Your Weekly Horoscope with Hansel

Back by popular demand (you greedy little wieners), it's your weekly horoscope with Dr. Hansel. Here's how it's going to work, at least for this week. I'm going to rely on snippets from my boo, Jennifer Angel with the NY Daily News, for my content, and I'll add my little Hanselpants spice to her bland recipes. Let us not forget that she likely knows what she's doing, as far as anyone can know what they're doing when they're practicing something completely fake and stupid, so take my words with a grain of salt, but also do exactly what I say. Or else. Here goes.

Aries: Week ahead: Your intuition is heightened; pay attention to what it tells you.
H: Look, the only intuition I have is that which tells me when I need to take a poo. If you’re not a Neanderthal like me, you still probably have as much intuition as a cup of shitty coffee. There is no Jiminy Cricket to tell you what to do, so why not just act logically like someone successful would do.
*Note: at the moment, I’m not exactly what you would consider “successful”, so ignore everything I said.  

Taurus: Key words: Teamwork is favored over toiling solo.
H: I’m gonna be honest, if I’m in the mood to jibber the goods I’d rather it be solo. There is no sense to bring in a supporting cast for something that can easily be done by a one-man band. However, if you’re going to include someone, try a dutch rudder. Google it.

Gemini: Career: With Mars’ planetary activity affecting your sign, there’s no time to dwell on any one issue for too long.
H: Seriously, what the fuck, Jen? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5hfYJsQAhl0
Just get over your shit and move on.

Cancer: Love: Be careful trying to change someone; instead, love them for who they are.
H: No. You should definitely try to change people, or at least fuck with them a little bit. Try using behaviorist principles to train a friend or loved one like Pavlov's dog. It will be super rewarding to you, at the other person's expense, of course. If they catch on, just tell them that I told you to do it.

Leo: Money: A connection with someone can result in opportunities. Make sure you know what you want.
H: Most people have no idea what they want, so you're up shit creek on this one. Just because you feel a connection with someone in a business sense does not mean that they feel the same way. Have you seen The Social Network? Your ass is going to get Zuckerberg'd if you're not careful, hombre.

Virgo: Career: Stay focused on the future. What you do from this point on is what can make the difference in your life.
H: This statement is about as bland as a white rice on white bread sammich. I am a Virgo, however, so I'll try to take this one seriously. I think that since it's my birthday month, I'll interpret this accordingly. What she's trying to say is that I need to be on my best behavior for the next two weeks in order to maximize my potential for receiving pitty birthday presents, and I couldn't agree more. This can make or break me getting a couple of "I feel sorry for your lame life, so here's a $2 Coronoa for your birthday," which at this point, is a huge thing for me. In other news, I am pathetic.

Libra: Money: Set goals and go after them with steely determination.
H: You should also listen to a lot of Steely Dan. I don't know any of their music at all, but steely is a completely underutilized word as far as I'm concerned, so give it a go. Perhaps link up with a Taurus and have a steely teamwork toil.

Scorpio: Key words: There is no place for self-doubt in your life.
H: There is always room for self-doubt. Of course it's completely crippling and can make even the most confident boners seems like scared little turtles. You should definitely just compare yourself to someone that you are more successful than and boost that ego fo real.

Sagittarius: Key words: Life is a juggling act.
H: Well said, Jen. There are way too many sexual references to make here, so I'm going to surpass them all and skip to something a bit more PG-13. It's like farting in public. You know you're going to let that little fella free, but doing it at the appropriate time and place is a juggling act. You have to ensure that if it's an audible butt trumpet, you somehow cover up the sound. If it smells like air that just passed by your poo, you need to ensure that nobody in the general area can point to you as the farter. It's a delicate balance, people. Do you do the cough and fart? The walking crop dust? Do you lift a leg, or try to squeeze it out el naturale? No seriously, tell me what I should do, because I somehow always mess this up or I just end up holding it and having diarrhea later. :(

Capricorn: Week ahead: If travel is in your planner, check the details to ensure everything is in place at home.
H: Seriously, there is nothing worse than forgetting to run the dish washer before you head out for the weekend, only to come home to dirty dishes. If you are traveling, though, definitely set your marks high for airport beers and airplane cocktails. Remember: you can never drink enough on a plane. Traveling is miserable, between everything smelling like diapers and constantly being smashed between foreign people or the only obese folks on your flight. Drink up, Duke.

