Your Weekly Horoscope with Hansel

This week Hansel is doing things a bit differently. I found the New York Times horoscopes section, which are written by some blonde hag named Jennifer Angel. I'm going to use this nerd's format and see what she has to say about our horoscopes, but add my own little Hansel twist. After all, I've been doing this for a while now and I don't think I've ever been wrong when it comes to my horoscopes. If you disagree, kindly direct yourself away from this page and unkindly suck it. Let's see what Jennifer and Hansel have in store for us. Her statements will be predominantly listed, with my thoughts in parentheses. This is going to take a while, so I may just focus on some highlights.

Aries: Week ahead: in a single day, there is never enough time to cross off every item on your to-do list (so just procrastinate the fuck out of all of it and let someone else pick up the slack). Money: Hard work will soon yield a reward (C.R.E.A.M. - get strippers and make it rain).

Taurus: Love: A conversation to determine your commitment may need to take place (but since those are about as cool as AIDS, just do what everyone does and take boo out for drinks. Once hammered, we all know those conversations eventually happen and are way better to tolerate if you're both fucked-in-half drunk).

Gemini: Week ahead: The influence of Venus can brighten your home life (the influence of penis an brighten it even more). Key words: Beware of taking on too much (penis) and running yourself into the ground (with penis).

Cancer: Money: Fiscal news is on the way. (So is fistula news, so be prepared. Not sure what that is? Google it.) Be patient - good things will happen at the perfect time. (Once money does come your way, link up with an Aries because that motherfucker is about to have an awesome time).

Leo: This week's new moon in your sign is the start of your next 12-month solar phase. (Huh? WTF Jen. I think this means you need to moon someone in the next 12 months or you might die.) Key words: Communication planet Mercury moves to your sign, prompting a discussion on the home front. (Again, no idea what the hell that means. I think it also means show someone your "home front", AKA your dangle or clam.)

Virgo: Love: With love planet Venus in your sign, make yourself available for social situations (AKAe everyone wang chung tonight.) Key words: Knowledge is valuable, but don't forget to take your own good advice. (Hood advice is important, too, so listen to your heart when making important decisions pertaining to the ghetto. Trill.)

Libra: Career: With Mercury coming out of its retrograde shadow (Mercury is gay and coming out of the closet), communications can move ahead (so try talking to Mercury about his/her gayness).Key words: Get ready for developments at home (#freakybedroomshit).

Scorpio: Keep an open mind to all possibilities (you may wind up playing naked games with someone weird). Key words: Pace yourself (when pleasuring yourself; it's not a race, you guys.)

Sagittarius: With the sun in your seventh house, love shines directly on your heart. (nothing to say about this one, Jennifer fucking nailed it. Absolute perfection, particularly with the seventh house.) Money: News regarding financial security is on the way (I'M RICH BIIIIATTCCCCHH!)

Capricorn: Love: Romance and travel are both on the agenda (so join the Mile High Club while flying or pull over and have a quickie at a rest stop, if you're driving). Career: Some things are just meant to be; go with the flow of energy (first fryer at Mickie D's is nothing to complain about. Good work, sport.)

Aquarius: Love: You have an opportunity to discard anything negative and have a fresh start (but get one last anger-bang in real quick for good measure). Key words: Sharpen your time-management skills (but sharpen your pencils first; nothing is worse than having to take time to sharpen pencils; better yet, just use pens, perhaps ball-point Bics - sturdy and reliable).

Pisces: Week ahead: The love vibe is still strong (AKA you're horny), and an electric moment (with your vibrator) could send your head and heart into a spin. Love: Be patient. If love is not knocking on your door (it's probably for a reason), it will when the time is right (hang in there, champ).

Welp, that about does it for me. Good thing I didn't want to be productive today or anything. I think I'll go procrasturbate.

#Hanselout