outlandish. That'll show 'em).
Cancer - Career: Take regular breaks to refresh your thought process. (This sounds a lot like, "Get high during work and coast through the rest of your face like a stoned-faced goblin).
Leo - Love: When it comes to love, intellectual stimulation is what keeps the spark alive. (Don't date a dumb bitch or a bimbro. We've all been there, and it's completely mentally taxing, even if they're a sweet piece of ass or have a hand crank for a ween).
Virgo - Key words: People come and go throughout life. (If you aren't already a social butterfly, you better get used to j'ing it/flicking the bean alone in the dark. Sack up and meet some new people.)
Libra - Week ahead: Follow your intuition and do what you know to be right. (If your intuition is about as effective as the pull-out method as a contraceptive, just strap on your WWHD bracelet and think about what I would do, because I'm clearly a super successful grad student blogging juggernaut of a human).
Scorpio - You have a small window of time this week to get your affairs in order before life takes on a pace all of its own. (You're fucked. Hold onto your nipples and try to stay afloat).
Sagittarius - Week ahead: No matter what you do, you can't please everyone. (Seriously, even the best prostitutes have limits. If I were you, I'd shave that massive bush so your pedro looks a bit bigger, or if you're a lady, try getting vajazzled and see how that pleases your partner. Then let me know how that goes. #imcurious)
Capricorn - Career: This is an ideal time to collect your facts, plan, and research. (If you're a fucking nerd like me this makes a ton of sense. For everyone else, this means that you should start reading up on Fantasy Football hype or else your shitty team with your loser witty name is going to be the laughing stock of your league...again...)
Aquarius - Love: It is often not what you say, but how you deliver the message that makes the difference. (Try dirty talking in a Christian Bale Batman voice. Film the reaction.)
Pisces - Week ahead: There is potential to implement a major change in your life; the choices are ultimately yours. (Seriously you Pisces jagaloons, quit being little weiners and make some decisions. I've had bowel movements that are more productive and have more backbone than you.)
That'll do it folks. Until next week...
Wednesday, August 14, 2013
A bit of advice
Did you know that a "bit" is a piece of information that reduces uncertainty by half? I knew that.
And to answer the question that's been burning in your burn since we re-started this blogging expedition: Garnier Fructis 2-in-1 Shampoo-Conditioner.
Moving forward, onto my advice. While spending some daily time on the porcelain throne earlier, I couldn't help but think about how comfortable I've become pooing away from home base. In fact, I often prefer it. This particular chud was even taking place while in the comfort of my own home, but this thought still popped into my head. There are certain subtleties that you can't help but miss when doing your business as a member of the visiting team (e.g., a cozy clean toilet seat, magazines and reading of your choice, toilet paper that doesn't feel like sand paper, pictures next to the toilet like the one listed in Figure 1, etc), but those are just comforts, and comforts are such a small part of the deuce equation.
Figure 1
Honestly, if you're shitting at work or school, those toilets are probably getting cleaned more often (daily) than your home commode (whenever someone of the opposite sex is coming over). Furthermore, and this one is HUGE for me, you're using someone else's TP. Nothing grinds my gears more than having to buy stupid shit like TP, paper towels, deodorant, toothpaste, etc. If I can minimize on those costs, I'm going to do it. Each time I have to waste my hard-earned greenbacks on garbage like that, it's just a reminder of how many beers I can no longer purchase because of it. If you're taking a dumper away from home though, you're just pooing on someone else's tab. Score! You can go to town and use as much of that shit as you want (see Figure 2) - wad it up thick enough and it's almost like you're not scraping our b-hole with coarse sand paper. Listen, long story short: home provides you with luxuries, but luxuries come with a price. My advice is to get comfortable defecating at school or work. If you can avoid gas stations, bars, and restaurants (particularly since people treat public restrooms like an R-Kelly slam), that's OK, but if work and school poops are possible - get used to them! A lot of the time you'll be on the clock anyways, so you'll be getting paid to lay cable. Double score.
Figure 2
Happy shitting, friends!
And to answer the question that's been burning in your burn since we re-started this blogging expedition: Garnier Fructis 2-in-1 Shampoo-Conditioner.
Moving forward, onto my advice. While spending some daily time on the porcelain throne earlier, I couldn't help but think about how comfortable I've become pooing away from home base. In fact, I often prefer it. This particular chud was even taking place while in the comfort of my own home, but this thought still popped into my head. There are certain subtleties that you can't help but miss when doing your business as a member of the visiting team (e.g., a cozy clean toilet seat, magazines and reading of your choice, toilet paper that doesn't feel like sand paper, pictures next to the toilet like the one listed in Figure 1, etc), but those are just comforts, and comforts are such a small part of the deuce equation.
