UDWOTD

Apologies for my absence from the blog, mates. Been a long few days for Uncle Hansel because I finalized the move into my new place. Still waiting to hear if MTV is interested in reincarnating Cribs just for my new pad. Anyways, this UDWOTD is a throwback to years past - one of the first words to ever grace the pages of Duke and Hansel. This one in particular is Duke's favorite. #proudhair

Tony Danza - When giving it to a chick (or dude I suppose?), from behind, you yell out "Who's the boss?" She'll be confused, turn her head around, and at this moment, you donkey punch the shit out of her and yell "TONY DANZA!!"

"I gave the girl I brought home from the bar a Tony Danza, and I haven't heard from her since."

Tuesday Bluesday

Hey E'ryone,

S'crackin'? Been a slow weekend/week on the blog. I think that's due to the fact that, in speaking to all of you individually, we are a pretty busy bunch. That's aight, fear not, for the Duke has what you need to snap out of this blogless funk.

Welp, the weekend was a success. If by success you mean that I did absolutely nothing, and you really mean failure, then yes, the weekend was a rousing success. I think the extent of my productivity was tuning my guitars. All 2 of them. Tuned. Perfectly. EADGBE. Right in a row. 12 strings tuned perfectly. Taking up all of 4 minutes, most of which was spent rubbing my forehead from bouncing said guitar off of my dome piece. Whatever. I needed it to bleed. That's so Rock n' Roll. Properly spelling and punctuating Rock n' Roll is so totally not Rock n' Roll. My head's spinning. So yea, 4 minutes spent tuning guitars and the other 2876 minutes spent sleeping, drinking and distaturbating. So yea, rousing success.

I know it's Tuesday, so here it is, your Tuesday Bluesday jam of the week. Don't forget; proud hair. The Duke, over and out.

-DSA

A True Work Story

Gentlemen, I feel as if I need to share this story with y'all about a lady I work with. I know, I know it's a story about work so how can this possibly not be terrible? I agree with the initial disdain because let's face it, the only exciting thing about work is the paychecks it provides me to be able to provide myself with booze and the occasional dinner date to schmooze a lady friend here and there.

I digress. Before I begin I need to paint a couple pictures. First, this lady I speak of, who we shall refer to as CP because those are her initials which I just realized as I typed that that those are the same initials as mine for this blog (disclaimer: I did not pick my name to reflect her initials but she probably seeped into my subconscious somehow). This is the lady at work, 40ish with two kids an ex-husband that she absolutely loathes, and will deal with personal matters consistently and loudly on her work phone not giving two shits who is within earshot and very animated. She also cleans houses and apartments on the side for extra cash and this becomes important later. I, however, have no problem with her because she works hard, a little neurotic at times, but most of all it keeps me entertained. I overheard her tell a story one morning that during her morning commute to work an angry road rager behind her got out of his car and was pounding on her window for something she may or may not have done. The weirdest shit happens to this lady and I love it.

Picture number 2. At my job, before we kick off any meeting we always have to start with a safety moment. For example, put sunscreen on before lengthened exposure in the sun. Boom! Safety moment. Yesterday morning was my weekly team meeting and as soon as I cross under the doorway she announces that she has a safety moment. Yes. I grab a chair, grab my proverbial bowl of popcorn and sit back and wait. The night prior she was cleaning a vacant apartment and had her little daughter with her because apparently she has her own tiny little cleaning supplies and cleans the little tiny crevices because she likes to help mommy out. At one point CP's vacuum catches on fire. As soon as that leaves her mouth I'm already hearing the crescendo building for what is about to come. Shortly after this is ablaze the smoke detectors start going off and now she's worried that sprinkler system might kick on and she's trying to figure out what to do with the sweeper. Amidst all this chaos and confusion (hilarity for me) her little daughter (who is not on fire) begins to stop, drop and roll because that is what they taught her in school. During her frantic fight or flight instincts playing tug of war to decide which action she should take, she decides to usurp the instinctual decision makers and throws the flaming sweeper into the abyss which I can only imagine looks like a comet with a majestic tail cascading into the night.

This had myself and the rest of our team in hysterics and I feel as if I could have weekly blog posts just about CP. Now that I think about it, I hired her to clean my house before I put it on the market. I don't even have a balcony. What if that vacuum catches on fire in the most heavily carpeted area of my house, the basement?