Aquarius: Love: To attract love, show your softer side.
H: This one is tricky. You should only show your hard side when appropriate, but if she thinks that she doesn't turn you on because you can't get a Pedro during your cheap ass Groupon salsa lessons, you could be in trouble. Try an in-between approach and go for a quarter-chub appearance like 90% of the time. You're welcome.

Pisces:  Love: Don’t let emotional baggage get in the way of romance.
H: There is literally nothing worse than emotional baggage. We've all been there. Throw on some Boys II Men, cry it out with a bottle of Pinot, and do some binge eating - you'll feel 10x worse, guaranteed.

This was exhausting, and football is on. I'm going to go be American and sit in front of the TV for the next 9 hours watching people who are actually athletic and overpaid do their jobs. Happy Sunday, dick wrinkles.

Urban Dictionary Word of the Day

For some reason, this one made me smile like Precious when I read it:

Gumby shoulders: The slumping of the shoulders when feeling extremely disappointed and dejected, named after the claymation TV character Gumby.

On a side note, Googling a picture of Gumby led me to find the Gumby haircut, so I think I know what I'm doing the next time I visit Anne Marie at Haute Headz. Bobby Brown, Brandon Jennings, Soulja Boy, and now Hansel. Sorry ladies, I'm spoken for.

January-May 2014: Big Kid Stuff

My friend Tommy summed things up pretty well. OK, I lied. Things aren't THAT bad. However, since Duke kindly updated us on all of the glorious new happenings for him and his wonderful life, I felt that it was necessary to do the same. This way, when you read these sad, pathetic posts about nonsense, you can understand the dark and stormy places that they are coming from.

To be honest, my 2014 got off to a boneriffic start. I left school prior to graduating as I accepted a job with the military that can only be described as titties. I moved from the Dirty South northward to Virginia Beach, got an adorable little house by the beach that was probably on HGTV in 1991, and minus being separated from my lovely girlfriend, life was pretty kewl. It was the first time in my life that I was actually making adult-like money and not working like a slave at shitty work study jobs for enough money to buy dumpy late night pizza and shitty campus coffee. I was able to buy craft beer on a regular basis and could finally put down the Natty Light at Kroger. That was such an eye opening experience. I was doing grown up things like setting up my 401K plan and other really awesome adult stuff that you guys wouldn't understand. I got to travel to the west coast a few times for work, which was also pretty neat, but I'm definitely not sold on it being the "Best Coast" by any means. I wrote my dissertation like a good little boy and graduated in May with yet another worthless degree. Around that same time, lovely girlfriend moved to Virginia Beach with me for the summer, one of my other BFFs also moved to the area, and life was everything but awful. I was removed from the petty drama that was inescapable in college for eleventy years, and I started taking vitamins. Life was pretty damn sweet.

January-May 2014 was a good time. You might even say it was a great time. But then June rolled around, and my life got flipped, turned upside down. So I'd like to take a minute, just sit right there, to tell you how I became a worthless unemployed POS. June 2014-Present: The Unemployment Files coming soon...

Duke, Reporting For Duty, Sir!

Good morning and happy 2014 you racists. As I am casually going about my business this week I receive a couple of emails from a familiar place. I know what these emails are...I know where they're from...I know that I WANT them to be true, but a part of my refuses to get hopes up. It's just like an ex that you love that's broken up with you several times only to come running back. You want it to be true. You want this back in your life. You just don't want to give into these emotions immediately. But, just as you tell yourself "I'm not falling for it this time", you let her back in and I....well I clicked the link in this email. Just like that my emotional wall crumbles and anything left is just a facade. And just like that the Duke is back....right where he wants to be.

