The Social Media Humble Bragging Apocalypse

Time for a cleanse, friends. Take a few minutes and scroll through your twitter or Facebook account homepage. Filter out all of the celebrity garbage, sports news, and other mind-numbing, spank tradition nonsense and focus on only the drabble posted by your college or high school friends and acquaintances. If you happen to come across any posts that read something like, “got all As in my first college summer semester. not bad for not doing any work.” or “this whole no carb diet thing is sooooo hard! but I guess it’s good to have abs again.” or finally, “got so drunk last night – I guess that’s what being VIP at a club is all about!” do yourself a favor and delete or unfollow those dick wrinkles immediately. I don’t care if it’s coming from the hottest chick that you almost finger-banged in college that one time – get that smug little cunt out of your life ASAP Rocky. Honestly, there is nothing worse than hearing someone brag about their incredible mediocrity when you’re having a face-to-face conversation, but things get exponentially worse when it’s posted online for the world (AKA your 67 followers) to see. You may as well throw a “#douchecanoe” onto the end of each of those posts as long as you’re going to brag about going to the gym two days in a row, or running a mile in 9:47. Are you a celebrity? No? Then kindly shut the hell up. Someone get me a scalpel, because I’m going to dissect the three most common types of humble bragging posts in social media.

1) The gym and/or new diet humble brag – arguably the most common of the pretentious brags, these types of posts are pretty standard in girls who are waaaaaay past their high school glory days of cheerleading or dance and they most likely had a recent bang-sesh with a guy who is a personal trainer or works at a gym. They see social media posts that read “strong is the new sexy” and decide that going to the gym a few days a week is going to get rid of that little beer belly flat tire they’ve been lugging around since freshman year. More power to you, but can you do it without a shitty social media post? Come on.

2) The academic (AKA nerd) brag – much less common coming from anyone who is actually having fun in college, but these boners do exist. Where does the sense of entitlement come from to think that people actually care that you nailed your online 100-level course? Really? Give us a fucking break, people. I’m sure your future employers will be deeply impressed with the fact that you got a 3.8 with that incredible 10-credit course load. Are you in medical school? Please, take a seat then. Send your report card to mom and dad if you want someone to be impressed with your astonishing academic achievements. Come on.

3) The party brag – look for these on basically any Friday, Saturday, or Sunday afternoon from those amateur drinkers who can’t hack a hangover and wake up at 1:00PM and tweet about how many beers (AKA Redd’s Apple Ales) they drank the prior evening. Cool, bro. Let’s be honest, you probably drank like four, “went out for a smoke” (AKA booted in an alley) and then “rallied” like a true champ to choke back a few BL smoothies before you got “so blacked out” that you don’t remember anything but eating pizza and making funny comments to the cab driver. Wow. You’re a real fucking inspiration. Come on.

Here are some final thoughts. If you feel the need to brag about anything in life, ask yourself: “Am I Johnny Manziel?” Let’s be real, that will pretty much give you an indication of whether or not your dumpy little tweet is worth posting. Odds are, it isn’t, but if you still feel the need to tell everyone about your ordinariness, just know that it will be the last post I ever read from your account, because you just booked a one-way, non-refundable ticket to unfollow-land. Do you feel cleansed? I sure do.