Tuesday Bluesday

Hey All. It's been a few days for the big guy. After returning to the homeland for the better part of 5 days, I return to my current state of residence about 8 pounds heavier and with a few thousand less brain cells. When I wasn't being the world's greatest uncle, I was being the world's greatest drunk. I usually combine the two and call myself the world's greatest drunkle, but the novelty has since worn off on that and I realize that it wasn't that funny of a joke to begin with. My worst joke is still better than most's best joke so go fuck yourself imaginary judgmental man that reads this blog.

I usually keep my Tuesday posts short and sweet and just provide a YouTube video of some classic song to cheer you up and remind you that sometimes 5 grown men in spandex and makeup is acceptable and completely hetero, but since it's been a few days, I just wanted to touch base and let you know that I'm here and I'm queer. Not really, but kind of.

I'd like to give to digital round of applause to the two of you still posting. Hansel and Charlie, you two keep me young. Your posts actually had me laughing at work today like an idiot. Since I am an idiot, it turned out to be quite fitting. Well done gents. Tom Ace, wheredafuckyoubeen? I wanted you all to know that I have been thinking of ways to expand this blog and it's readers. I don't have any ideas but wanted you to know that I was thinking about it. I will keep you posted. *bated breath waits*

OK, so onto today's song. I usually try to keep it at a nice classic number or something that's easy to listen to regardless of tastes. My Queen post was evidence of this. Tenacious D was for humor and Dire Straits cuz that song is just so damn catchy. Well today, The Duke is going to be a little more selfish. Tomorrow is my 26th annual birthday (that's right, it's an annual event). With that said, here comes a song from my favorite band that has a little sex, drugs and some good old fashioned rock n' roll. And yes, that is actually a girl getting the brakes beat off in the middle interlude. Oh to be a rock star...the life you live. Without further ado.

And that, my friends, is how you play the fucking guitar. The Duke; over and out. -DSA

It's hot as hell.

This little gem comes courtesy of one of our (2 or 3) faithful readers. In order to protect her identity, I will not mention her name, however, I do wish that she continues to lasso life like a champ. "See you around."

It's hot as hell, y'all, and this is another internet sensation of a human that gets it.  Have a looksie.

I agree with Lafonda. I hope you're staying cool, friends.

This guy gets it.

I stumbled across this today on Facebook. Click on the link below and scroll down to the first one-star review entitled "Just don't. Unless it's a gift for someone you hate." This guy guy gets it. His words create an eloquent story of anger and diarrhea. Love it. We need to find this dude to be our featured blogger, because he is way better than us.

Haribo Gummy Bears Review

Happy Hungover Saturday, friends.

Simple Thoughts

There is a saying by Mark Twain that goes something like, "The world owes you nothing. It was here first." As long as the world is going to be a one-upper I'm not going to give it anything, either. If the world did owe me something though, I think it would be a hand massage. If I owed the world anything (which I would of course pay, because as we all know, a Hansel always pays his debts), I think it would be an apology. Not an apology for anything in particular, just a simple "I'm sorry" or "My b". Sometimes you just need to clear your conscience, I guess.

10 Movie Cameos

I've shared this with The Duke already via email; listed below, in no particular order are some of my favorite movie cameos (feel free to add):

 

1.) Seann William Scott - Old School - Character name: Peppers

The mullet, the denim cut off top, and an overbearing excitement on the possibility to use an extremely powerful tranq gun.

 

 

2.) Harland Williams - Dumb & Dumber - Character name: State Trooper

He's just trying to keep the streets clean and safe. His only mistake made is that he stumbled upon pulling over the wrong 1985 Sheep Dog at the wrong time.

 

 

3.) Will Ferrell - Wedding Crashers - Character name: Chazz Reinhold

The first sentence he speaks in this movie is, "what the fuck do you want?" while adorned with a kimono and nunchucks that he almost used on Owen Wilson is an instant classic. Also, the fact that, according to IMDB, his character is uncredited makes it even better because this cameo was a complete and pleasant surprise to all who watched the movie. Unless you don't like Will Ferrell in which case I would refer to you as a commie. Simple.

 

 

4.) Bill Murray - Zombieland - Character name: Himself

He was never good with practical jokes.

 

 

5.) Lance Armstrong - Dodgeball - Character name: Himself

Yeah he lied about doping and we've heard he may or may not be an incredible douche, but his condescending speech to Vince Vaughn was awesome:  “Once I was thinkin’ about quitting, when I was diagnosed with brain, lung and testicular cancer – all at the same time. But with the love and support of my friends and family I got back on the bike and won the Tour de France five times in a row. But I’m sure you have a good reason to quit. So what are you dying of?”

 

 

6.) Alice Cooper - Wayne's World - Character name: Himself

He's a Rock God. His mere presence and demeanor bring both Wayne and Garth to their knees declaring they're "not worthy." In reality, who is?

 

 

7.) Cam Neely - Dumb & Dumber - Character name: Sea Bass

He just has horrible luck in dealing with Lloyd and Harry. Somehow these 2 always end up with the upperhand and what Sea Bass boasts in brawn, he apparently lacks in brain. Seemingly less than Dunn and Christmas.