Things have changed since previous posts. I have relocated my place of residence by about 600 miles. I have a new job. Time has passed and my age increased by one number. I still, however, get random erections. Some things will never change.

I lay here in bed watching the college football season kickoff next to my girlfriend (yes, that's new too) and realize how absolutely oblivious she is to the fact that I run and write on a blog that a grand total of 7 people have read....most of which from some obscure country bordering Russia ending in "-stan". No idea of the filth that is written and the even filthier sentences that were typed and then deleted as even the Duke and Hansel have filters. The previous portion of this post was my way of saying "We're back"...the following portion is where I return to mid-season form.

Butt play doesn't get talked about enough. As an 18 year old using erections as a compass to the next hole, I would probably have said "dude, that's gay...keep everything out of there" or "people poop from there...shit's gross". And then you grow up and stop saying bigoted things to yourself. Vanilla sex becomes mundane and missionary sucks because now you're old and your hip does that cracky-poppy thingy on every thrust. So you flip her over, hop up to your knees and throw that hot dog down her hallway (more indicative of me, not her). As you grab hip for leverage and do your best to find the ever elusive g-spot you see it. There it is. Right in plain eyesight. The brown eye. And for the first time, you see it not as a no-no but as a new adventure...a challenge, if you will.

So you do it. You lick that thumb and you play with it. You've been pumped full of liquor so the gigantic step you just took seems routine. She might hate it. Think you're a pervert...gross. Might never want to do this ever again. But what you don't understand is vanilla sex is boring to her too. She's also pumped full of liquor. Instead of being grossed out, she embraces and eventually reciprocates. You love it...she loves it and it's fun again. It's in this moment you realize that this same old routine, boring and vanilla sex just became a little more chocolate and fun.

Is butt play gay? Who am I to judge, I'm not god (yet). So what say you blogland...has the Duke turned a questionable corner or has he found the final frontier? And on that note, I conclude this post. I've missed you all and am thrilled to be back. Be good and godspeed.

-DSA

Welcome Back

Chyea. We're back, man. Lots to talk about, but for now, just sit back, relax, and enjoy some Mase, because...it's Mase.

The Social Media Humble Bragging Apocalypse

Time for a cleanse, friends. Take a few minutes and scroll through your twitter or Facebook account homepage. Filter out all of the celebrity garbage, sports news, and other mind-numbing, spank tradition nonsense and focus on only the drabble posted by your college or high school friends and acquaintances. If you happen to come across any posts that read something like, “got all As in my first college summer semester. not bad for not doing any work.” or “this whole no carb diet thing is sooooo hard! but I guess it’s good to have abs again.” or finally, “got so drunk last night – I guess that’s what being VIP at a club is all about!” do yourself a favor and delete or unfollow those dick wrinkles immediately. I don’t care if it’s coming from the hottest chick that you almost finger-banged in college that one time – get that smug little cunt out of your life ASAP Rocky. Honestly, there is nothing worse than hearing someone brag about their incredible mediocrity when you’re having a face-to-face conversation, but things get exponentially worse when it’s posted online for the world (AKA your 67 followers) to see. You may as well throw a “#douchecanoe” onto the end of each of those posts as long as you’re going to brag about going to the gym two days in a row, or running a mile in 9:47. Are you a celebrity? No? Then kindly shut the hell up. Someone get me a scalpel, because I’m going to dissect the three most common types of humble bragging posts in social media.

1) The gym and/or new diet humble brag – arguably the most common of the pretentious brags, these types of posts are pretty standard in girls who are waaaaaay past their high school glory days of cheerleading or dance and they most likely had a recent bang-sesh with a guy who is a personal trainer or works at a gym. They see social media posts that read “strong is the new sexy” and decide that going to the gym a few days a week is going to get rid of that little beer belly flat tire they’ve been lugging around since freshman year. More power to you, but can you do it without a shitty social media post? Come on.

