Zooey Davechappelle

Your Weekly (Video) Horoscope with Hansel

Yes, that's right faithful readers, something a bit different this week. Perhaps because I think it will be entertaining, or perhaps because I have a flight to catch in a few hours and need to finish packing, but I think this should be entertaining regardless. I'm still putting thought into these posts and I may even base them off of Jennie-bears horoscopes so that they are somewhat legit...orrrrrrr I'm just going to post the first thing that comes to mind when I get to each sign. Bear with me. I recommend that you listen to/watch each video in it's entirety in order to feel the full effect of the 'scope. Also, check out all of the videos, not just your own. Don't be selfish. Enjoy.

Aries

Taurus

Gemini

Cancer

Leo

Virgo

Libra

Scorpio

Sagittarius

Capricorn

Aquarius

Pisces

I'm gonna go ahead and claim Sagittarius as the winner. These were based on Jennifer's horoscopes, btw, with the exception of Virgo. It's my birthday month coming up. Deal with it. Sorry Capricorn. Byeeeeee.

And the Responses...

Welp fellas here comes on of those "Little Bit of Everything" posts from The Duke. Before we do that let's take a look at the feedback we've received from this week's endeavors. #nowplaying Shinedown- 45 (acoustic)

First, my attempt to publish 'Dick Knickers' was...well here is the outcome

Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa? How could they not publish this? It's gold. Next time Hansel, next time. #nowplaying Alter Bridge- Shed My Skin

Next up my Craigslist ad for a footjob posted on Sunday and again on Tuesday. Here are screenshots from a few of my favorite answers. I am doing screenshots to 1.) prove legitimacy cuz text is easily tampered with and 2.) Because the links provided are likely viruses. Having majored in Cyber Security, that's kinda a bonehead move. Anywho, here they are. #nowplaying 2pac- How Do You Want It

If I really wanna get hooked or hoked? I hope (s)he is asking if I wanna get hoked. I wanna get hoked.

That's just Conkwright Beneke being Conkwright Beneke. I know these are all scams but I hope to god someone out there is names Conkwright Beneke.

Plain and simple, I'm looking for love in all the wrong places. Nothing screams "searching for love" quite like a footjob ad on the shadiest site ever created. Easy Hangartner, down girl. #nowplaying Barry Manilow- Mandy

So this is the closest one to a real response I got. She is 34, soon 35. That kind of grammar actually makes me think s(he) is the type of person to provide footjobs to strangers. Bear in mind that I did not offer money or anything, I just offered someone the unbridled joy of giving me a footjob. This ad actually provided a phone number to text. Running a quick google search on that phone number gives little to no info outside of the fact that its a NJ area code...once again, leading me to believe that this could be real. Jersey people, what can you do? #nowplaying Guns n Roses- Civil War

For what it's worth you can click on the pictures to enlarge. I wouldn't suggest doing so at your place of employment. Also, I got a response with a picture of some BBW and her bappers. I won't post this here because I don't peddle porn like some sort of barbarian. But anyways, how was your hump day? Full of humping? Mine wasn't so my hump day was very misleading and therefore disappointing. Where's a shoulder to cry on when you need it?

How come 2 chicks make out and are still 'straight' but I get caught jacking off to shemale porn and I'm the gay one? Double standards I tell ya. #nowplaying Dave Grohl ft. Corey Taylor- From Can to Can't

Here is some good/bad news depending on which side of this situation you're on. For me, it's quite satisfying to watch karma catch up to people. The girl that broke up with me back in February for her ex-boyfriend recently had her phone abducted and texts viewed. For those of you paying attention, this is the same girl that admitted to still having strong feelings (drunk me thinks 'in love' may have been dropped but sober me doubts it). Said ex-boyfriend/now current actual boyfriend saw texts from me from "a long time ago". Me thinks he saw some dirt on his chick and is not happy. She has not contacted me since. I'm pretty sure she won't be allowed to do so. I don't care because she wasn't much of a friend to begin with so I'm not losing much, but what goes around comes around. Now to not find pleasure in this so nothing comes around to me. #nowplaying Stone Sour- Zzyzx Rd.

How the fuck am I supposed to cheat on my girlfriend when Facebook is around? Fuck did our parents have the infidelity game easy. Shit wasn't even a challenge. I mean Christ, I'm a certified ninja and can't even get away with it. Also, I don't have a girlfriend, so that presents a different challenge when it comes to cheating. Cheating man...put your chick in her rightful place by cheating on her with someone 3 points less than her. It'll really erode that self esteem that hardly exists to begin with. Chicks that do anal do NOT hold themselves in high regard. I can't figure out why I can't find a girlfriend with that talk.