 

 

8.) Bob Barker - Happy Gilmore - Character name: Himself

Bob shows he can stick and move and it's the absolute best when he starts heckling Happy Gilmore about how bad his golf game is causing a kerfuffle to ensue.

 

 

9.) Kevin Hart - The 40-Year Old Virgin - Character name - Smart Tech Customer

This, in my opinion, is one of the best random scenes in a movie. His energy and their volatility towards each other is absolutely awesome. I laughed non-stop during this entire scene.

 

 

10.) Dan Marino - Ace Ventura: Pet Detective - Character name: Himself

You're a Dolphins fan. A fan of this movie and this is one of the better cameos of an athlete in any movie. He has some good banter with Ace that is of solid quality.

 

10.)

Your Weekly Horoscope with Hansel

Whuttup blog world. Hansel has had an especially shit-filled week, so excuse me if these are a bit harsher and dark than normal. I blame it on the fact that my chi is fucked and the world is temporarily against me. However, things are darkest before dawn, so I'm sure there will soon be some sunlight on the horizon. Either that or this hurricane of awful luck will continue and I'll fall into a deep depression. To be continued. Anyways, here goes.

Aries: Keep your friends close and your enemies closer. Keep your frienemies somewhere in between. Lucky numbers: 8, 18, 28

Taurus: Try smiling more and see what happens. If you get smiles in return, congratulations. If you get stares and/or vomiting, you likely need to see a dentist because you have a snaggle tooth. Lucky numbers: 26, 41, ninety-four

Gemini:  Your next visit to a Chinese restaurant will provide you with the meaning of life. Pass on the first fortune cookie, but take the second. Lucky numbers: you tell me, you know the meaning of life.

Cancer:  People are going to start calling you a serial killer if you keep killin it like you have been. Try playing second fiddle to another to boost his/her morale. (Only relevant if you're in a band with fiddles). Lucky numbers: 2

Leo: Your talents will take you to unexpected places...in bed. Put that giant tongue and those man-hands to good use. Lucky numbers: uno, 27, 65

Virgo:  Once it stops raining diarrhea on your parade and eases to a spray-fart, you will be able to think more clearly. Hang tight and weather the storm. Lucky numbers: $450 for a new car starter
**Hint: Hansel is a virgo.**

Libra: Keep hangin' and bangin' like a G and watch good fortunes come your way. Try adding smoothies to your diet, though, because they're fab. Lucky numbers: 13, eighteen, III

Scorpio:  You've been acting very Riley Cooper-esque lately, and maybe you should take some racial sensitivity classes, bigot. Lucky numbers: 1582, 1757

Sagittarius: Try some masturbation to ease the tension that has recently crept into your life. It should also take care of that epic morning wood you've been sporting and the occasional wet dream. Lucky numbers: 7, 23, 28

Capricorn: Give a man a fish and he will eat for a night. Teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime. If you are a fish, ignore this horoscope because it will probably hurt your feelings. Lucky numbers: 22, 49

Aquarius: You know that alcoholic beverage that you never touch? You know, the one that when someone offers you always reply, "I don't do wine (or beer, liquor)" Give it another try. It's not so bad and you're just being a pussy. Lucky numbers: 12oz, 1.75L

Pisces: At this point I'm usually running out of material, which is why Pisces are the shit stain of the whole horoscope thing. However, I've been particularly negative with you and unrightfully so. Your fortunes are changing, even if your sexual promiscuity is not. Keep it in the pants and try taking a road trip or something. Just stay away from me. Maybe try trading up a few spots to get a more favorable draw next week. Lucky numbers: n/a, don't push your luck.

See you next week, campers.

Flights and Randoms

Happy August! Let's kick this shit off:

As you all know, The Duke is close, but he is not perfect. As a young man living far away from home, having a relatively successful career and just being adventurous, the need for flying is a very real one. The Duke, however, is terrified of those iron eagles. Today, he must hop aboard one and go home. Cue the Ozzy Osbourne. Rest assured that I will be pump full of Bud Light, Jager and Xanax. I'm hoping by the time I sit down on that plane that there will be zero fucks given regarding life and death thus releasing all fears. This is the hope and is completely obtainable. It's a short flight but you gotta do what you gotta do.

Random Thought: I need a haircut today so I am going to get a haircut today. Coincidentally, Sports Clips sent me a free haircut coupon this morning. A sign from the Gods? Likely. I am getting a haircut today.

Random Complaint: This is aimed at the social medialites that plague my newsfeeds and timelines with your mindless drivel. You do NOT have insomnia, you just had a bad night of sleep. You do NOT have ADD, you're just distracted. You do NOT have OCD, you're just particular. You do NOT have a migraine, your head just hurts and you're a pussy. Everything has to be a fucking disease to you people. It's all apart of being a goddamn human being. Fuck you and your narcissistic being. I hate you and everything you stand for. Go watch the Kardashians and fly a fucking kite.

Random Observation: Everyone around me is buying a house, getting married, having kids etc... and I am just sitting here masturbating. I'll get it together. Next year.

Random Pun: My hamster died last night. Yea, he fell asleep at the wheel

-DSA