I need a beer.
-Chuck

Your Weekly Horoscope with Hansel

Greetings earthlings. Still reeling from the spot-on-ness of last week's horoscope? Well read on, because apparently this stuff changes on the reg according to your zodiac cycle (whatever the hell that means). If you start taking this stuff to heart, and let's be honest I'm not sure why you wouldn't, your life will change. It won't necessarily change for the better at all, but it will change. Here goes.

Aries: You're feeling lonely, most likely because you scare the shit out of people with your intensity. Try chilling the fuck out and using the "4 second rule" between statements like they do in Night at the Roxbury (e.g., "What's up!?" 2, 3, 4...). Lucky numbers: 2, 3, 4

Taurus: It's getting hot in hurr, so take off all your clothes. No seriously, there is a heat wave spreading across the country, so try shedding a layer or 3. Also, start using deoderant, because you smell foul. Lucky numbers: 25, 6

Gemini: Become one with nature. Try taking a walk through a park or taking a swim in a lake or stream. Just kidding, sit in the air conditioning and work on your fupa. Lucky numbers: pi, 98*

Cancer: You're feeling romantic lately, so try spicing things up with your partner in the bedroom. Order one of those wedge things for sex positions, then please post a review in the comments section so I...I mean we...know how it works. Lucky numbers: 29.99, 39.99

Leo: Take the bull by the horns and relish in new opportunities. If rodeo clowning isn't for you, try pilates. Lucky numbers: 8, 1492, 9.67

Virgo: Your lack of sleep lately should be a concern, but there are more pressing matters ahead. Your zodiac cycle color is red, so stock up on Bud heavies, twizzlers, and as much pepperoni that you can fit into those little basket things at the grocery store. Lucky numbers: any number written in red.

Libra: Time has been an issue for you lately, so try replacing your watch battery, or carry an alarm clock on your shoulder like it's a boombox from the nineties. Set trends, be a leader. Lucky numbers: #, 4, 8===D

Scorpio: Just do you, whatever that means. I wouldn't recommend actually try to "do" yourself though, because that could get messy and never works. Talk to a Cancer, they're into romance, so maybe you can do each other. Lucky numbers: 69

Sagittarius: You can get a good look at a t-bone steak by sticking your head up a bull's ass, but wouldn't you rather take the butcher's word for it? Lucky numbers: n/a

Capricorn: Get in touch with some old high school or college friends and reminisce on memories of the past. Don't live in the past though, because that's just stupid. Lucky numbers: high school graduation year, college graduation year, year you lost our virginity

Aquarius: relive an episode of Naked and Afraid in your apartment/house. In order to do this, it will require that you find a like-minded stranger who is ok to be naked and afraid in your apartment for 21 days. Good luck. Number numbers: 2, 21

Pisces: It's not herpes, after all. However, it is The Clap, so join a support group and enjoy the burn.

:)

My New Hero

Take 2 minutes out of your day and watch this if you haven't already. This kid is my hero. The money shot is at about 1:17 but watch the whole thing.

   

You're all welcome. -DSA

This guy...drugs? Noooooo

So Von Miller tested positive for Marijuana and Molly. This has caused him to creep up the list as one of my favorite players in the NFL. This guy isn't out here to cheat with PEDs. He doesn't want to digest the insides of deer antlers. He just wants to pop a few molly, have an impressionable white girl blow him and slip away into the abyss.

No, I am not a drug advocate, I am just a consumer of them. 

I never dabbled in anything hard drugs.. By the time I took it, we had already broken it down into powder form.

BUT I have danced with Molly twice in my life. And like everything else related to women… It was fun, it was bad for me, and I ended up with less money and self-respect than I did before we started.

There should be suspensions for steroids and murder. And even with that said, I may draft Aaron Hernandez on my fantasy team and play the waiting game. 

Quit being a cock block Rodger. Geez, what's next? Suspensions for back-to-back rape allegations? Loosen up.

FREE VON

A Little Self-Reflection

Last week before going to see the Duke, I was in Houston for work purposes. Well, the second night there I decide to get good and drunk, stay up drinking till around 5 in the morning, hit on my co-worker (who sits two cubes away from me) who is married with a kid, and show up late and still drunk to the next day's festivities. Professionalism.

On a more positive note, I did throw up a significant amount of weight on the incline bench yesterday.