Aries - Money: If your finances are in chaos, make changes in your financial behavior to alleviate stress. (Put back that case of Bud Light and grab that Natty Light case with a $5 mail-in rebate form. Besides, every day is Naturday).
Taurus - Love: Be realistic about what you want in your life and avoid trying to control someone. (Don't try to outkick your coverage - if you're a 6, go for a 6 and leave the 10s alone. But, don't settle for a 4 and be an asshole).
Gemini - Key words: Do not take gossip personally. (Seriously, this is actually really good advice. People talk shit on the reg, even you. It's a part of life. If you are going to talk shit, though, make sure it's really hurtful and the rumors you spread are totally outlandish. That'll show 'em).
Cancer - Career: Take regular breaks to refresh your thought process. (This sounds a lot like, "Get high during work and coast through the rest of your face like a stoned-faced goblin).
Leo - Love: When it comes to love, intellectual stimulation is what keeps the spark alive. (Don't date a dumb bitch or a bimbro. We've all been there, and it's completely mentally taxing, even if they're a sweet piece of ass or have a hand crank for a ween).
Virgo - Key words: People come and go throughout life. (If you aren't already a social butterfly, you better get used to j'ing it/flicking the bean alone in the dark. Sack up and meet some new people.)
Libra - Week ahead: Follow your intuition and do what you know to be right. (If your intuition is about as effective as the pull-out method as a contraceptive, just strap on your WWHD bracelet and think about what I would do, because I'm clearly a super successful grad student blogging juggernaut of a human).
Scorpio - You have a small window of time this week to get your affairs in order before life takes on a pace all of its own. (You're fucked. Hold onto your nipples and try to stay afloat).
Sagittarius - Week ahead: No matter what you do, you can't please everyone. (Seriously, even the best prostitutes have limits. If I were you, I'd shave that massive bush so your pedro looks a bit bigger, or if you're a lady, try getting vajazzled and see how that pleases your partner. Then let me know how that goes. #imcurious)
Capricorn - Career: This is an ideal time to collect your facts, plan, and research. (If you're a fucking nerd like me this makes a ton of sense. For everyone else, this means that you should start reading up on Fantasy Football hype or else your shitty team with your loser witty name is going to be the laughing stock of your league...again...)
Aquarius - Love: It is often not what you say, but how you deliver the message that makes the difference. (Try dirty talking in a Christian Bale Batman voice. Film the reaction.)
Pisces - Week ahead: There is potential to implement a major change in your life; the choices are ultimately yours. (Seriously you Pisces jagaloons, quit being little weiners and make some decisions. I've had bowel movements that are more productive and have more backbone than you.)
That'll do it folks. Until next week...
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