Figure 1
Honestly, if you're shitting at work or school, those toilets are probably getting cleaned more often (daily) than your home commode (whenever someone of the opposite sex is coming over). Furthermore, and this one is HUGE for me, you're using someone else's TP. Nothing grinds my gears more than having to buy stupid shit like TP, paper towels, deodorant, toothpaste, etc. If I can minimize on those costs, I'm going to do it. Each time I have to waste my hard-earned greenbacks on garbage like that, it's just a reminder of how many beers I can no longer purchase because of it. If you're taking a dumper away from home though, you're just pooing on someone else's tab. Score! You can go to town and use as much of that shit as you want (see Figure 2) - wad it up thick enough and it's almost like you're not scraping our b-hole with coarse sand paper. Listen, long story short: home provides you with luxuries, but luxuries come with a price. My advice is to get comfortable defecating at school or work. If you can avoid gas stations, bars, and restaurants (particularly since people treat public restrooms like an R-Kelly slam), that's OK, but if work and school poops are possible - get used to them! A lot of the time you'll be on the clock anyways, so you'll be getting paid to lay cable. Double score.
Figure 2
Happy shitting, friends!
Tuesday, August 13, 2013
UDWOTD
This one is classic guy stuff. Like Dude Things 101 status. Act like you've never done it.
Piss muting - when you piss on the insides of the toilet bowl instead of the water to make for a less noisy piss.
Random Girl: Make sure you put your piss on mute, I don't want my roommates to know that I have a guy sleeping over.
Sunday, August 11, 2013
Pardon the Format
This post is appropriately named 'Pardon the Format' as I am posting this from my phone...at a bar...alone. So naturally my grammer a puncshuashun may be a bit off; please forgive. As I type this some clown plays Kings of Leon on the jukebox. Easy there fella, this isn't the type of sensitive music that gets you laid. Ugh, some people's kids. And yes I'm at a bar alone. But only because this goddamn grilled cheese is from places unknown. If gold had a taste, it'd be the grilled cheese. I'm probably going to get balls deep in this Bud Light, but only because 'just the tip' never stops at just the tip. Next thing you know your ballsack is violently slapping her anus and both parties are sweating.
I have no direction for this post, just that sometimes the moons align with the Jupiters and you gotta follow that gut instinct. Is it good for you? Probably not but those flutters for drunken gluttony state a fact that simply cannot be argued. So stand up, salute and be proud. After all, you're all from one of the original 13 colonies in a universe that knows no border. If you want your mind blown talk to Cobain, if you want enlightened there is a light switch for that shit. You guys got this. Also, the license plate 'CerelKilr' will get you nowhere but incarcerated. Be above it. Many people ask that you take the high road so that they have more room on the low road. But fuck it, you aren't in traffic...you ARE traffic. Don't ever forget where you were.
You sometimes might wonder how you got here or where you're going but in the grand scheme of things, since when did such nonsense matter? You've been given a gift that trillions have been denied by bed sheets and stomach linings but yet you choose to sit around and contemplate if the knife goes across or down the road. Buck up or shut up John Doe. If you see the light at the end of the tunnel, it's either freedom or a train coming your way. You gonna run to it or from it? They say the early bird gets the worm, but don't ever forget that the second mouse gets the cheese. It's paradoxical to think that we'll never know until we open the box but can't assume until we do, just ask Schrodinger's cat. But hey, this is the type of shit you have to seek out. Flight or fight. I know it's backwards but I refuse to be submissive before aggressive. You want a knight in shining armor? Have him. To me, that means his meddle has never been tested. Is that who you really want standing in your corner, down in the trenches or changing your diaper? I didn't think so. Find me someone with a real heart and I'll ask you to stop killing people and exposing their innards. Psycho.
Anyways, back to my original thought, college football starts in under 3 weeks and my face can't wait.
-DSA
I have no direction for this post, just that sometimes the moons align with the Jupiters and you gotta follow that gut instinct. Is it good for you? Probably not but those flutters for drunken gluttony state a fact that simply cannot be argued. So stand up, salute and be proud. After all, you're all from one of the original 13 colonies in a universe that knows no border. If you want your mind blown talk to Cobain, if you want enlightened there is a light switch for that shit. You guys got this. Also, the license plate 'CerelKilr' will get you nowhere but incarcerated. Be above it. Many people ask that you take the high road so that they have more room on the low road. But fuck it, you aren't in traffic...you ARE traffic. Don't ever forget where you were.
You sometimes might wonder how you got here or where you're going but in the grand scheme of things, since when did such nonsense matter? You've been given a gift that trillions have been denied by bed sheets and stomach linings but yet you choose to sit around and contemplate if the knife goes across or down the road. Buck up or shut up John Doe. If you see the light at the end of the tunnel, it's either freedom or a train coming your way. You gonna run to it or from it? They say the early bird gets the worm, but don't ever forget that the second mouse gets the cheese. It's paradoxical to think that we'll never know until we open the box but can't assume until we do, just ask Schrodinger's cat. But hey, this is the type of shit you have to seek out. Flight or fight. I know it's backwards but I refuse to be submissive before aggressive. You want a knight in shining armor? Have him. To me, that means his meddle has never been tested. Is that who you really want standing in your corner, down in the trenches or changing your diaper? I didn't think so. Find me someone with a real heart and I'll ask you to stop killing people and exposing their innards. Psycho.
Anyways, back to my original thought, college football starts in under 3 weeks and my face can't wait.
-DSA
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