2) The academic (AKA nerd) brag – much less common coming from anyone who is actually having fun in college, but these boners do exist. Where does the sense of entitlement come from to think that people actually care that you nailed your online 100-level course? Really? Give us a fucking break, people. I’m sure your future employers will be deeply impressed with the fact that you got a 3.8 with that incredible 10-credit course load. Are you in medical school? Please, take a seat then. Send your report card to mom and dad if you want someone to be impressed with your astonishing academic achievements. Come on.

3) The party brag – look for these on basically any Friday, Saturday, or Sunday afternoon from those amateur drinkers who can’t hack a hangover and wake up at 1:00PM and tweet about how many beers (AKA Redd’s Apple Ales) they drank the prior evening. Cool, bro. Let’s be honest, you probably drank like four, “went out for a smoke” (AKA booted in an alley) and then “rallied” like a true champ to choke back a few BL smoothies before you got “so blacked out” that you don’t remember anything but eating pizza and making funny comments to the cab driver. Wow. You’re a real fucking inspiration. Come on.

Here are some final thoughts. If you feel the need to brag about anything in life, ask yourself: “Am I Johnny Manziel?” Let’s be real, that will pretty much give you an indication of whether or not your dumpy little tweet is worth posting. Odds are, it isn’t, but if you still feel the need to tell everyone about your ordinariness, just know that it will be the last post I ever read from your account, because you just booked a one-way, non-refundable ticket to unfollow-land. Do you feel cleansed? I sure do.

Don't Call it a Comeback?

I see two new posts in a week? Dare I say that we may be back? Dare I say it?!?!?!?!

The rare triple negative ladies and gentlemen

People are dumb. I'm not racist I just hate humans in general. The following is a quote and a video link from a multi-millionaire in this country.

"I didn't know nothing about no snow."

Marshawn Lynch isn't smart - per say

Xylophone

There are not many things in this world that we can rely on. Death, taxes and masturbation are the only things that we know are in our future. This blog is the one place within the interwebs that I know I can go to and get away from my 2-year old daughter and Siamese hooker girlfriend. I have not been posting as much as I should and for that I apologize. I was sad to see that my pathetic last post was the most recent article available for the millions of loyal fans that this blog has. I ask us all to come back together, reset our batteries and bust a collective nut all over the world wide web. I will have my AOL messenger on all weekend if anyone needs me @kooldude69. Just type in you’re a/s/l and I will ping you back as soon as I can.

Together we will be together! 

I'm back

It Feels Like The First Time......

I remember my first time. After years of working towards a goal of putting part of my body inside another human, I accomplished my goal. There is something to be said for when a man works towards a goal and he accomplishes what he set out to do. Since that day my though process returns to the female vagina once every 7.2 seconds - and that is after I fire one off that morning. If I forgo said morning drainage, that number is cut down to 4.8 seconds.

You guys have become my new vagina lust. Ever since my first post I have been chasing that initial rush. I am not sure if I will ever gain it back but I owe it to the 7 visitors to this blog to try my best.

I guess what I am trying to say is. I missed posting on this blog.

My First Trip to Canada

A buddy from back home and I have birthdays that are a week apart (he is a year younger so I guess technically 358 days apart, sans leap year). In this particular year I was turning 20 and he was turning 19 and we all know 19 is the ripe year to let yourself out in the wild in the homeland of our neighbors to the north. He approaches me at school one day and says he's planning to go to Canada for the weekend, rattles off the name of three of our other friends and says I should come with. Abso-fucking-lutely I'm coming. And here is how, despite my many brown outs, this whole weekend went down:

We were all full of piss and vinegar to get there but realizing that this trip is all boring-ass highway, we were subdued rather quickly.

After a solid 3 hours of driving we finally get to the Rainbow Bridge and our spirits quickly picked back up.

