Aries: Week ahead: Your intuition is heightened; pay attention to what it tells you.
H: Look, the only intuition I have is that which tells me when I need to take a poo. If you’re not a Neanderthal like me, you still probably have as much intuition as a cup of shitty coffee. There is no Jiminy Cricket to tell you what to do, so why not just act logically like someone successful would do.
*Note: at the moment, I’m not exactly what you would consider “successful”, so ignore everything I said.
Taurus: Key words: Teamwork is favored over toiling solo.
H: I’m gonna be honest, if I’m in the mood to jibber the goods I’d rather it be solo. There is no sense to bring in a supporting cast for something that can easily be done by a one-man band. However, if you’re going to include someone, try a dutch rudder. Google it.
Gemini: Career: With Mars’ planetary activity affecting your sign, there’s no time to dwell on any one issue for too long.
H: Seriously, what the fuck, Jen? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5hfYJsQAhl0
Just get over your shit and move on.
Cancer: Love: Be careful trying to change someone; instead, love them for who they are.
H: No. You should definitely try to change people, or at least fuck with them a little bit. Try using behaviorist principles to train a friend or loved one like Pavlov's dog. It will be super rewarding to you, at the other person's expense, of course. If they catch on, just tell them that I told you to do it.
Leo: Money: A connection with someone can result in opportunities. Make sure you know what you want.
H: Most people have no idea what they want, so you're up shit creek on this one. Just because you feel a connection with someone in a business sense does not mean that they feel the same way. Have you seen The Social Network? Your ass is going to get Zuckerberg'd if you're not careful, hombre.
Virgo: Career: Stay focused on the future. What you do from this point on is what can make the difference in your life.
H: This statement is about as bland as a white rice on white bread sammich. I am a Virgo, however, so I'll try to take this one seriously. I think that since it's my birthday month, I'll interpret this accordingly. What she's trying to say is that I need to be on my best behavior for the next two weeks in order to maximize my potential for receiving pitty birthday presents, and I couldn't agree more. This can make or break me getting a couple of "I feel sorry for your lame life, so here's a $2 Coronoa for your birthday," which at this point, is a huge thing for me. In other news, I am pathetic.
Libra: Money: Set goals and go after them with steely determination.
H: You should also listen to a lot of Steely Dan. I don't know any of their music at all, but steely is a completely underutilized word as far as I'm concerned, so give it a go. Perhaps link up with a Taurus and have a steely teamwork toil.
Scorpio: Key words: There is no place for self-doubt in your life.
H: There is always room for self-doubt. Of course it's completely crippling and can make even the most confident boners seems like scared little turtles. You should definitely just compare yourself to someone that you are more successful than and boost that ego fo real.
Sagittarius: Key words: Life is a juggling act.
H: Well said, Jen. There are way too many sexual references to make here, so I'm going to surpass them all and skip to something a bit more PG-13. It's like farting in public. You know you're going to let that little fella free, but doing it at the appropriate time and place is a juggling act. You have to ensure that if it's an audible butt trumpet, you somehow cover up the sound. If it smells like air that just passed by your poo, you need to ensure that nobody in the general area can point to you as the farter. It's a delicate balance, people. Do you do the cough and fart? The walking crop dust? Do you lift a leg, or try to squeeze it out el naturale? No seriously, tell me what I should do, because I somehow always mess this up or I just end up holding it and having diarrhea later. :(
Capricorn: Week ahead: If travel is in your planner, check the details to ensure everything is in place at home.
H: Seriously, there is nothing worse than forgetting to run the dish washer before you head out for the weekend, only to come home to dirty dishes. If you are traveling, though, definitely set your marks high for airport beers and airplane cocktails. Remember: you can never drink enough on a plane. Traveling is miserable, between everything smelling like diapers and constantly being smashed between foreign people or the only obese folks on your flight. Drink up, Duke.
Aquarius: Love: To attract love, show your softer side.
H: This one is tricky. You should only show your hard side when appropriate, but if she thinks that she doesn't turn you on because you can't get a Pedro during your cheap ass Groupon salsa lessons, you could be in trouble. Try an in-between approach and go for a quarter-chub appearance like 90% of the time. You're welcome.
Pisces: Love: Don’t let emotional baggage get in the way of romance.
H: There is literally nothing worse than emotional baggage. We've all been there. Throw on some Boys II Men, cry it out with a bottle of Pinot, and do some binge eating - you'll feel 10x worse, guaranteed.
This was exhausting, and football is on. I'm going to go be American and sit in front of the TV for the next 9 hours watching people who are actually athletic and overpaid do their jobs. Happy Sunday, dick wrinkles.
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