Public Restroom Etiquette

So I am going to touch on a few pieces of public restroom etiquette here. When I see public restroom use, I tend to judge harshly. Certain things have been installed for specific uses. When I see these certain things being used for anything other than it's specific use, I tend to get angry. I then have this discussion with fellow co-workers that do not share my beliefs. Should I be in the minority, I will change my ways and what better place to turn than to you fine gentlemen. Ironically, or not (I'm not sure how to use this word properly), I am composing this post from the aforementioned public restroom. Yay, technology.

1.) Coincidentally, this will focus on- you guessed it- going #1. There are urinals. These are specifically designed to corral and dispose of your piss. When walking into a public restroom with intentions of expelling liquid waste, you should always head towards the urinals. But what do I do if there is already someone at one of the urinals and I don't want to pee next to someone? Well, firstly, I'd suggest you quit being such an infant about it. It's the men's restroom...we all got one...and we all pee out of it. Secondly, should you act like such a namby-pamby, the rule is to allow one urinal as a buffer zone. This can get tricky when there are even amount of urinals, but as a rule, use one as the buffer zone. Do NOT use 2. Why? Well assume there are 4 urinals (note: everyone knows even amounts of urinals is just a bad idea). Someone is at the far left one and you decide to use 2 as a buffer and take the far right. Well now what happens when someone else walks in and needs to make pee-pee? You've created a no win situation for this guy. No matter which one he chooses, it's next to someone, so you've forced him to select which wiener he'd rather catch in his peripherals. Congratulations, you're the worst person.

Should there be a barrier up between urinals, all bets are off. Pee wherever you want. There is a fucking wall there and they can't see your dangle, so quit your bitchin'.

2.) Under no circumstances should you choose to piss in a stall unless every single last urinal is currently occupied and you just can't hold it. Although peeing in a stall is very warm and cozy, it creates a mess in the complex ecosystem that is the bathroom. Not only do people piss on the seat and not clean up but this creates a log jam (pun intended) for those that have to deuce. Let's face it, 100% of the poops you have are more important than your pisses. Nothing makes me more irate than when I walk into an empty bathroom, or I'm the only other one in there, and someone walks right past and starts pissing in the stall. It's just disrespectful. I'd rather you hit my wife. This happens at least once a day and infuriates me beyond control.

Here should be your thought process when entering the bathroom to piss:

1. Are there other people here? 
1. No? Take an end urinal and enjoy
2. Yes? Advance to step 2
2. Is there an open urinal?
1. Yes? Using a 1 urinal buffer, settle in, and enjoy. Not enough open spaces for the buffer? Choose whom you'd like to stand next to and go.
2. No? Advance to step 3.
3. Can this wait an extra minute?
1. Yes? Wait for an opening. These things rarely last more than a minute. One is gonna clear up soon.
2. No, go into the stall, lift the goddamn seat (use your foot like a ninja if you're 5 and still afraid of germs), and make it quick. When finished, clean any splashing and put the seat down. Putting the clean seat down is key for anyone that's ever had a case of the mud butt and didn't have time to put the seat down and wipe the seat. Be courteous.

3.) Now that we got peeing outta the way, let's discuss pooping. We are going to assume that everyone has followed the rules above, we should have an open stall for your pooping pleasure. There are no rules for selecting a stall. Everyone has a favorite. Depant, plop down and ride out the storm. Let loose. This is your moment. Don't worry about what anyone else is gonna think. But be sure to acknowledge when you play a good game of battleshits. Sportsmanship is key with such a classy game. You don't need to shake hands, keep in mind you probably just wiped, but a nod will do. Pooping is fun and should be fun, do your part to help others enjoy.

4.) This one is less important but feel that it needs mentioned. When someone talks to you in the bathoom, simple responses are nice. Don't get weird cuz the guy touching his penis made eye contact and asked how your day was. Answer the question. I personally never start conversations at the urinal, but some do and to each his own. Being the respectable gentleman that I am, I converse. 

These are 4 simple rules that all boil down to one large problem. Don't pee in the stalls. It's pretty simple and I hate you if you do it. What about you guys? Thoughts? Agree or disagree? Drop a comment and let me know. -DSA