We pull off the main stretch of glowing lights and beautiful babies (Vince Vaughn, Swingers, great movie) and pull into a hotel. Well get out and walk up to it as the guy managing it comes out to approach us at the same time.

We tell him we need a room. He looks at us and says, "5 guys no thanks." We all walk away, and he's all like this.

After learning from our first mistake, we split up and two of us, one being myself, peacock into another hotel and were blessed with a room....


... this my friends, will be continued.

Random Thought...

So, we all know that it is necessary to have an arranged order when dealing with numbers. We need 1 to come before 2 and on down the line. We need 2 to have a higher value than 1 for mathematical purposes. A large portion of our lives are based off of these numerical values, and when you really get down to it, everything we experience is math in some way, shape or form. So arranging numbers is absolutely necessary.

But why did we have to arrange our alphabet? Does Z really need to be the last letter? Is there any purpose behind that? I don't see a value in that and until one of you can explain this to me, I will stop doing my ABCs and start doing my TBFs or my PKHs. Anarchy- DSA

What Hansel Said

I was about to comment on Hansel's last post (scroll down, read it, dick) but I realized that the only thing that is read less than this blog is the comments. So I didn't comment. I posted. He's right though. We started out with such fire and passion and now it's dead much like that of many of my other dreams. I find myself laying in bed, alone, on a Saturday and still I'm undrafted. I had hopes that'd I'd go in a late round this year, but yet another year goes and the only draft I'm apart of is the Smuttynose Summer Ale on special for $3 a pint (btw, maybe this is just a Raleigh thing, but when did we start measuring things in pints? My metric is a bit rusty). Anywho, I will not be the one responsible for this fizzling out. The blood will NOT be on my hands. So what say you bloggers, will you be the change you want to see in this world? I know I will, will you?

-DSA

Your Weekly Horoscope with Hansel

Not many peeps logging blog hours this week. I'll be checking timesheets to make sure that you're not cheating the corporation on hours. Anyways, in the past this is what has happened with the blog. We make it a month or two before people realize that nobody actually reads this stuff and the same silly poop and fart jokes can be shared via text messages, facebook posts, or tweets. Based on this sad truth, this week's horoscopes are not based on Jennifer Angel or the New York Times or anything like that. There is but one horoscope for us all: If you believe in something (such as this blog), and you don't want to see that good thing die (or be deleted from the web), then do something about it (such as tell a friend, write a damn post, etc.). Take a little bit of responsibility if you enjoy this POS and let's make a conscious, team decision to push forward, or let this thing fizzle out like a shitty campfire. Do we need more writers? A suggestion box? I just don't know anymore. At this point, I'm good either way. I've done as much as I could for this little dream, but not all dreams become reality, and though this is reality, it is pathetic. If you want funny comments and quips, just text me. I'm full of stupid statements. If you want it posted for masses to see, then let's get masses to read, huh? Is that so much to ask? The decision is yours, America.

Dead Week

It's been a dead week here on the blog. Just making observations. Here's a cat picture.



I miss you all. -DSA

Zooey Davechappelle

Your Weekly (Video) Horoscope with Hansel

Yes, that's right faithful readers, something a bit different this week. Perhaps because I think it will be entertaining, or perhaps because I have a flight to catch in a few hours and need to finish packing, but I think this should be entertaining regardless. I'm still putting thought into these posts and I may even base them off of Jennie-bears horoscopes so that they are somewhat legit...orrrrrrr I'm just going to post the first thing that comes to mind when I get to each sign. Bear with me. I recommend that you listen to/watch each video in it's entirety in order to feel the full effect of the 'scope. Also, check out all of the videos, not just your own. Don't be selfish. Enjoy.

Aries

Taurus

Gemini

Cancer

Leo

Virgo

Libra

Scorpio

Sagittarius

Capricorn

Aquarius

Pisces

I'm gonna go ahead and claim Sagittarius as the winner. These were based on Jennifer's horoscopes, btw, with the exception of Virgo. It's my birthday month coming up. Deal with it. Sorry Capricorn. Byeeeeee.