I'm guessing most of you didn't make it this far so I will wrap this up. I have a girl calling me in 20 minutes to break up (or whatever you call it when you're 'just talking') with me. I can't figure out if I should take the high road and be nice and understanding about it or if I should make this a joke. Chances are I will take the high road because that's who I am. But sometimes, just sometimes, I really want to take the low road just to see how satisfying it can be. But then again, what goes around comes around and I HATE karma. That bitch. #nowplaying Slipknot- Wait and Bleed

Adios amigos. One love- DSA

Tuesday Jam(s)

Well it's Tuesday again and I'm here with another installment of my weekly jam. This is usually just the song I've listened to the most over the past week that is friendly for the whole gang. As we all know, The Duke tends to have a taste for the heavier stuff which can be very niche. Well, this week, you get two suggestions. I call them suggestions 'cuz I doubt any of you listen to these. So here goes:

1.) Well the king of respected white people rapping (all 2 of them) is back with the first single off of his newest album set to drop in November. He has been and always will be my favorite rapper (mostly based off of race and the fact that we were both born in a trailer park) and his fucked up side also appears to be back. Good. For what it's worth the new album is named Marshall Mathers LP 2 which sets the bar since that's the best rap album since...fuck I don't know. I'm not urban enough to give honest insight into that. Anywho, here he is.

2.) This is more geared towards The Duke as he raises his devil horns to the sky, but the album was released today and so was my cold dark heart into the depths of hell. I know you guys don't like it but I do and this is MY post. In whatever case, check this thing out, it's actually more rock than metal. Duke likey

So there you go, a single from my favorite rapper and the album from one of my favorite modern rock/metal bands both released on the same day. Walk a mile in my musical shoes. Love you. Seacrest, out! -DSA

Don't Judge a Book by It's Cover, Jerks

Holy smokes was I wrong about this "awkward grownup party" that I referenced in my Friday post. It was pretty wild in a very strange and unique way. I'd put some money on the fact that you've never attended party that included the following characteristics and attendees. But first, let me set the stage and refresh your mems on some of the deets of this shindig. Fall semester started yesterday, so the end of last week was orientation week for new students, both undergraduate and graduate. The nerderiffic program that I am in always does some sort of dinner/barbeque/hangout thing preceded by a trip to local bars as an opportunity for "old" and "new" students to meet, mingle, and get comfortable with their surroundings. Since my roommates and I moved into a titties new house recently with plenty of space, we suggested that this little party be thrown at our crib. I wasn't quite sure how many people (or who specifically) would show up and who wouldn't, who would drink and who wouldn't, and who would choose to engage into rage mode once it entered the witching hour. Here is what ensued. 

Who showed up? Plenty of people. I'd guess 35-40 in total, both young and old - literally. There was a baby present for a while, that little nugget clocked in at the youngest. The oldest was probably mid- to late-thirties, so we were really across the board as far as the type of person that in my house for this get-together. Oh, and how could I have forgotten - there was an Olympian there, of course. Not really sure how that one worked out, but he was in attendance nonetheless.

Was it awkward? Not really. Sure there is some general apprehension and awkward-turtlesque stuff bound to happen in a room full of strangers, but more the most part, everyone that came drank and those who didn't seemed to be the type of people who are used to being the non-drinkers in a crowd full of boozers. Everyone was kind enough to bring some type of food or beverage, and not even the baby minded that there were people taking shots on one side of his baby-carrying device and beer pong on the other side. Things got weird. There was even a discussion on dick knickers.

What happened next? Well, things begin to get a bit hazy for Mr. Hansel at this point. We all made our way to the bar in small groups, and it pretty much just turned into a standard hammed-up night of more drinking, dancing, and conversing. The moral of this post is to not judge a book by its cover. What I expected to be a judgement fest at the sheer speed and amount of Busch Lights that I was consuming ended up being a killer time. Everyone was on the same page and wanted to let loose and enjoy a night out. This pleased me. 

How was your hangover, Hansel? Pretty fucking terrible, of course. I spent most of the day sitting at my kitchen table in a house full of filth discussing the night's events with my inner circle of homies. I capped the day off by gorging in Chinese food. Cowabunga.

Sunday Craigslist

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UDWOTD- Dick Knickers

I don't mean to push Hansel's beautiful work further down the page, but I wanted to give proof that this is submitted to UD for approval. What happens to it next is God's work, but since it doesn't have it's own page, yet, all I can do is offer this screenshot.

Yea, sometimes you gotta quit bein' such a fag and take action. Your move UD.

Also, next time you post, just take a look at the available Labels. It's gold. My favorite 3 word span is "hogan, horoscope, jerkoff". -DSA