Your Weekly Horoscope with Hansel

Back by popular demand (you greedy little wieners), it's your weekly horoscope with Dr. Hansel. Here's how it's going to work, at least for this week. I'm going to rely on snippets from my boo, Jennifer Angel with the NY Daily News, for my content, and I'll add my little Hanselpants spice to her bland recipes. Let us not forget that she likely knows what she's doing, as far as anyone can know what they're doing when they're practicing something completely fake and stupid, so take my words with a grain of salt, but also do exactly what I say. Or else. Here goes.

Aries: Week ahead: Your intuition is heightened; pay attention to what it tells you.
H: Look, the only intuition I have is that which tells me when I need to take a poo. If you’re not a Neanderthal like me, you still probably have as much intuition as a cup of shitty coffee. There is no Jiminy Cricket to tell you what to do, so why not just act logically like someone successful would do.
*Note: at the moment, I’m not exactly what you would consider “successful”, so ignore everything I said.  

Taurus: Key words: Teamwork is favored over toiling solo.
H: I’m gonna be honest, if I’m in the mood to jibber the goods I’d rather it be solo. There is no sense to bring in a supporting cast for something that can easily be done by a one-man band. However, if you’re going to include someone, try a dutch rudder. Google it.

Gemini: Career: With Mars’ planetary activity affecting your sign, there’s no time to dwell on any one issue for too long.
H: Seriously, what the fuck, Jen? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5hfYJsQAhl0
Just get over your shit and move on.

Cancer: Love: Be careful trying to change someone; instead, love them for who they are.
H: No. You should definitely try to change people, or at least fuck with them a little bit. Try using behaviorist principles to train a friend or loved one like Pavlov's dog. It will be super rewarding to you, at the other person's expense, of course. If they catch on, just tell them that I told you to do it.

Leo: Money: A connection with someone can result in opportunities. Make sure you know what you want.
H: Most people have no idea what they want, so you're up shit creek on this one. Just because you feel a connection with someone in a business sense does not mean that they feel the same way. Have you seen The Social Network? Your ass is going to get Zuckerberg'd if you're not careful, hombre.

Virgo: Career: Stay focused on the future. What you do from this point on is what can make the difference in your life.
H: This statement is about as bland as a white rice on white bread sammich. I am a Virgo, however, so I'll try to take this one seriously. I think that since it's my birthday month, I'll interpret this accordingly. What she's trying to say is that I need to be on my best behavior for the next two weeks in order to maximize my potential for receiving pitty birthday presents, and I couldn't agree more. This can make or break me getting a couple of "I feel sorry for your lame life, so here's a $2 Coronoa for your birthday," which at this point, is a huge thing for me. In other news, I am pathetic.

Libra: Money: Set goals and go after them with steely determination.
H: You should also listen to a lot of Steely Dan. I don't know any of their music at all, but steely is a completely underutilized word as far as I'm concerned, so give it a go. Perhaps link up with a Taurus and have a steely teamwork toil.

Scorpio: Key words: There is no place for self-doubt in your life.
H: There is always room for self-doubt. Of course it's completely crippling and can make even the most confident boners seems like scared little turtles. You should definitely just compare yourself to someone that you are more successful than and boost that ego fo real.

Sagittarius: Key words: Life is a juggling act.
H: Well said, Jen. There are way too many sexual references to make here, so I'm going to surpass them all and skip to something a bit more PG-13. It's like farting in public. You know you're going to let that little fella free, but doing it at the appropriate time and place is a juggling act. You have to ensure that if it's an audible butt trumpet, you somehow cover up the sound. If it smells like air that just passed by your poo, you need to ensure that nobody in the general area can point to you as the farter. It's a delicate balance, people. Do you do the cough and fart? The walking crop dust? Do you lift a leg, or try to squeeze it out el naturale? No seriously, tell me what I should do, because I somehow always mess this up or I just end up holding it and having diarrhea later. :(

Capricorn: Week ahead: If travel is in your planner, check the details to ensure everything is in place at home.
H: Seriously, there is nothing worse than forgetting to run the dish washer before you head out for the weekend, only to come home to dirty dishes. If you are traveling, though, definitely set your marks high for airport beers and airplane cocktails. Remember: you can never drink enough on a plane. Traveling is miserable, between everything smelling like diapers and constantly being smashed between foreign people or the only obese folks on your flight. Drink up, Duke.