And the Responses...

Welp fellas here comes on of those "Little Bit of Everything" posts from The Duke. Before we do that let's take a look at the feedback we've received from this week's endeavors. #nowplaying Shinedown- 45 (acoustic)

First, my attempt to publish 'Dick Knickers' was...well here is the outcome

Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa? How could they not publish this? It's gold. Next time Hansel, next time. #nowplaying Alter Bridge- Shed My Skin

Next up my Craigslist ad for a footjob posted on Sunday and again on Tuesday. Here are screenshots from a few of my favorite answers. I am doing screenshots to 1.) prove legitimacy cuz text is easily tampered with and 2.) Because the links provided are likely viruses. Having majored in Cyber Security, that's kinda a bonehead move. Anywho, here they are. #nowplaying 2pac- How Do You Want It

If I really wanna get hooked or hoked? I hope (s)he is asking if I wanna get hoked. I wanna get hoked.

That's just Conkwright Beneke being Conkwright Beneke. I know these are all scams but I hope to god someone out there is names Conkwright Beneke.

Plain and simple, I'm looking for love in all the wrong places. Nothing screams "searching for love" quite like a footjob ad on the shadiest site ever created. Easy Hangartner, down girl. #nowplaying Barry Manilow- Mandy

So this is the closest one to a real response I got. She is 34, soon 35. That kind of grammar actually makes me think s(he) is the type of person to provide footjobs to strangers. Bear in mind that I did not offer money or anything, I just offered someone the unbridled joy of giving me a footjob. This ad actually provided a phone number to text. Running a quick google search on that phone number gives little to no info outside of the fact that its a NJ area code...once again, leading me to believe that this could be real. Jersey people, what can you do? #nowplaying Guns n Roses- Civil War

For what it's worth you can click on the pictures to enlarge. I wouldn't suggest doing so at your place of employment. Also, I got a response with a picture of some BBW and her bappers. I won't post this here because I don't peddle porn like some sort of barbarian. But anyways, how was your hump day? Full of humping? Mine wasn't so my hump day was very misleading and therefore disappointing. Where's a shoulder to cry on when you need it?

How come 2 chicks make out and are still 'straight' but I get caught jacking off to shemale porn and I'm the gay one? Double standards I tell ya. #nowplaying Dave Grohl ft. Corey Taylor- From Can to Can't

Here is some good/bad news depending on which side of this situation you're on. For me, it's quite satisfying to watch karma catch up to people. The girl that broke up with me back in February for her ex-boyfriend recently had her phone abducted and texts viewed. For those of you paying attention, this is the same girl that admitted to still having strong feelings (drunk me thinks 'in love' may have been dropped but sober me doubts it). Said ex-boyfriend/now current actual boyfriend saw texts from me from "a long time ago". Me thinks he saw some dirt on his chick and is not happy. She has not contacted me since. I'm pretty sure she won't be allowed to do so. I don't care because she wasn't much of a friend to begin with so I'm not losing much, but what goes around comes around. Now to not find pleasure in this so nothing comes around to me. #nowplaying Stone Sour- Zzyzx Rd.

How the fuck am I supposed to cheat on my girlfriend when Facebook is around? Fuck did our parents have the infidelity game easy. Shit wasn't even a challenge. I mean Christ, I'm a certified ninja and can't even get away with it. Also, I don't have a girlfriend, so that presents a different challenge when it comes to cheating. Cheating man...put your chick in her rightful place by cheating on her with someone 3 points less than her. It'll really erode that self esteem that hardly exists to begin with. Chicks that do anal do NOT hold themselves in high regard. I can't figure out why I can't find a girlfriend with that talk.

