You Weekly Horoscope with Hansel

Hey there sweetpeas. I decided that we should all take a lesson from Vickie Valencourt and get up on our astrology. Let's be honest, horoscopes are usually 100% spot on true. Although I'm not formally versed in astrology and I only knew like 3 of the sign things before I googled them, I think that my educational background more than makes up for the fact that I don't worship the Chinese New Year. Anyways, let's begin. Please note that the months/days of each sign are not included out of sheer laziness. If you don't know your sign then you suck anyway. Take 14 seconds and look it up yourself. Here goes.

Aries: You've recently experienced a loss in your life. Don't worry, however, because your appetite will return as soon as you stop dating that slampig of a human. Lucky numbers: 8, 498, *

Taurus: You will soon experience confusion over your sexuality after becoming aroused at a person of interest of the same sex. Good luck with that. Luck numbers: 43, 44, -45

Gemini: You're feeling old-school lately so you get back to your roots and listen to Outkast's album "Aquemini." After all, it rhymes with your sign name. Lucky numbers: .98, threve

Cancer: You do not have cancer, but you may soon catch a cough-due cold. Load up on tissues and Robitussin. Drink all of the Robitussin at once, and use the tissues to wipe the drool from your face. Lucky numbers: -832, 1, eleventy

Leo: You're really nailing it in life lately. Your construction job is going well, but you're thinking about making a career move. Steer clear of Pisces, fore they have herpes. Lucky numbers: n/a

Virgo: You're pretty butthurt about the amount of work you've been doing lately, but stay positive - there are good times ahead. Eat vegan for a few days and lose a few pounds, and people will like you more. Lucky numbers: 7, 99, 00

Libra: You will soon experience romance in an unexpected place from an unexpected person. Stay away from Taurus's of the same sex, because they probably want to bang you. Lucky numbers: 18, 4569, 2.1

Scorpio: You may or may not be developing wings, so prepare to fly in life. Or something... Lucky numbers: 10, 20, 30, 40, 50, 60, 70, 80, 100

Sagittarius: Alcohol brings you out of your depression and helps you realize your fully potential. You're not just a drunk, your an addict, too. Seek help ASAP. Lucky numbers: 12 oz, 40 oz, 500mg

Capricorn: Your loose stools are concerning and you should consider adding fiber to your diet. Try Fiber One bars, they are fabulous. Lucky numbers: 2, 4, 11000

Aquarius: Be wary of heights, because they should not be trifled with. Also, stay away from bear traps. Ask the coworker that you've become fond of on a date, you may be pleasantly surprised with what you find in his/her pants. Lucky numbers: 69

Pisces: You have herpes.

Everyone in the room is now dumber from having read that. I award myself 0 points, and may God have mercy on my soul.