Aquarius: Love: To attract love, show your softer side.
H: This one is tricky. You should only show your hard side when appropriate, but if she thinks that she doesn't turn you on because you can't get a Pedro during your cheap ass Groupon salsa lessons, you could be in trouble. Try an in-between approach and go for a quarter-chub appearance like 90% of the time. You're welcome.

Pisces:  Love: Don’t let emotional baggage get in the way of romance.
H: There is literally nothing worse than emotional baggage. We've all been there. Throw on some Boys II Men, cry it out with a bottle of Pinot, and do some binge eating - you'll feel 10x worse, guaranteed.

This was exhausting, and football is on. I'm going to go be American and sit in front of the TV for the next 9 hours watching people who are actually athletic and overpaid do their jobs. Happy Sunday, dick wrinkles.

Urban Dictionary Word of the Day

For some reason, this one made me smile like Precious when I read it:

Gumby shoulders: The slumping of the shoulders when feeling extremely disappointed and dejected, named after the claymation TV character Gumby.

On a side note, Googling a picture of Gumby led me to find the Gumby haircut, so I think I know what I'm doing the next time I visit Anne Marie at Haute Headz. Bobby Brown, Brandon Jennings, Soulja Boy, and now Hansel. Sorry ladies, I'm spoken for.

January-May 2014: Big Kid Stuff

My friend Tommy summed things up pretty well. OK, I lied. Things aren't THAT bad. However, since Duke kindly updated us on all of the glorious new happenings for him and his wonderful life, I felt that it was necessary to do the same. This way, when you read these sad, pathetic posts about nonsense, you can understand the dark and stormy places that they are coming from.

To be honest, my 2014 got off to a boneriffic start. I left school prior to graduating as I accepted a job with the military that can only be described as titties. I moved from the Dirty South northward to Virginia Beach, got an adorable little house by the beach that was probably on HGTV in 1991, and minus being separated from my lovely girlfriend, life was pretty kewl. It was the first time in my life that I was actually making adult-like money and not working like a slave at shitty work study jobs for enough money to buy dumpy late night pizza and shitty campus coffee. I was able to buy craft beer on a regular basis and could finally put down the Natty Light at Kroger. That was such an eye opening experience. I was doing grown up things like setting up my 401K plan and other really awesome adult stuff that you guys wouldn't understand. I got to travel to the west coast a few times for work, which was also pretty neat, but I'm definitely not sold on it being the "Best Coast" by any means. I wrote my dissertation like a good little boy and graduated in May with yet another worthless degree. Around that same time, lovely girlfriend moved to Virginia Beach with me for the summer, one of my other BFFs also moved to the area, and life was everything but awful. I was removed from the petty drama that was inescapable in college for eleventy years, and I started taking vitamins. Life was pretty damn sweet.

January-May 2014 was a good time. You might even say it was a great time. But then June rolled around, and my life got flipped, turned upside down. So I'd like to take a minute, just sit right there, to tell you how I became a worthless unemployed POS. June 2014-Present: The Unemployment Files coming soon...

Duke, Reporting For Duty, Sir!

Good morning and happy 2014 you racists. As I am casually going about my business this week I receive a couple of emails from a familiar place. I know what these emails are...I know where they're from...I know that I WANT them to be true, but a part of my refuses to get hopes up. It's just like an ex that you love that's broken up with you several times only to come running back. You want it to be true. You want this back in your life. You just don't want to give into these emotions immediately. But, just as you tell yourself "I'm not falling for it this time", you let her back in and I....well I clicked the link in this email. Just like that my emotional wall crumbles and anything left is just a facade. And just like that the Duke is back....right where he wants to be.

Things have changed since previous posts. I have relocated my place of residence by about 600 miles. I have a new job. Time has passed and my age increased by one number. I still, however, get random erections. Some things will never change.

I lay here in bed watching the college football season kickoff next to my girlfriend (yes, that's new too) and realize how absolutely oblivious she is to the fact that I run and write on a blog that a grand total of 7 people have read....most of which from some obscure country bordering Russia ending in "-stan". No idea of the filth that is written and the even filthier sentences that were typed and then deleted as even the Duke and Hansel have filters. The previous portion of this post was my way of saying "We're back"...the following portion is where I return to mid-season form.

Butt play doesn't get talked about enough. As an 18 year old using erections as a compass to the next hole, I would probably have said "dude, that's gay...keep everything out of there" or "people poop from there...shit's gross". And then you grow up and stop saying bigoted things to yourself. Vanilla sex becomes mundane and missionary sucks because now you're old and your hip does that cracky-poppy thingy on every thrust. So you flip her over, hop up to your knees and throw that hot dog down her hallway (more indicative of me, not her). As you grab hip for leverage and do your best to find the ever elusive g-spot you see it. There it is. Right in plain eyesight. The brown eye. And for the first time, you see it not as a no-no but as a new adventure...a challenge, if you will.

