Your Weekly Horoscope with Hansel

What's up dingle berries, it's me again, Hansel, with another one of my completely totally awesome 100% true horoscopes. Seriously. Jennie boo and I are back at it again this week, and I'm really excited about this one. I think I'll focus on the "Key words" portion of Jennifer's rants, because those are the most insightful and fun. Should be super. Or not. Either way, enjoy.

Aries: Optimism is contagious; don't be afraid to spread them around! (This is not referring to your STDs; never be optimistic about those, so don't spread those, or your legs for that matter, anymore.)

Taurus: It's time to forgive and forget. (Fuck that noise; holding grudges is awesome. As long as you're doing that you have the upper hand. It's not immature, it's human nature. Stay stalwart, and think about things as if it were a hostage situation.)

Gemini: Release your emotional baggage. (Jennifer is clearly writing this for all the females out there, because dudes don't carry around emotional baggage. We try to limit our baggage altogether, all the time, I think. I suppose everyone is entitled to a good cry every now and then, though, so if you take this route at least put those tears to good use... also, just get ride of whatever doucher is causing you to have emotional baggage.)

Cancer: Opportunity can cross your path. (Really, Jennifer? Real fucking specific. This is about as generic as a rest stop condom. You know, the one's you buy for .75 cents and they just say "condom" on the box." Anyways, just tackle opportunities as if you were Terry Tate.)

Leo: Be realistic in your expectations. (Seriously, don't be an asshole with your wishes and aspirations. Better yet, wish in one hand and shit in the other. See which fills up first.)

Virgo: Be strategic, not emotional, in your decision-making process. (Bangarang. Jenny from the Block nailed this bitch. This might actually be good advice. Just approach all of your decisions as if you're playing a game of "Risk" or "Monopoly". We all know you play for keeps in those games.)

Libra: Positivity is your most alluring trait. (False. Kate Upton could be the most negative person in the world and I would still notice those bodacious chest beefers before I ever considered her positivity. Fact. It's science, look her up.)

Scorpio: Life is about to speed up, so get your affairs in order. (Life will only speed up if you let it. Quit being a nerd and take that life money shot to the face like a man.)

Sagittarius: Focus on the big picture, but don't neglect the details. (I respectfully disagree, Dr. Angelface. Focus on the details and the big picture will take care of itself. Process goals, not outcome goals, you guys.)

Capricorn: Anything is possible, don't give up. (Unless you want to be a professional athlete, or a successful recording artist, or the president. I'm losing faith in you, Jennifer. Add Gogurt to your diet, though, and watch the changes happen.)

Aquarius: Be ready to accept a different situation in your life. (Different = weird. Strap in, kiddies, because you're in for a ride. Yeehaw.)

Pisces: Stay true to your desires and believe in your ability to achieve your dreams. (We makin' dick soup, y'all.)

BTW, have you tweeted Jesus today? Sinner. Happy Thursday, peeps.