I'm guessing most of you didn't make it this far so I will wrap this up. I have a girl calling me in 20 minutes to break up (or whatever you call it when you're 'just talking') with me. I can't figure out if I should take the high road and be nice and understanding about it or if I should make this a joke. Chances are I will take the high road because that's who I am. But sometimes, just sometimes, I really want to take the low road just to see how satisfying it can be. But then again, what goes around comes around and I HATE karma. That bitch. #nowplaying Slipknot- Wait and Bleed

Adios amigos. One love- DSA

Tuesday Jam(s)

Well it's Tuesday again and I'm here with another installment of my weekly jam. This is usually just the song I've listened to the most over the past week that is friendly for the whole gang. As we all know, The Duke tends to have a taste for the heavier stuff which can be very niche. Well, this week, you get two suggestions. I call them suggestions 'cuz I doubt any of you listen to these. So here goes:

1.) Well the king of respected white people rapping (all 2 of them) is back with the first single off of his newest album set to drop in November. He has been and always will be my favorite rapper (mostly based off of race and the fact that we were both born in a trailer park) and his fucked up side also appears to be back. Good. For what it's worth the new album is named Marshall Mathers LP 2 which sets the bar since that's the best rap album since...fuck I don't know. I'm not urban enough to give honest insight into that. Anywho, here he is.

2.) This is more geared towards The Duke as he raises his devil horns to the sky, but the album was released today and so was my cold dark heart into the depths of hell. I know you guys don't like it but I do and this is MY post. In whatever case, check this thing out, it's actually more rock than metal. Duke likey

So there you go, a single from my favorite rapper and the album from one of my favorite modern rock/metal bands both released on the same day. Walk a mile in my musical shoes. Love you. Seacrest, out! -DSA

Don't Judge a Book by It's Cover, Jerks

Holy smokes was I wrong about this "awkward grownup party" that I referenced in my Friday post. It was pretty wild in a very strange and unique way. I'd put some money on the fact that you've never attended party that included the following characteristics and attendees. But first, let me set the stage and refresh your mems on some of the deets of this shindig. Fall semester started yesterday, so the end of last week was orientation week for new students, both undergraduate and graduate. The nerderiffic program that I am in always does some sort of dinner/barbeque/hangout thing preceded by a trip to local bars as an opportunity for "old" and "new" students to meet, mingle, and get comfortable with their surroundings. Since my roommates and I moved into a titties new house recently with plenty of space, we suggested that this little party be thrown at our crib. I wasn't quite sure how many people (or who specifically) would show up and who wouldn't, who would drink and who wouldn't, and who would choose to engage into rage mode once it entered the witching hour. Here is what ensued. 

Who showed up? Plenty of people. I'd guess 35-40 in total, both young and old - literally. There was a baby present for a while, that little nugget clocked in at the youngest. The oldest was probably mid- to late-thirties, so we were really across the board as far as the type of person that in my house for this get-together. Oh, and how could I have forgotten - there was an Olympian there, of course. Not really sure how that one worked out, but he was in attendance nonetheless.

Was it awkward? Not really. Sure there is some general apprehension and awkward-turtlesque stuff bound to happen in a room full of strangers, but more the most part, everyone that came drank and those who didn't seemed to be the type of people who are used to being the non-drinkers in a crowd full of boozers. Everyone was kind enough to bring some type of food or beverage, and not even the baby minded that there were people taking shots on one side of his baby-carrying device and beer pong on the other side. Things got weird. There was even a discussion on dick knickers.

What happened next? Well, things begin to get a bit hazy for Mr. Hansel at this point. We all made our way to the bar in small groups, and it pretty much just turned into a standard hammed-up night of more drinking, dancing, and conversing. The moral of this post is to not judge a book by its cover. What I expected to be a judgement fest at the sheer speed and amount of Busch Lights that I was consuming ended up being a killer time. Everyone was on the same page and wanted to let loose and enjoy a night out. This pleased me. 

How was your hangover, Hansel? Pretty fucking terrible, of course. I spent most of the day sitting at my kitchen table in a house full of filth discussing the night's events with my inner circle of homies. I capped the day off by gorging in Chinese food. Cowabunga.