So you do it. You lick that thumb and you play with it. You've been pumped full of liquor so the gigantic step you just took seems routine. She might hate it. Think you're a pervert...gross. Might never want to do this ever again. But what you don't understand is vanilla sex is boring to her too. She's also pumped full of liquor. Instead of being grossed out, she embraces and eventually reciprocates. You love it...she loves it and it's fun again. It's in this moment you realize that this same old routine, boring and vanilla sex just became a little more chocolate and fun.

Is butt play gay? Who am I to judge, I'm not god (yet). So what say you blogland...has the Duke turned a questionable corner or has he found the final frontier? And on that note, I conclude this post. I've missed you all and am thrilled to be back. Be good and godspeed.

-DSA

Welcome Back

Chyea. We're back, man. Lots to talk about, but for now, just sit back, relax, and enjoy some Mase, because...it's Mase.

The Social Media Humble Bragging Apocalypse

Time for a cleanse, friends. Take a few minutes and scroll through your twitter or Facebook account homepage. Filter out all of the celebrity garbage, sports news, and other mind-numbing, spank tradition nonsense and focus on only the drabble posted by your college or high school friends and acquaintances. If you happen to come across any posts that read something like, “got all As in my first college summer semester. not bad for not doing any work.” or “this whole no carb diet thing is sooooo hard! but I guess it’s good to have abs again.” or finally, “got so drunk last night – I guess that’s what being VIP at a club is all about!” do yourself a favor and delete or unfollow those dick wrinkles immediately. I don’t care if it’s coming from the hottest chick that you almost finger-banged in college that one time – get that smug little cunt out of your life ASAP Rocky. Honestly, there is nothing worse than hearing someone brag about their incredible mediocrity when you’re having a face-to-face conversation, but things get exponentially worse when it’s posted online for the world (AKA your 67 followers) to see. You may as well throw a “#douchecanoe” onto the end of each of those posts as long as you’re going to brag about going to the gym two days in a row, or running a mile in 9:47. Are you a celebrity? No? Then kindly shut the hell up. Someone get me a scalpel, because I’m going to dissect the three most common types of humble bragging posts in social media.

1) The gym and/or new diet humble brag – arguably the most common of the pretentious brags, these types of posts are pretty standard in girls who are waaaaaay past their high school glory days of cheerleading or dance and they most likely had a recent bang-sesh with a guy who is a personal trainer or works at a gym. They see social media posts that read “strong is the new sexy” and decide that going to the gym a few days a week is going to get rid of that little beer belly flat tire they’ve been lugging around since freshman year. More power to you, but can you do it without a shitty social media post? Come on.

2) The academic (AKA nerd) brag – much less common coming from anyone who is actually having fun in college, but these boners do exist. Where does the sense of entitlement come from to think that people actually care that you nailed your online 100-level course? Really? Give us a fucking break, people. I’m sure your future employers will be deeply impressed with the fact that you got a 3.8 with that incredible 10-credit course load. Are you in medical school? Please, take a seat then. Send your report card to mom and dad if you want someone to be impressed with your astonishing academic achievements. Come on.

3) The party brag – look for these on basically any Friday, Saturday, or Sunday afternoon from those amateur drinkers who can’t hack a hangover and wake up at 1:00PM and tweet about how many beers (AKA Redd’s Apple Ales) they drank the prior evening. Cool, bro. Let’s be honest, you probably drank like four, “went out for a smoke” (AKA booted in an alley) and then “rallied” like a true champ to choke back a few BL smoothies before you got “so blacked out” that you don’t remember anything but eating pizza and making funny comments to the cab driver. Wow. You’re a real fucking inspiration. Come on.

Here are some final thoughts. If you feel the need to brag about anything in life, ask yourself: “Am I Johnny Manziel?” Let’s be real, that will pretty much give you an indication of whether or not your dumpy little tweet is worth posting. Odds are, it isn’t, but if you still feel the need to tell everyone about your ordinariness, just know that it will be the last post I ever read from your account, because you just booked a one-way, non-refundable ticket to unfollow-land. Do you feel cleansed? I sure do.

Don't Call it a Comeback?

I see two new posts in a week? Dare I say that we may be back? Dare I say it?!?!?!?!